Transcript – Episode 5

(Transcription by Micha Cavaseno, contact for transcription work here)

[Music Fades In:  Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass]

Lilith: Previously on Ghostpuncher Corps!

Lilith: You’re outside Uncle Stickey’s

Welcome to my House of Humors!

Amanda: Oh god.

Robyn: So is this like a weird ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ thing or… ?

Amanda: What is the nature of this… club challenge?

Lilith: Ah yes, my humble treasure club! I’m so glad you asked!… If you pass, you can keep your items and you now have lifetime membership to Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Club! And if you fail, you will be forced to surrender all of your purchases by Bernice

I’ve taken a slot bracelet from a crying toddler, I don’t give a shit, try me!

Syd: Elektra giggles.

Lilith: I know your type!

Amanda: I think you are her type!

Cassidy: Something happens which is deeply disturbing. Some Altered States evolutionary regression kinda stuff. A fucked up gorilla-esque human ancestor.

Lilith: So light your torches, ready your blades, and keep an eye out for peril. As we join the adventures of the Ghostpuncher Corps.

[Musical interlude]

Lilith: First off, honestly we’ve got a couple housekeeping things…

Syd: Yeah.

Amanda: Mmmhm.

Lilith: One, um, hey we’re on iTunes! That’s cool!

Syd: Yeah!

Amanda: That is cool!

Lilith: Yeah! 2, Robyn has left the podcast. At least for now…

Syd: [mimics a sad slide-trombone]

Lilith: Yeah, it’s not awesome, obviously I’m not thrilled about it. But, like…

Cassidy: Shit happens.

Lilith: Shit happens, and also like Robyn’s really busy down in Austin it sounds like. I’m friends with them on Facebook and they’ve got shows going on all the time which, by the way, if you’re in Austin, Texas; keep an eye out for Robyn Reynolds’ shows and stuff. They do a lot of improv comedy around town, and they’re really funny! You can check out the first three episodes of this podcast for proof!

[A Karaoke version of Korn’s “Freak On A Leash” suddenly blares into the mix]

Lilith: One thing we need to discuss is how we’re going to resolve this from a story perspective. Kevin…. Kevin left, Kevin got food poisoning, Kevin got pinched for credit card fraud, I don’t know.

Cassidy: I mean, I feel like Kevin, it seems… is probably the most likely person to just get really freaked out by this whole assignment and just be like “Nope! I’m out.”

Amanda: I was just going to say… Yeah.

Syd: What was Kevin’s class? Was he a rogue?

Lilith: He was a rogue, he was a rogue. And I just, really quickly, me and Robyn had talked about it… Kevin was going to level into Arcane Trickster and I had a really fun moment planned out for Kevin where Kevin’s tattoo was going to start talking to him.

Syd: Oh my god… Oh my god…!

Amanda: That’s…

Lilith: And do a sick vape trick that would show him secrets of the invisible Mage Hand that arcane tricksters get at level three.

Syd: Holy shit.

Lilith: That was gonna happen this session and honestly, it was such a good moment I just wanted to like, just toss it out there because I’m never going to be able to do that….

Amanda: Hey, excuse me, you don’t know about Petua’s tramp stamp so just keep on hoping.

[Music Cuts]

Lilith: So yeah, Kevin has left. Whatever it is the fiction ends up being, the three of you are now, you’re at the base of the Great Wall of Friendship.

Syd: On the other side.

Lilith: Yes you surmounted a beaten and bloody Bernice. And Uncle Stickey, who just looks thrilled to see that you have succeeded.

Amanda: [hoarsely] And kicking his niece’s ass which still, that still fucks with me. Also, podcast listeners, I do apologize if I sound all fucked up. Petua smoked a ton of weed before getting on this podcast. She just smoked so much weed, you guys, it was such bad, intense, sticky hot weed and now I have a throat thing, so….

Lilith: [laughs] Petua has a throat thing today.

Amanda: I, actually, Kevin is in my throat. He lives in my throat now.

Lilith: Oh, wow, that’s–

Amanda: That’s some Shining shit, right?

Lilith: Yeah that’s kinda, that’s crazy. Um, I’m into it. Uhm… And actually, there’s–

Syd: Listen… There’s enough vore podcasts out there.

