Transcript – Episode 2

(Transcription by Micha Cavaseno, contact for transcription work here)

[Music Fades In:  Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass]

Lilith: Hello everyone, Lucifer again. You can call me Luci. Sharp-eared listeners listeners may have noticed that Episode One is about an hour shorter than it was originally. This is the second half of that episode, now being referred to as Episode Two. The numbering of the rest of Ghostpuncher Corps will be shifted in order to accommodate this new episode, and we hope you understand.

Last time we met our three adventurers: the bookish Petua Jones, the cybergoth bard Electra, the ‘oaf’ Kevin along with their mysterious new guide Mikey. In their investigations they left their new friend in the car (which I think was extremely unfair to him), almost bought some bulk order truck nuts, got caught snooping around in Jackie’s Customs, somehow got hired to exterminate some rats and they just didn’t fucking exterminate any of the rats. At all.

Let’s see how things go this time!

[Musical interlude]

Lyrics: We walk upon the soaked carcasses of those who once gave us life.

Amanda: That is not… what a box… does to someone.

Robyn: Well I mean… We don’t know exactly how many truck nuts there were.

Amanda: It’s not-… o-okay, even then. When was the last time you were hit by a blunt object and bled to death?

Robyn: I-i… n-never.

Amanda: Yeah, exactly! I think we should look at I dunno, a coroner’s report or something? There must have been something suspicious about the way that this went down.

Syd: Well you know where we’ll get that…

Amanda: Fuck! Cops! No! Ugh, alright…

Robyn: Well we don’t have to talk to ‘em, we can sneak in.

Amanda: That’s true.

Lilith: Another rat just like, like… crawls across Kevin’s feet. Or Kevin’s shoes.

Robyn: I’m not gonna stop it, cause if we have to come back, I want there to be a reason. I don’t wanna get rid of our lie.

Amanda: Don’t you think that we should kill just like, one rat, so we can show them?

Robyn: Uh, I don’t wanna do it.

Syd: What’s the shelf situation? What do the shelves look like above us?

Lilith: Uh – The shelves? Well actually…

Syd: Where it would’ve fallen from.

Lilith: They’ve all been cleared out. But there is definitely a little sticker there, and it just says ‘nuts, truck’.

Amanda: The name is Nuts. Truck Nuts. Alright, I think we might have exhausted our-

Syd: Sorry.

Amanda: Oh it’s ok… I say in character. To the mic noise that your character just made, I mean you do have a synth so it’s not too far away… I think we should go back to our van friend and let him take us to a second location. I think we’ve exhausted our investigation here until we can find something more about how this went down. What do you think?

Syd: There’s something definitely here though.

Amanda: No I agree, I’m just not sure — Does anybody have any idea of what we could do?

Robyn: I don’t know what we could do —

Syd: Perhaps just the spirit… ?

Robyn: That’s what I was thinking! I’m thinking it might be a poltergeist.

Syd: But I mean of the person that died, maybe.

Robyn: Oh! I don’t know about that stuff.

Amanda: I mean… Let me think. I start pacing a little bit.

Lilith: You hear a voice on the wind, it kinda sounds like Luci, kind of: “Maybe you’ll want to go back here at night or something like that….”

[Dice Roll Noises]

Amanda: Maybe we might wanna come back here at night… or something like that.

Syd: I check the time on my Pebble 2.

Lilith: Oh my god, uhm…

Amanda: Jesus, alright…

Syd: It’s 3 O’Clock right?

Lilith: Yeah it’s around 3.

Amanda: Alright, I think we should go back to our driver and see… Maybe tell them what we saw! Maybe he’ll know something. He seems to know more than either of us know about any kind of weird shit in general.

Robyn: Wait, did you say our driver seems to know more than us?

Amanda: About weird shit? Absolutely.

Robyn: Okay, well, he just seems like some weird shit.

Amanda: … Yeah, you got me there.

Robyn: But yeah, let’s check it out.

Amanda: Alright, let’s go there and at least go to the police station and see what we can do.

Cassidy: Ok so, are y’all leaving the place?

Robyn: Yeah.

Cassidy: Ok so, you find Mikey, sitting on top of the winnebago.

Syd: I give my best fake Texas accent and say “Howdy!”

Cassidy: Like to Mikey?

Syd: Yes.

Cassidy: He just sort of turns and stares at you wordlessly. You notice that he has a tendency to keep his eyes all the way open.

Syd: I nod and I guess I start to start boarding.

Cassidy: Did you find what you’re looking for?

Amanda: We found some rats…

Cassidy: Some ‘what’?

Amanda: Some rats!

Robyn: Rats.

Cassidy: Oh. Did you keep any?

Amanda: No I- Is that your thing?

Cassidy: Oh no I was just a little bit hungry, I was wondering…

Robyn: I could go get one.

Cassidy: No no it’s ok, I can catch my own.

Amanda: Yeah, yeah we’ll keep that in mind. So uh, Mikey–

Cassidy: So what is it y’all were doing here anyway? Like who are you guys?

Amanda: We got, uhm…

Robyn: We know as much as you do.

Cassidy: Oh I don’t know anything, I just got a feeling that I was supposed to show up here at this time. Then I met you guys and you told me to come here.

Amanda: Oh… right. Alright! Mikey! Mikey, ok, we are in communication with something we can’t explain. We can’t see it, but we can feel it.

Cassidy: Ooookay.

Amanda: Did you feel anything? Did you feel anything when you were out here?

Cassidy: Like… I felt a bunch of stuff. Like the wind, and the sunshine. And I heard some birds… and some squirrels.

Syd: What about… [whispered] ghosts?

Cassidy: What? Ghosts? No I didn’t hear any ghosts.

Robyn: Yeah we’re looking for like, ghosts.

Amanda: Essentially.

Robyn: More or Less.

Syd: Maaaaybe.

Cassidy: Oh yeah, I don’t know much about that. I only ever met one ghost. It was weird.

Amanda: Oh!

Robyn: Well oh, hey wait, that’s more… That’s a lot of ghosts, relatively.

Cassidy: Oh I mean like, it was a brief thing. Like it was just the one time.

Robyn: Was it, around here?

Cassidy: Oh nonono. This was like, I dunno, ways ways… that way. He just kind of points vaguely in a direction.

Amanda: Gotcha.

Syd: [unclear inquiry about outside]

Cassidy: Yeah I think we’re just still sitting outside around the winnebago.

Amanda: Yeah, or possibly looking up at him as he sits on the winnebago.

Cassidy: I mean, he’s made no move. You haven’t told him to move or do anything.

Amanda: Right, ok. Mikey, I think we need to go somewhere else now, could you take us there?

Cassidy: Yeah ok, if you tell me where to go.

Amanda: Yeah, cool.

Cassidy: He climbs down from the roof of the roof of the cabin back into the truck. Just kind of like a fluid motion, swinging through the window type thing.

Amanda: Nice.

Syd: So… I’m no fan of cops either but, perhaps if we can convince someone we’re next of kin we can get some information.

Amanda: That sounds like a really good idea.

Robyn: I take my phone out, and use my GPS, and just tell Mikey where to turn and we get there.

Amanda: Good, good.

Lilith: Hell Yeah, Hell Yeah

Cassidy: You notice that as he’s driving he’s constantly glancing over at your phone, kind of confused and non-comprehending. But you get there.

Robyn: Well this is the 7, the iPhone 7, if you had a 6 you might not recognize it.

Cassidy: Hmm, 7. I see. So what was it you were doing anyway?

Amanda: We’re gonna try to to go down to the police station and maybe try and get a report on how the death went down? Because there was way more blood-

Cassidy: What’s a ‘Police Station’?

Amanda: … Oh I thought you were asking out of character, I’m sorry.

Cassidy: Nono, in character.

Amanda: Uhm, we are going to a place, um, where they’re reporting on the death of someone that we are trying to figure out how they died.

Cassidy: Oh. Ok. Did you see their body? That’s the easiest way to see how something’s died. Usually I just look at the body.

Amanda: I know and they took the body away, but there was a lot of blood.

Cassidy: Mmm.

Syd: Well, remnants of blood.

Cassidy: Did he get eaten by a bear? That usually causes a lot of blood.

Amanda: [Nervous chuckle]

Robyn: I mean we can’t rule that out.

Amanda: True!

Cassidy: Remember that ghost I was talking about? He got eaten by a bear. There was a lot of blood.

Amanda: Oh.

Robyn: Did the ghost come out of his body right after? Was it like, in cartoons?

Cassidy: Oh I don’t know, I got there like… days afterwards.

Robyn: Ahhh.

Amanda: Hm.

Robyn: Glad you know what a cartoon is though.

Cassidy: Oh yeah I remember cartoons. I like cartoons. Or, I think I like cartoons. I haven’t seen ‘em in a while.

Amanda: Interesting. But-

Lilith: Okay so

Cassidy: I remember Ninja Turtles. Are there still Ninja Turtles?

Amanda: Alright, this is-

Robyn: Uh, yeah there are.

Lilith: You pull up to the Poulton Independence Garrison Police Department. And you see on the side of all of the patrol cars “P.I.G.P.D”

All: [Laughter]

Lilith: Yeah yeah, thought that’d be good. And yeah, it’s a small little building, double-doors in front. Ample parking. Like that guy said, those environmentalists took over city council and there’s fuckin, there’s like electric car plug-ins…

Amanda: Alright, let’s- Go ahead.

Syd: Oh I break them. Like vandalize them.

Amanda: [Snickers] Alright!

Cassidy: Vandalize how?

Amanda: Do you tie them together?

Syd: Uh… Disable them. If I can. Like just… I don’t know, I don’t know how I’d do that.

Lilith: Uhm, I’m just gonna say you start jamming paper clips into like, electrical like, like…

Syd: Yeah…

Lilith: Yeah, you’re just looking to short something. Uhm, and it seems to be going really well. There’s a really loud pop and hiss and- Actually just, roll me a real quick intelligence check?

Syd: [Rolls]… That’s a five.

Lilith: Oooh! Okay… Well, uhm… Now I want you to roll me a dexterity saving throw.

Amanda: Uh-Oh!

Syd: [Rolls]… Okay… Well, that is, a uh… That is a critical failure.

Amanda: Oh no!

Lilith: Ah jeez.

Cassidy: I don’t think there are critical failures in this game.

Lilith: Yes there are! Yes there are.

Cassidy: Oh.

Amanda: There are… Oh god.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah…

Amanda: You flew too close to the sun.

Lilith: You just–

Syd: I just get–

Lilith: You hear like a Pop! Uhhh, there’s sparks and uhm, you, you just took six electricity damage.

Syd: Ooof. Ooofa-Doofa.

Lilith: Yeah… Yeah you really bonered it on this one, sorry. Uhhh…. Oooh boy.

Amanda: Oh my god.

Lilith: Yeah. Yeah… But it definitely seems to be broken!

Cassidy: Uh, Mikey notices you get electrocuted and runs over to you, Hey are you ok? That looked painful.

Syd: How much was that six… ?

Lilith: Six.