Amanda: Noooo!! You didn’t have to take it there… ! 

Cassidy: If this becomes a vore podcast I quit… 

Amanda: The Shining is not about a ‘vore’, so this doesn’t have to be a vore.

Cassidy: There’s a lot of things I’m willing to roleplay, that’s one one of them.

Amanda: Yeah, nah.

Lilith: Ooookay! I just, let me just tear a few sheets out of the notebook real quick.

Cassidy: I’m sorry, me and you have already had this conversation.

Amanda: Which notebook, the one for your podcast or the one for your marriage?

Lilith: [laughs]

Cassidy: Both.

Lilith: Yeah yeah yeah, first one and then the other. But anyway…

Amanda: Ok, Ok. Reeling it back in.

Lilith: [chuckling] OK so, Uncle Stickey’s in front of you and he’s… Well, congratulations, it’s time for you to head on to your next challenge which is right through that door over there! And there’s a door at the other end of the room.

Prepare yourselves for the Pipe Organ of Doom!

Amanda: I really don’t wanna see your pipe organ. I’m fine I think.

Lilith: [brief stammer] Are you familiar with the, you ever been to church ma’am?

Amanda: I, I was making a joke I don’t know how terrible I sound. Yeah, yeah.

Syd: Elektra laughs.

Cassidy: What’s a pipe organ?

Amanda: It’s a very large piano. Kind of.

Cassidy: What’s a piano?

Amanda: The thing with all the keys? It’s black and white… ?

Syd: I like motion at my arms and

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Cassidy: Ohhhh yeah. 

Syd: But bigger! And it uses wind.

Cassidy: Where are the keys though?

Syd: …. Let’s go see!

Lilith: Yeah, I assure you there’s one in the next room! As I just said. Uh, just really quick, there’s, in that room, there’s a key to get to the next room where you will face your final challenge. Uhm, and, yeah. Gotta find the key! Anyway! And he just bounces.

Syd: When you say ‘key’… ?

Cassidy: When you say ‘bounces’…. ?

[Assorted Laughter]

Amanda: He does seem like the kind of gentleman who would bounce, literally.

Lilith: Yeah, no, he kinda skips away in a very jovial fashion.

Cassidy: Okay.

Syd: So Elektra is very intrigued by y’know, any kind of keyboard.

Cassidy: I mean there were a lot of music puns in there. T-B-H.

Lilith: So you go in the next room, you see it’s kind of a quiet looking ‘study’ space. You see, there is to the right a pipe organ on the wall. You kinda see there’s a few things carved into it, you see just some kind of vague shapes. Not very bright in this room, it’s lit by candle; a few candles stacked on top of tables and shit like that. There’s a few bookcases, dusty old tomes and yeah, there’s a door on the other end of the room.

Syd: So we’re looking for a key. Um… I want to investigate the pipe organ, but what do I want to investigate about the pipe organ?

Lilith: I don’t know, what DO you want to investigate?

Syd: I kinda want to just look it over a little bit more closely while the other two do whatever they do.

Lilith: OK! Roll me I guess an investigation check.

Syd: [Rolls Dice] That… Is a 15.

Lilith: Fifteen? Ok. So you see, those carvings that I was referring to? It’s like the, a lot of the wood is like carved into subtle shapes of demons and devils and acts of unholy sorcery. And you see–

Syd: Bitchin’! Elektra says.

Lilith: Yeah! You see words carved into the wood above the keys!

Syd: How many keys are there?

Lilith: Uh, 49. I don’t know what’s the standard number of keys?

Amanda: The ordinary amount of keys?

Syd: OK. That’s a pretty… Fourty-Nine’s a pretty, pretty standard.

Lilith: Yeah, so the words you see carved above the keyboard.

Syd: [reading the encarved words] ”FOSSAS EFFODIUNT/ MALEFICIS INCENDERENT /HEROS, A TERGO”

Amanda: Hey now, not a… and some names scratched out?

Lilith: Yeah.

Syd: Hey, Petua. You seem to be knowledgeable on language stuff, what’s… ?