Syd: Y-yeah ah…mmm….

Cassidy: D-don’t get up, don’t get up. I’ll handle it, uhm… Mikey looks at you a second and, just staring at you sort of intently, you know, in a weird way? And for half a second his eyes flash coal black and you gain one D8 hit points, cause I just casted ‘Cure Wounds’.

???: Fuck yeah.

Syd: Ah… Thank you!

Cassidy: Let me actually do the damage roll because I forgot to bring dice. [A Beat] You gained 6 health points back.

Amanda: Oh Nice!

Robyn: Wow. Well that was a fun adventure.

Syd: Thanks, uhm–

Cassidy: Yep, welcome.

Syd: I guess that was… a little unwise of me I guess but you know? Sometimes you…

Cassidy: Oh that’s fine, I remember the first time I got electrocuted it was… yeah. [Indecipherable]

Syd: I mean it felt great, don’t get me wrong… But, ah, thanks!

Amanda: M-… H-How did you do that?

Cassidy: Do what?

Amanda: Well you, you healed her!

Cassidy: Oh yeah, I just like… Y’know? I just, like, fixed… her. With my brain! Y’know, like you do!… Can y’all not do that?

Robyn: That might be a Mickey thing… Mikey thing.

Amanda: That might be a ‘You’ thing.

Cassidy: Oh. Ok cool, I guess that, yeah, that makes sense. I forget sometimes what people can and can’t do.

Syd: Yeah I didn’t even question it because A) still pretty delirious and B) it’s not a far stretch from anything else that I’ve experienced for the past…

Cassidy: While you’re discussing this you notice Mikey messing around with the electrical port that you jammed a paper clip into and electrocuted yourself with.

Lilith: O-Kay, Cassidy, I need you to roll an intelligence check for me.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Cassidy: Nonono, I’m just casting ‘Mending’ on it.

Lilith: OH! Ok. Ok good.

Cassidy: The cantrip. There, now no-one else can get electrocuted. Being electrocuted is awful, I don’t want anyone else to get electrocuted.

Robyn: Well, the people who are here could maybe… use a little bit of electrocuting.

Cassidy: … Oh, ok!

Syd: Let’s stick to the…

Amanda: Yeah yeah, let’s stick to our thing!

Robyn: Ok, fine, fine, we’re already…

Amanda: Alright, before-

Robyn: I’m glad you’re here to- I just, I, it would be cool if we could fuck this shit up. But I understand.

Amanda: Maybe, maybe AFTER we get what we want? How’s that?

Robyn: Ok.

Amanda: But before we do that though, gameplan?

Cassidy: Does anyone hear anything? Mikey’s just kinda looking around.

Amanda: We’re trying to find… Well we’re going to go in there, and try and pretend that we’re uh… We’re gonna try to lie our way in, to getting what we want, basically. It’s about the person who was killed. Uhm, I dunno, do you have any experience with that?

Cassidy: Hmmm. Ok. So you think their body is in there.

Amanda: Well we think pictures of their body might be in there, I don’t know is the morgue in there? I don’t know anything about this actually.

Robyn: I don’t know how police work.

Amanda: It depends on how long ago it happened. No it’s- they probably don’t still have it there, I think. Probably he’s… buried??? I think?

Robyn: We can find out.

Amanda: We can find out! Um, Alright, but, what are we I mean–

Cassidy: Sooo you need to find out then where those pictures are.

Amanda: Yeah… and just anything that’s weird basically so if you get a feeling, let us know.

Cassidy: Ok… Oh do you want me to come in with you, or do you want me to stay out here again?

Amanda: I mean, the way that this day has been going, I think you should come with us.

Cassidy: Oh, ok I can do that.

Amanda: Ok. Oh, are you guys cool with that?

Robyn: Yeah.

Syd: Whatever.

Amanda: Alright, look. We have to have our story straight otherwise we could really fuck this up. Uhm… We could be… journalists? Or…

Robyn: I don’t like that.

Amanda: No…

Robyn: I don’t think they’re gonna be receptive to journalists.

Amanda: Yeah… nobody is. I uh

Cassidy: What’s a journalist?

Robyn: [mumbles]… What is a journalist?

Syd: Depends on who you ask.

Amanda: It depends on who you ask! They ah, they report the news, basically.

Cassidy: They what?

Amanda: They tell people what’s been going on in the world and then they write about it. And people buy it, or listen to it or download it or whatever.

Cassidy: Like write like… You just used a whole bunch of words I don’t know but ok.

Amanda: That’s ok! They tell people what’s up!

Cassidy: I feel like this is one of those questions that’s gonna require a lot more questions.

Amanda: Hm. Well, we can chat about it. I’ll just throw you a newspaper and maybe you can break it down from there. At some point!

Cassidy: Oh oh yeah, Ok, I remember, I know newspapers.

Amanda: Yes.

Robyn: They write the newspapers.

Amanda: They make those.

Robyn: Yeah. Newspap-

Cassidy: What do you mean… they make the newspaper?

Robyn: …er. So there’s this thing called uh, it’s called a ‘printing press’.

Cassidy: Okay.

Robyn: It was invented–

Amanda: Alright we are regressing way back, way back! We cannot get pre-Gutenberg here.

Syd: Steve Guttenberg.

Amanda: No we can’t we can’t. It’s not Steve Guttenberg it super isn’t. Trust me. Trust me. It is not Steve Guttenberg.

Syd: Whatever. Speaking of newspapers, this is character, by the way, in character voice; I’m trying to scrape any like local news outlets that may have reported on this incident to try and find a name.

Lilith: You, okay so there’s-… A name was never reported to the press, but–

Syd: Ok.