Amanda: It says “Dig trenches, burn sorcerers and strike from behind” and then there’s something I can’t quite make out that’s been scratched out.

Syd: Is there a ‘D’ in that? Can you possibly make out a ‘D’ or is it completely scratched out.

Amanda: A ‘D’? ‘D’ ‘F’ ‘M’… Oh, what do you mean? A ‘D’ ‘F’ ‘M’ ‘I’ ‘H’.

Syd: What’s Latin for ‘Dragula’?

Cassidy: … That was a dumb joke. It took me a minute.

Lilith: [Laughs] You still haven’t solved the puzzle so… No.

Cassidy: The answer is not ‘Dragula’?

Amanda: I’m so confused by what…

Lilith: [Laughs]

Syd: OK… Um.

Cassidy: Mikey is just gonna wander around the room, looking at random books, pulling them off the shelves. Just looking for a physical key.

Syd: Dig ditches, born sorcerers… what was the last bit?

Lilith & Amanda: [in unison] Strike from behind.

Syd: Strike from behind….

Cassidy: Strike from behind what?

Amanda: Oh, I see, the thing that we’re striking from behind has been scratched out. Not some other thing.

Syd: Is it like a word or a whole line that got scratched out?

Lilith: It looks like it was just about seven or eight characters worth of space. But somebody just really scratched it out.

Amanda: Ok. Hmm… Well, is there anything else in this room…? Besides the books and the organ?

Lilith: Books, candles, that’s about it!

Amanda: Alright. Well, here’s a thought. Why don’t we ignore this riddle for now and Elektra, why don’t you just try playing this organ?

Cassidy: Can I just roll a search to like, root through the room or is there any point to even doing that?

Lilith: I mean… You don’t find… You find books that Mikey doesn’t know how to read.

Cassidy: OK… Mikey’s looking for physical keys.

Lilith: Aaaaand… you find… Physical keys?

Cassidy: Yes. Like he was told there was a key in this room and he’s gonna find it.

Lilith: Well he’s not. He can’t find it just looking around the room right now.

Cassidy: Do you think the key might be magic?

Syd: Is the organ running right now? Can I tell if it’s a mechanical organ or an electrical organ?

Lilith: It is a mechanical organ, it does seem to be running.

Syd: I would like to just press a key on it.

Lilith: OK.

Syd: Let’s say like a ‘D’ somewhere in the middle of the keyboard. [Note is struck] So I kinda like, look around, to see if I notice anything happen when I press a key on the organ.

Lilith: I mean, it just makes the note.

Syd: And that’s it, ok. Are there any additional, like, stops on the organ?

Lilith: No.

Syd: Is it just the keyboard and the whole… ‘interface’? Just, panel, wood…

Lilith: Yeah yeah. Yeah, your standard organ with a bunch of demonic shit carved into it.

Syd: Yeah.

Cassidy: Wait how many… We came through a door to get into this room, how many doors are there?

Lilith: There’s one other door.

Cassidy: One other door. What does the door look like?

Lilith: It looks like a plain wooden door?

Cassidy: Is there a handle?

Lilith: Yeah, there’s a handle on it.

Cassidy: OK I’m gonna try opening the door!

Lilith: OK it’s locked.

Cassidy: Is there a keyhole?

Lilith: There’s a keyhole.

Cassidy: OK.

Amanda: If only we had somebody who could pick locks here.

Lilith: Yeaaah.

Amanda: Darn. Wouldn’t that be great? Anyways I’m just pondering, alright. Just getting real philosophical this evening. Mikey.

Cassidy: Yep!

Amanda: Do you remember when we were in that lady’s house and you looked for, I guess then it was the truck nuts.

Cassidy: Oh yeah!

Amanda: Do you want to try doing that again?

Cassidy: Yeah I can do that again.

Amanda: Alright.

Cassidy: So, Mikey kinda stops and closes his eyes and rocks back on his heels a couple times. Opens them again, pitch black eyes and I cast Detect Magic.

Lilith: OK! Uhhh… you do see the organ does seem to be enchanted.

Cassidy: OK. So do I discern anything else about the nature of this enchantment?

Lilith: It’s Enchantment magic, that’s…

Cassidy: OK. So no is the answer.

Lilith: Well, Enchantment is a school of magic. Like, I don’t…

Cassidy: No, that’s fair. I guess you’re right. Mikey will relay the information that there’s something up with the organ. That it’s unusual or magic.

Syd: Interesting… Well, the key…

Amanda: Wait, can I… ?

Cassidy: D’ya think maybe the key is inside the organ? Can we take it apart? I can break it.

Syd: Well, he might’ve been referring to a musical key, which is a collection of notes that… it makes a specific…

Cassidy: Mikey is hanging on your every word and understanding none of it.

Syd: [Laughs]

Amanda: I mean could these be references to songs?

Syd: I’m saying… Yes, that’s what I’m thinking. Maybe we have to play the organ in a special way and that’s the key to open the door, seeing as it’s enchanted.

Cassidy: Maybe you have to play it with your feet! That would be really hard.

Syd: Not if we have foot pedals. Are there any foot pedals on this organ?

Lilith: I mean, there are because there usually are on an organ.

Syd: It’s an organ! Yeah… I wanna sit at the organ and just… start playing the hit song [Regresses into giggles] song by Rob Zom…

Amanda: Song’s called ‘Dracula’?

Cassidy: Rob Zombie, “Dragula”.

Lilith: OK, you, I want you to roll me, what is it a Performance check? Roll me a performance check. ‘Cause you’re playing “Dragula” by ear, the opening synth riff of “Dragula” by ear.

Syd: Yes [Rolls Dice] That is a… 13.

Lilith: [Organs Cue] Ok! You hear those spooky chords come out, and as soon as you hit that third note and release… A little drawer opens up beneath the keys–

Syd: Oh shit!

Lilith: And inside is a tiny metal key.

Amanda: Oh wow! Good call!

Syd: Noice.

Amanda: What song was that, I’ve never heard it before.

Syd: It’s “Dragula” by Rob Zombie.

Amanda: Fascinating.

Syd: Hey Petua, would it be… ‘Dragula’ is not Latin, what’s Latin for ‘chariot’?

Amanda: Uh, pause! Pause the game! [Laughs]

Cassidy: What’s a chariot?

Syd: It’s like a… a bucket that a person can stand in, and it’s got wheels on the side of it.

Cassidy: Oh.

Amanda: The expression is ‘sinum currus’.

Cassidy: What’s Latin?

Syd: Hmmm. A dead language.

Amanda: Oh Latin’s a very old language.

Cassidy: Oh ok.

Amanda: It’s good though!

Syd: So I take the key and I walk towards the door with it, and put the key in the key slot. Unless something else happens.

Lilith: No keep going.

Amanda: I don’t think that’s how D&D works also, like I think you just gotta commit to the bit.

Syd: I turn the key in the, does it go into the–

Lilith: Yeah the key goes into the door!

Syd: Does it unlock it?

Lilith: Yeah! The door unlocks and the door swings open.

Syd: What is in the next room.

Lilith: So you see in the next room, it’s kind of a performance area? There’s kind of lines of benches on each side of the area and kind of a very short wooden stage. And Bernice is sitting on the stage. She’s got an Icee in her hand, just kinda slurping away at it. And she sees the three of you!

Syd: Oh. H-Hi… Elektra waves a little bit.

Lilith: Hey.

Cassidy: Hey Bernice.

Lilith: Hey Mikey.

Amanda: Oh, hello again.

Lilith: Wow y’all got through that.

Cassidy: Sorry I punched you in the face…. Aw, okay.

Lilith: Nah it’s… That’s chill. That’s chill. All part of the game, y’know?

Cassidy: I didn’t want to but you hit Petua.

Lilith: Hey. Like I said, all part of the game, all’s fair. Petua, I hope there’s no hard feelings.

Amanda: Um, well, your fist was pretty hard, and my face is full of feelings so yes.

Lilith: She rattles the slurpee in her hand in that way to kinda loosen it up a little bit and kinda points it towards you. You want a sip?

Amanda: I really don’t. I’ve kinda got a throat thing happening, I don’t think you want my….

Lilith: Oh yeah right. I hear that, I hear that.