Lilith: You actually, you do find… There’s a lot of theories out there. Some people have it right! There’s a couple sites that uhm, that are in a very clickbait-y fashion… “MAN CRUSHED UNDER DILDOS IN POULTON TEXAS”… and a few of the more tasteful outlets who just kind of leave that part of the information out.

Amanda: Yeah, alright, look… There’s not a name. I think estranged family members, if we can really bullshit our way in… uhm, I think that we could do it. What do you think? I think that’s the best bet, right? Next of kin?

Robyn: Yeah that does seem to be the best bet.

Syd: This is strange…–

Amanda: Oh! Oh! Wait! I’ve got it! I’ve got it. What if we’re the coroners, and the family is there and they want to see… what their child looked like when he died? No that’s actually really fucked up, nevermind. I take that back, nobody wants to do that. [laughs] Nobody wants that, nevermind! Uh… fuck, alright, I think estranged family is what we’ve got to go with, right? Alright.

Robyn: That sounds good, yeah.

Amanda: Alright. Let’s go then.

Lilith: Ok, you walk in and there uh… You do see there is a gentleman standing behind a counter in uniform. Around him a few desks, he’s got some files on his desk. There’s y’know, all of the assorted chatter that happens in police station scenes in Law & Order. You get it.

Cassidy: Is there one of those little gate things that’s only waist-high?

Lilith: Yes. Absolutely.

Cassidy: Ok.

Amanda: … Are there donuts?

Lilith: You… Actually, I’m going to need you to roll a perception check.

Amanda: Roll for donuts? [Rolls]

Lilith: Yes

Amanda: Ah fuck! I critical failed.

Lilith: You critical failed!?

Amanda: [Laughing] Yeah!

Lilith: Yeah, you, you, uhm… Whatever you had for lunch? You are overwhelmingly smelling that and you can’t seem to discern anything else. Uh, yeah.

Syd: You see some rice balls and you call them donuts.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: OK. That was good, that was… fuck.

Amanda: Oh shit…. Unless anybody else wants to do this, I’m gonna walk up to the guy at the front desk.

Lilith: Uh, h-hello, hello.

Cassidy: Mikey just sort of walks up with you, ‘cause that’s-

Amanda: Yeah.

Robyn: And I follow so I can hear.

Cassidy: He’s full on rubbernecking while looking around though.

Lilith: Uh, first and last name and what happened to you?

Amanda: [Haughtily] What happened to me?!? Let me tell you what happened to me. Jones, Petua Jones. Listen… He fucking won’t let me see what happened. I know something happened to someone in the family, I found out about it on Facebook I just need to find out what the fuck happened. They said that he died, it could’ve been Jamie, it could have been somebody else. [emphasizing with pounding on surface with each beat] One of my cousins, is dead, and my ex-husband will not tell me [voice constricting further as pounding grows in volume and emphasis] and I need to know, Now.

Lilith: Ok, I need you to roll a uh, I need you to roll a deception check.

Amanda: [Laughing] Alright. Uh… Oh shit! Alright, well uhm… 15, it’s a 20.

Lilith: It’s a 20? Okay, OK.

Amanda: It’s a 20.

Lilith: Well uh let me uh… I got a, I got a form! Uh, that I’m supposed to be… Oh boy… So he just kneels down and he’s like, looking through some stacks of paper, trying to figure out Something.

[Cat Mewls in the background]

Amanda: Cat, you go away!

Cassidy: What’s like, laid out on this desk, like forms and like stationary?

Lilith: Yeah, there’s a, well there’s a couple forms, couple stationary, and there’s a stack of files.

Cassidy: I pick up the top file, absent-mindedly. And just start like, leafing through it.

Amanda: I uh, just kind of continue crying.

Lilith: Oh, You’re looking through the file about like a stolen bicycle like… a photo of it. There’s a really nice photo of a stolen bicycle and there’s like, lines between like the bicycle and a picture of a Really disgruntled looking gentleman and like question marks all around it. Yeah, yeah.

Cassidy: I pick up the question mark photo. Is this the guy you’re looking for? Is this the guy who died?… I mean this guy looks alive. Yeah this can’t be it.

Amanda: Uh… he’s… definitely alive. [transitioning into sobs] But you know what, it just reminds me all the more [begins pounding again] of the fact that there is someone dead, and I don’t know who it is! I mean, I really hurry up down there. I mean I, I can sue this department for emotional damages if you withhold this information.

Robyn: [cackles]

Lilith: Okay-… He-… Uhh, uhh, ok, look, look, look. Here, let me just… Let me just uh, when? When did he die? When did the person die?

Amanda: W-within this week. I-it was only a few days ago and I just, it’s been covered up and I just need t-to know.

Lilith: Okay, Okay, uh let me just… uhm, I’m gonna look under ‘M’ for m-m-murder? Or Death? Or D- for death?

Amanda: No! Death. It was an accident they say [Sniffle] God knows. They say it was an accidental death, I don’t know. It was at that… It was in this town somewhere, h-he was hit, that’s all I know.

Lilith: D- You know where- You don’t know where it happened, like, in the town?

Amanda: Well obviously if I knew where it happened I would know WHO he was, because I’m related to him! So obviously that’s not on the table.

Robyn: Uh, I-I heard that a box fell on him.

Lilith: Wh-… Okay! Okay. Uh, Box, I’ll look under ‘B’ for Boxes. Uh, Anybody else…? Any, uh, actually, let me just look under B for Boxes. Uh, and he-

Amanda: [slamming her hand down] Just look for ‘B’ under the banality of evil and hurry up! I want my information!