Amanda: Yeah it happened in like, five minutes, it wasn’t great! No, no I’m good. Unless that has any kind of healing or restorative properties in which case I will definitely take a hit of that.

Lilith: I mean, I could put some Day-Quil in it if you want me to!

Amanda: [Wearily] Is that what you folks do out here?

Lilith: She pulls out a bottle… [Bursts into laughter]

Amanda: Oh shit.

Lilith: …shakes it again, and hands it over to you.

Amanda: I make eye-contact with her and take a long sip.

Lilith: That restores you for 2 points of damage.

Syd: [Laughs]

Amanda: Oh, shit! Alright!

Cassidy: Ok, so I gotta-, is this magic Day-Quil or…

[Assorted Chuckles]

Cassidy: Are we just accepting that Day-Quil gives you hit points.

Lilith: Day-Quil gives you back hit points.

Cassidy: OK.

Lilith: Folks, today we’re sponsored by Day-Quil apparently. Just put it in your Icee, it’ll make it better…

Cassidy: No I just hope that, I just want to know if that’s a true fact in this universe. Because, if there ever is a chance now that I’m low on health, that I need to not be low on health, I want to break into a fucking pharmacy to get super fucked up. And then get a bunch of health back!

Syd: Robo-Trippin’.

Lilith: The only… The reason the Day-Quil worked for Petua is because she has the throat-thing.

Cassidy: OK.

Amanda: [Chuckles}

Lilith: It’s all conditional, you gotta justify it to me in narrative.

Amanda: Alright.

Syd: That makes sense.

Cassidy: So being robo-trippin’ doesn’t make you invincible.

Lilith: No it does not.

Cassidy: OK.

Lilith: God.

Amanda: God…

Syd: Elektra timidly asks Bernice: So… what’s next?

Lilith: Oh. Y’all got done with all that stuff a little bit faster than we expected.

Syd: Have a knack.

Lilith: Uncle Stickey’s uh, getting ready. That was pretty cool what you did! Yeah.

Syd: Elektra blushes.

Lilith: Most of the six-year olds, even if they can stand getting punched in the face by me, they can’t get past the, y’know, the Rob Zombie trap as I like to call it.

Syd: It is a good one.

Amanda: Well, it is a good one. I’m not familiar with his work but that’s why we have Petua around… I mean, Petua, fuck. What was in that? It wasn’t Day-Quil. Elektra around.

[Syd & Amanda Chuckle]

Lilith: Yeah, yeah, uh, I think he’s gonna be out in a little bit, sorry. He’s… It’s like a costume change thing.

Amanda: Oh god, isn’t this a lot….? Right.

Lilith: Well he doesn’t get to this part a lot… Like I said, most of the kids that try this, I mean, doesn’t go as well.

Amanda: Children do this?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah! No, I mean… It’s kind of a thing FOR KIDS like… It’s like a tourist trap. You thought a secret treasure club was for adults?

Amanda: I mean…

Syd: Well, never change the song ‘cause… you find a kid who can do it, you got yourself a cool kid.

Cassidy: I didn’t know what to think frankly.

Lilith: Well, I mean, Mikey, you’re kind of, you’re like in a super position of like… 5 and thirty-somethin’? Right? So that’s–

Cassidy: What’s a super position?

Lilith: It’s like a really good position.

Cassidy: Cool.

Lilith: Yeah… Uh, and then, she hears, there’s a knock behind the stage. Well, looks like he’s ready. She jumps off the stage, not much of a jump, more like a hop. She just kind of walks out of the area that you’re in, and then Uncle Stickey comes out, onto the stage and then he’s actually… At first glance it actually seems like he’s wearing the same clothes he was wearing? But they all seem to be fitting him-

Cassidy: What clothes was he wearing before?

Lilith: It was just like… It’s a tan vest, striped button-down shirt and khaki pants. But it all just seems to be sitting on him a lot weirder now.

Syd: Huh.

Lilith: And he looks at all of you and he says Oh wonderful! You’ve passed your second challenge! Now, your final challenge. Now, let me know, are you ready?

Amanda: … As ready as I’ll ever be I guess.