[Assorted laughter in response]

Lilith: He kneels down and he’s looking under ‘B’ for Boxes and he’s like: Ohhh, ooooh, uhhh… Oh I think, I think I know the one you’re… Ohhh, uhhh… Is he, was that, Jeremy? Jeremy the uh, uh, the kid from down at Jackie’s?

Amanda: [Sobbing] Jeremy, Jeremy, and his last name because of course since he was recently was also divorced so tell me his last na-…

Lilith: Jones! Jones.

Amanda: Jeremy Jones! What a wonderful coincidence, of course I’m related to him! It’s just so sad!

Syd: I’m already wikipedia-ing… or not wikipedia-ing, googling Jeremy Jones.

Amanda: Jeremy Jones

Lilith: You’re getting the same like, results… You actually, there’s a couple of sites that managed to get … its like Drudge Report and that kind of shit, right? Like really… Yeah somebody really did some digging and found the name and…

Syd: Ok… yeah.

Robyn: Those globalist truck nuts…

Lilith: Yeah yeah. There’s some shit about ‘globalist truck nuts’. Its fucking… Yeah its wild! But uh, yeah, he’s got the file in his hand, he’s just: Uhhhh yeah I got it right here, Jeremy Jones. Uhm… yeah.

Amanda: Right… and of course you’re going to need to hand that to me because I really need to double check of course. It is in protocol, it’s your protocol, I have to identify the body! So please, hand it over!

Lilith: Oh we, we DEFINITELY already had the body identified by like people who like, knew him obviously a lot better than you.

Amanda: Do you want to get into trouble!?

Lilith: Uhhh…I-

Amanda: Do you want to get into trouble?!?

Lilith: I don’t think I get in trouble, I think you do. Uh, but let me just… here. I gotta, I gotta do something real quick. Uhm, and he puts the file down on his desk, and turns around, and he uh… he walks away.

Amanda: … Well we’re gonna steal it naturally, right?

Cassidy: I’ve already picked it up. Mikey has already picked up the file. Is this the one? He said this is it, right? I start flipping through it. I find uh… where are the photos.

Lilith: Uh, well… here’s the thing… The pages are stuck together with jelly donut filling. I’m sorry.

Amanda: FUCK!

Robyn: God dangit.

Lilith: You try to peel ’em apart, and actually just roll me a Dexterity check?

Cassidy: [chuckling] Ok… oh wait which one of us.

Lilith: Mikey.

Cassidy: 18.

Lilith: 18? Yeah, so you can kinda see a couple pictures and it certainly looks like someone who was crushed, possibly with truck nuts but… Yeah it’s all torn up because there’s moisture and things just got stuck together. It’s just all bad.

Amanda: [deep sigh]… Well, alright… Is there any other- or does the file, I should probably ask Mikey, does the file have a front page or let me see that.

Cassidy: Yeah, ok! I hand it over.

Amanda: Does the file have like, have any additional information about Jeremy Jones?

Lilith: It doesn’t have a whole lot of information about Jeremy Jones. You see a short listing of: he was 26 years old, worked at Jackie’s Customs, childless, lived by himself.

Amanda: Uh, next of kin?

Lilith: Uhm… There’s kind of big red question marks, there.

Amanda: There’s, wow, alright. I put down the file, or I guess [indecipherable]

Cassidy: Big red question marks as in ‘the police didn’t know’ or big red question marks as in ‘that part is underneath jam and we can’t read it’?

[Laughter]

Lilith: Well, yeah it’s actually just a little bit of both. There’s like, jam stains…. You can tell that somebody wrote something next to the red question marks after crossing out the red question marks but yeah, you can’t tell what they wrote.

Amanda: Love it… Well, I guess… Mikey, you can hold onto that or put it down or whatever. Hey… There’s nothing we’re gonna get from this.

Cassidy: Mikey is smelling the file.

Lilith: It smells…

Cassidy: Mikey is now licking the jam.

Lilith: Yeah it tastes… It tastes pretty good! It’s raspberry.

Cassidy: Hm! Raspberry. [Audible lip smackings]

Amanda: Hm. Uh, Kevin, Electra… Any ideas?

Robyn: Do uh… Do we wanna sneak around? It seems like a risky… Even I can tell that would not be smart.

Amanda: Yeah… These guys seem like total dumbasses. I think that we probably don’t have anything else to do here unless… I mean, we know his name I guess, and…

Robyn: We’ve still got that house to go to.

Amanda: Yeah I say we go there.

Cassidy: Mmm, this is good you want some?

Lilith: [Laughter]

Robyn: I-I yyy-I do. I take one of the pages that hasn’t been touched by Mikey and I start licking it.

Amanda: I’m on a low-fibre diet, it just goes right through me…. Y’know when you get to my age….

Cassidy: Mmm. He nods sagely.

Amanda: Alright, I guess, you and your snack and everybody else. We should probably head out. Because I feel like, maybe if he comes back, it won’t go great…

Lilith: Alright. Y’all head out and…

Amanda: Pffft. Just taking a confidential police document…. Fuckin’ love it.

Lilith: Oh absolutely. Nobody sees a goddamned thing, I’m not even gonna have you roll any checks for that, yeah, yeah. No, no…

Robyn: Oh good.

Lilith: You leave the Poulton Independence Garrison Police Department behind and it sounds like y’all wanted to go to Samantha Timmons house!

Robyn: Yeah right? Hey Mikey, let’s head on over to that house in our car.

Cassidy: Do I have to drive somewhere?

Amanda: Yeah.

Cassidy: OK.

Amanda: GPS that shit again Kevin?

Robyn: You know it.

Lilith: You make it to this gaudy as all fuck McMansion. And…

Cassidy: Like a white people gaudy or… ?

Amanda: [indecipherable] hates that shit.

Lilith: Oh very white people gaudy. Yeah, yeah. And you see a sensible sedan parked out in front of it. There’s a three-car garage and front doorway.

Cassidy: So what is this place?

Amanda: This is a house where somebody died. His wife lives here now, and we think it’s connected to the other guy in the delicious snack you enjoyed earlier, his death. Yes.

Cassidy: Oh… Oh! So these two guys got killed and you think it might be the same thing.

Amanda: Or they might be related to one another, we’re not really sure.

Cassidy: Oh ok, like, yeah ok.

Amanda: So again, if you feel anything, let us know.

Cassidy: Well like, do you want me to look for something?

Amanda: I’m not really sure what we’re looking for, that’s the problem. It would probably be a lot easier if we did, but until we do, everybody just keep their eyes open I guess… Uh, story… Any ideas Electra, Kevin, about how we do this?

Syd: No.

Cassidy: I mean, if you want I could, like… LOOK for something.

Robyn: That sounds, that sounds great.

Cassidy: Oh ok, I can do that. Just let me know when you want me to start.

Syd: I mean I can definitely be on the lookout for any… strange vibes or uh, things like that. Um… I’m not… I don’t really know how to talk to people. I mean, not in this situation.

Amanda: Well… Gotcha. I mean, look, we read plenty of articles about Jeremy Jones’ death. Everybody’s reporting on it; maybe we’re journalists this time. Maybe this time it’ll work.

Robyn: Yeah, let’s try that journalism angle out.

Amanda: Alright uhm… alright. Well, we’ve got two people with high charisma modifiers let’s just go for this thing. I guess we go up and knock on the door, yeah. Alright.

Robyn: Let’s do it. I, Kevin, at least approaches the door, and… ?

Amanda: Yeah, I think we walk up.

Robyn: And knocks.

Cassidy: So we’re all just walking up as a group?

Amanda: Yeah we’re all walking up and checking out that door.

Cassidy: Ok. Just let me know when you guys want me to look.

Lilith: The door opens and there is a middle-aged woman, she’s wearing all white. And she looks at the four of you and ‘Oh, h-hello, how are all you?’

Cassidy: I’m Mikey.

Lilith: Hello Mikey. Uh… That’s a mighty fine shirt you got there Mikey.

Cassidy: Thanks.

Lilith: Uh, how can I help all of y’all?

Robyn: Hey, we’re from uh… We’re from…

Amanda: This is…

Cassidy: We heard there’s a guy who lived here that died, and we think it might be connected to another guy who died.

Amanda: T-… well yes.

Lilith: Oh. Yeah you heard about Victor, ok. Well I mean, I’ve been… uh uh are you… Well, there’s four of you so, what are you… are you doing something here? I mean that is my late husband.

Cassidy: I’m supposed to be hunting evil but, I mostly these days just walk around going where I think I’m supposed to go. Sometimes I get feelings.

Amanda: Wh-what he’s saying is that we are, um, from the Spiritual Star Times trying to uncover the evils of the world and head the press in the right direction. And we just want to make sure that your late husband’s story is uh… represented to the fullest extent that it possibly could be. Y’know these local newspapers, the national news, they really just sling a lot of mud. And we want to make sure that your story is well represented.

Lilith: Oh I know all about the lamestream media, you don’t gotta tell me.

Amanda: [sighs]

Lilith: I didn’t know that journalists worked in packs of four but, that tracks.

Amanda: That’s what we call ‘accountability’.

Lilith: Oh, oh, okay that’s… that sounds fair. Y’all… Y’all come in.

[Live at KBOO for the Noontime Jamboree – Miller and Sasser]

Lilith: So you walk into this woman’s house and you can see she has very nice leather furniture, you hear soft country music over the radio. And she sits down, she’s got a glass of wine next to her. So what can I help you fine journalists with? I am a supporter of, y’know, the truth and Victor, he’d want his story told right.

Amanda: I’m-I’m so glad to hear that you are vested in this. I pull out my little moleskine notebook again I guess and I start taking notes as if y’know I guess we’re sitting down and interviewing her now.

Cassidy: Mikey is just kinda pacing the room, bare feet slapping on the floor, looking at stuff.

Amanda: [Snickers] Sounds about right.

Lilith: She is watching Mikey just like… specifically his feet just making contact with the floor.

Cassidy: They make nice little plap plap noises, he has very flat feet.

Robyn: Yeah, we’re uh… we’re from Vice Magazine so..  We’re kinda out there.

[Laughter]

Syd: Oh god.

Amanda: Oh my god…

Syd: We’re gonna get kicked out.

Robyn: Sorry if that’s-

Amanda: I JUST introduced us as a different newspaper, you realize that right?

Robyn: Oh shit I-… Well that didn’t… I didn’t say that then.

Syd: We’re a coalition of journalists.

Amanda: It’s actually just a offshoot of Vice, one of Vice’s many media empires. The Christian Spiritual Times.

Syd: Yeah, it’s spelled W-E-I-S.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: Weis? Okay… Good, good, um. My associate is, um, y’know obviously he takes these jobs very seriously. He’s a little bit… unsettled. Just tell us: how did your husband die

Lilith: [gasps] Well, we were… I was here, he was out in the garage, working on his truck. And y’know we keep things very well locked up here, I’ve got a pretty good security system and y’know I… One moment I was giving him updates on when dinner was gonna be ready and then, I walk in the next moment and he’s- he’s dead! And I uh, they said he was strangled to death and but they couldn’t find any reason to find that I was the person, god forbid, that I was the person who strangled him. And they couldn’t find any way anyone would’ve gotten in or out of the garage.