Cassidy: Ready for what?

Syd: Sure, I guess.

[Stickey’s voice distorts and an Electric Wizard’s “Barbarian” kicks in]

Lilith: Ready to face The Wizard! And he tears away his clothes, it’s breakaway clothing, and underneath he’s wearing a cloak and a hood, the hood is obviously down and tights. And he kind of gestures his hands up in the air and waggles his fingers at you and it’s time to roll for initiative.

Amanda: Can I just say that this is a lot.

Lilith: [Laughs]

[Song Fades Out]

Cassidy: Can I just ask one simple question, and if you don’t have an answer that’s fine.

Lilith: Yes, OK.

Cassidy: It’s like, meta-gaming to know this, you don’t have to tell me.

[Dice Rolls in Background]

Cassidy: … but the clothes that he tore off, were those actually the same clothes he was wearing before, and does that mean Uncle Stickey just tear-away clothes all the time?

Amanda: [Laughing] That was my other question.

Cassidy: Or does he have, like a seperate set of tear-away clothes that look like his regular clothes. And if so, which one of those is stranger? Because I can’t decide! [Ends in Laughter]

Amanda: Me neither.

Lilith: [Laughs] Duplicate clothes with breakaways. He was wearing the genuine article before.

Cassidy: OK.

Lilith: Yeah.

Amanda: So does that mean he wakes up every morning and decides how weird he wants to get? Like, at the beginning of the day? Like do I wanna be able to tear away all my clothes?

Lilith: I mean–

Cassidy: I mean, what it does mean is this guy took off his clothes, put on a hood and robe and tights, and put on a seperate set of clothes over top of that, to look like the clothes he just took off, but aren’t. K.

Lilith: Yep! Yep. That is what he did.

Amanda: All right…

Syd: [sighs] Good grief.

Lilith: That is what he does, every day. Anyway, yeah. Throw that initiative in there.

Syd: 18!

Amanda: Ah, that’s a 20.

Lilith: Cool.

Cassidy: I rolled a 5.

Lilith: OK, Petua! You go first! It’s time for you to defeat the wizard!

Amanda: I sure will do that. Um, hm…. See, ‘cause I’ve got this awesome hammer now, that I really want to use, but I know that’s not the best thing to use right now? Maybe as a final blow kind of thing. I will however cast Chill Touch on him.

Lilith: Okay.

Amanda: Ghostly skeletal hand to a creature in range. The target takes 1d Necrotic damage on hit.

Lilith: Ok.

Amanda: So, gonna roll… And that’s a 16. Ok, so that’s sixteen plus 3 which is, 19.

Lilith: OK, that hits.

Amanda: Alright. Get ready for 1d Necrotic damage I guess… And uh, Petua, ok, can I add a little bit of story flavor here?

Lilith: Yeah, nononono absolutely.

Amanda: ‘cause I… so I know that this hammer is not necessarily a spellcasting Focus? But can I swing it as I cast the spell anyways?

Lilith: Oh, I mean, it’s a spellcasting focus.

Amanda: Oh, shit, it is. OK.

Lilith: Yeah! Yeah, it’s a +1 Warlock spellcasting focus.

Amanda: Oh, it is! How did I miss that, I wrote it down right on my sheet. Fuck of all this. Alright, I swing my hammer, and point it at him and say: Let’s see what this baby can do. And enjoy [Rolls Dice]… Whoop, that was a d10. Don’t enjoy that… Enjoy [Rolls Dice Again] 6 points of damage.

Lilith: Fuck, all right!

Amanda: And also the hand is clinging to him and he can’t regain hit points until the start of my next turn.

Syd: [Dryly] No Day-Quil.

Lilith: Uuuugh! Uuuugh Gross! He’s like, shaking… Where did you, where did you aim it at? Like what part of him is it stuck to?

Amanda: Throat.

Lilith: Throat! He is like, grasping at it and just kind of like waaaah! This is super gross and weird!

Syd: [Laughs]

Amanda: And just to make sure, Uncle Stickey not an undead target is he?

Lilith: Yeah, Uncle Stickey’s like, a person.

Amanda: Ok, so he’s not undead.

Lilith: He is not undead.