Syd: … I have a question.

Lilith: Well, ask away!

Syd: Was your husband a fan of the novelty vehicle customization item known as ‘Truck Nuts’.

Lilith: Oh…. Yeah, yeah, well… that’s why I keep the truck in the garage. Yeah he had a pair of those, on the ugh… ugh…

Syd: Did he buy it from Ricky’s?

Lilith: From Ricky’s? Uh…

Robyn: Jackie’s.

[Snickering]

Syd: Jackie’s.

Lilith: Uh, y’know what? He might’ve… I don’t know when he bought those, we-… well, this might get a little personal but we ARE Amazon Prime members and we uh-

[Laughter]

Syd: Hey, Two-Day Free Shipping.

Lilith: He might’ve gotten them on Amazon Prime or he may have stopped over at Jackie’s. I don’t know.

Robyn: Um, now you said, I wanna get this straight, you said the police couldn’t figure out how anyone would get into the garage right?

Lilith: Yeah or really any part of the house, we were, I keep-… I’ve had troubles with so-some people and so we keep things pretty, pretty locked up here.

Robyn: So the door from the garage to the house was also locked.

Lilith: That was unlocked but…

Robyn: Ahh!

Lilith: The house was secure.

Robyn: I see.

Amanda: Alright, so…You said you’ve had ‘troubles’ with- I mean, you seem like an upstanding pillar of your community… what kind of troubles with folks have you had around here?

Lilith: Well… I’m not sure if I should say. I mean, this isn’t really related to the story of my husband. Uh… I want you to roll a persuasion check.

Amanda: Feel like we’re ‘bout to hear some racist shit [rolls dice] Uh….

Cassidy: Hey, it’s equally likely it could be homopho- well it’s more likely to be racist shit this is Texas.

Amanda: It’s  15 plus… Oh nice, 20.

Lilith: I… Look, I am a mommy blogger and I refuse to back down from my beliefs. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman I believe that vaccines… they’re no good. Transgenders? Not a fan um… And I, just really like confederate monuments. Like a lot.

Syd: Wait ok, outside of character what instigated this?

Robyn: Yeah what question is she answering?

Amanda: I asked her, literally I asked her what kind of troubles she’s had and her victim complex just absolutely kicks the fuck in I guess. ‘Cause that’s what old southern ladies in McMansions do.

Cassidy: I mean, so far this is the most realistic character of this game.

Lilith: [laughs]

Robyn & Amanda: Yeah.

Lilith: I again, I refuse to back down from my beliefs. I’m a mommy blogger and I do blog about the other things that I have just mentioned. And I-… sometimes people don’t like it when a strong [sotto voce] white woman stands up for herself!

Amanda: So what you’re saying is you’re being attacked from all sides by the liberal media.

Lilith: Absolutely, absolutely! This is why I wanted to talk to y’all. This is why I wanted to get the story… I mean I really wanted to get the story of my husband …

Amanda: Yes, well… Look, I mean, just… let me, let me make sure. So the garage we just mentioned, Jackie’s; that was the garage that he usually went to?

Lilith: Ah, yeah he went there to pick up parts sometimes.

Amanda: And… I mean, was your husband like you, was he a good man.

Syd: … I look at you confused.

Amanda: I’m just really really good at lying.

Syd: Yeah, it’s still, like…

Cassidy: I mean your lies at the police station were less than stellar. If we’re being real.

Amanda: It’s true.

Lilith: Well he was… He was a strong and upstanding man, stood up for his beliefs. He specifically seemed to believe mostly in his right to display certain obscenities on vehicles or…

Amanda: Alright, well, I mean… Last question: Do you think it would be too much to ask to see the garage where your husband tragically passed away.

Lilith: I… I think that’d be alright. I think that’d be alright. Did y’all wanna take pictures, do you have a photographer?

Amanda: We uh…

Robyn: I’m a photographer.

Amanda: Yes he is.

Lilith: OK I’m gonna need you to roll a deception check on that one.

Robyn: Will do. Will do. [Rolling Dice] It’s gonna be a 16, so… 20!

Lilith: Well, y’know I… You just have your cellphone or something? I guess anybody can be a photographer these days.

Robyn: Technically anyone can be a photographer but the tech you get when you’re a journalist just really optimizes the phone cam. You couldn’t even tell that it was a phone cam.

Lilith: O-oh Ok. Alright. She brings you over to a door kind of going off of the living room. Well, here’s the garage, the truck’s in there. Y’know, the police got a real good look at it when it actually happened but I guess if you wanna take a look. Try not to y’know, mess with anything.

Robyn: Of course. Am I the only one she’s like- Am I the only one going in?

Amanda: I think we all go in.

Lilith: When you go in you see… I don’t remember where the F-200 or F-250 series is at, but this is a F-540 or some shit like that, just a big ass truck. There’s some tools on the wall, and you can definitely see just, dangling off the trailer hitch, just a glistening beautiful pale flesh-colored truck nuts.

Cassidy: Woah that truck has balls. You guys seen this, right? That truck has balls.

Robyn: It’s pretty normal here.

Syd: Yeah… I would like to investigate the truck.

Cassidy: Did you want me to look now?

Amanda: Yes, Mikey, you look too. But Electra, do your thing.

Lilith: Yeah, both of y’all roll investigation checks for me.

Cassidy: Oh I’m not casting, I’m not making any investigation checks yet.

Lilith: Ok.

Cassidy: Mikey just sort of starts rocking in place, like onto the balls and the heels of his feet and then slaps the front of his feet onto the ground. He does that a couple times with his eyes closed? Then he opens them and you notice his eyes are pitch fucking black, again. And I’m casting Detect Magic.

Lilith: Holy shit, okay, nice! How do-…

Cassidy: Casting time is one action, but it’s channeled for up to ten minutes… For the duration you sense the presence of magic up to 30 feet of you, if you sense magic in this way you can use your action to see a faint aura around any visible creature in or object in the area that is magical… Oh and you will learn its school of magic, if any.

Lilith: Ok, you… Those… Mikey sees those nuts are just glowing like red. There’s something fucking dark and evil about those truck nuts.

Cassidy: I wouldn’t touch those balls if I were you. There’s something… wrong with them. What’s the type of magic that’s around them?

Lilith: Um… OK. You actually do get a vague, necromantic whiff from these balls.

Cassidy: Right.

Amanda: Great… Undead balls. Mikey, what have you found?

Cassidy: Those balls, there’s something wrong with them. Like wrong, like shouldn’t be here… wrong.

Syd: Tell me about they shouldn’t be here.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Cassidy: Like, more wrong than a truck with balls, obviously.

Amanda: Right… Well?

Robyn: This is… This might sound crazy but, do you think the balls strangled him?

Cassidy: I dunno!…

Amanda: I think… I think that they certainly-

Cassidy: I don’t really want to touch them or get any closer than I am right now.

Amanda: I think that somebody should do the opposite though, shouldn’t we… touch, like, see if something happens? I mean, God, it’s not like we haven’t had any leads, why don’t we check ‘em out? I mean… does anyone wanna go touch the balls?

Robyn: Yeah I’ll touch ‘em.

Amanda: Alright, good. Better you than me.

Syd: My gear’s already turned on.

Robyn: Oh, you got gear? OK Yeah! I think the gear’s probably better, I was gonna poke ‘em!

Lilith: [Laughter]

Syd: I… I’d hit ‘em with my bat(??), I guess.

[Laughter]

Syd: Which is attached to my hip by a magnet.

Lilith: Ok, ok.

Syd: So I kind of just… nudge at ‘em. Yeah.

Lilith: Ok, so… Here’s what you see. You see, the nuts, they sway slightly. And then they just… it kinda looks like they melt….

Syd: That’s fucked up.

Lilith: It looks like it got a lot hotter in this room. And they just sag all the way to the floor until you see them just kind of break away from the Truck. Just like a viscous silicone tan liquid just kinda snakes across the floor and down a uh, little drain.

Syd: That’s not normal… That can’t be good.

Amanda: Noooo….

Cassidy: I think we should probably follow those balls.

Robyn: [sighs] … Yeah.

Amanda: We’re going to have to go find sewer balls?

Cassidy: Uh, so how possessed? I’m still channeling detect magic so how do I see this?

Lilith: You do see the uh, very, very… these haunted ass balls. They melt away into the floor and after pretty quickly you no longer can see that glowing aura. It seemed to go not that too far underground but it seemed to move away from the garage, back towards the street.

Cassidy: They went that way. And I just point to whatever direction they would have gone to underground.

Amanda: Well I think we should make a speedy exit and follow those balls!

Syd: Yeah.

Cassidy: OK I don’t know how much longer I can keep looking though.

Robyn: Um, ugh, yeah…

Amanda: Alright.

Robyn: I don’t think- Is the grate like, large enough that we could all fit if we removed it somehow?

Lilith: No, it’s like a foot by six inches.

Robyn: Ok cool. I mean, yeah, let’s follow, our only option is to follow those balls.

Amanda: Alright! Well, uh… Samantha, it was a lovely pleasure, I mean, we really… We’re overwhelmed with the story. It will be up, tweeted it, everything, we will get it.

Lilith: OK, alright, sounds good, do y’all need like a… an e-mail or something?

Amanda: We, we found you here, didn’t we!? So we know! We know you’re on the freedom list, we will find you.

Lilith: OH! Okay, yeah! Y’know I’m uh… I’m on a number of mailing lists. Well, God bless America. Y’all have a nice night. And she closes the door, behind y’all.

[Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass fades in]

Lilith: So y’all leave the poor bereaved Mrs. Timmons house and pile back into the winnebago. Mikey takes the wheel, his eyes still black, and follows the faint glow through the streets of Poulton. Winding and curving through the streets, and eventually you all find yourselves back at Jackie’s Customs and looks like whatever that thing was, it just went inside.

[Outro – Music Break

(untranscribed lyrics)

It’s the fury of the storm

It’s the endless falling rain

It’s the growing of the dark

It’s the thrive of decay

It’s the voice of woe

It’s the call of the moon

It’s the cold retribution

The dark rider known as death]

Lilith: Hello, Lucifer again, with a few post-show production notes. First of all, be sure to stop by our page on iTunes to subscribe to our podcast and leave us a review. Let us know how you feel about the show that really helps us out. You can find more information on Ghostpuncher Corps at Ghostpuncher.net, where you can also find links to our social media accounts on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. You can also find Ghostpuncher the webcomic, written by [Lilith] with art by Ina K.D. Any music or sound effects used on this episode of Ghostpuncher Corps are used non-commercially and with attribution. They can be found linked in the description of this episode. Thank you so much to Skagos for Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass, the intro and outro of our show. Ghostpuncher Corps is forever an ad-free show made by independent and occasionally starving artists. So, if you would like to donate to your favorite supernatural investigators and their devilishly handsome boss head to patreon.com/ghostpuncher