Amanda: Just checking, alright. I’ve got my hands on him though! He’s literally caught these hands. Alright.

Syd: [Chortles]

Lilith: Elektra, it’s your turn!

Syd: I’m, gonna take it from the situation that he’s not a real wizard [Snickers]

Lilith: Well?

Syd: I guess we’ll find out. Gonna do Vicious Mockery and, um… Yeah it’s just a Wisdom saving throw.

Lilith: OK.

Syd: So I will say my mockery. [Warped Sounding] You look shitty and ridiculous.

Amanda: How did that get so loud? I mean, goodness.

Cassidy: Harsh.

Syd: He must succeed on a wisdom saving throw for… 12. Or take one d4 in Psychic damage.

Lilith: Okay. Well he just rolled a 17 so he says I LOOK FANTASTIC! And you know what, I think this hand is… pretty befitting of me as well so nyeh! And so he actually raises up his hands and he points at Elektra’s amp! And then it turns off!

Amanda: Oh.

Syd: No. Don’t do that.

Lilith: ‘cause he just cast the spell On/Off.

Syd: Don’t do that!

Lilith: Yeah! [Scoffs] Not a real wizard…

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: Um, let’s see. And that he was actually able to cast as a bonus action so he then turns to Petua and, I need Petua to make a Wisdom saving throw.

Amanda: Ooookay. Let’s see [Rolls Dice] That’s a 13 plus 1, so a 14.

Lilith: Damn, you just saved yourself from Crown of Madness. OK, Mikey, it’s your turn.

Amanda: Awwww….

Cassidy: Ok, so… How big is this room?

Lilith: Uh it is about 50 feet across, 50 feet long. It is a very small performance space.

Cassidy: Ok. Aaaaand….

Lilith: Like for puppet shows, or that kind.

Cassidy: So you said it’s like 15×15?

Lilith: No, 50×50.

Cassidy: 50 by 50 OK. How spread out is everybody right now. Basically who is within 15 feet of me?

Lilith: Um, I think y’all would’ve been in the same kind of clump. Uncle Stickey is up on the stage he’s about 30 feet away.

Cassidy: I’m gonna use my second Wild Shape for the day and Mikey is just going to sort of explode… not out of his shirt, because thankfully the pug face t-shirt is a Triple XL. But out of his pants certainly.

Syd: [laughter then groans]

Amanda: Oh that’s very bad.

Cassidy: So when Mikey shape-shifts, it’s not really like him turning into an animal, it’s more him like, turning into the closest human ancestor to that animal is? So the Grizzly I imagine to.. A giant fucked up, giganthropithicus-looking thing with this statline of–

Amanda: That’s a great word… Yeah.

Cassidy: What, giganthropithicus? It is a great word. So yeah I turn into that, and I just charge and attack him.

Lilith: That’s awesome. Ok, yeah, is that just like a Scratch attack or…?

Cassidy: Oh, hold on I’m pulling it’s text up. OK, so it does give me Multi-Attack because pretty much all animals it seems have that?

Lilith: Mmmhmmm.

Cassidy: One Bite and one Claw attack.

Lilith: Okay!

Cassidy: OK, so I got a 13 on my Claw attack?

Lilith: Ok, that hits.

Cassidy: Ok so… Oh wow, being a bear rules. OK so he takes 2 d6 worth of damage.

Lilith: [sotto voce] Fuckin’ A.

Syd: Goddang.

Cassidy: Which is, 8 plus my strength modifier, he takes 12 points of damage.

Lilith: OK!

Amanda: Damn.

Lilith: And you said you had Multi-Attack, right?

Cassidy: Yeah, and then I also have a Bite attack. I rolled a 16 for that… Also hit?

Lilith: Fuckin’ A! Alright. Yep.

Cassidy: And that does… Another 10 damage. I’m sorry, 9 damage. I rolled a 5. It’s one d8 and I got 4 Strength modifier.

Lilith: Alright, alright. OK. He’s looking real bad, like… He’s now being mauled by a bear. And kinda looks like a person who’s being mauled by a bear.

Cassidy: Can I specify that it’s not a bear, it’s a large vaguely human-like creature with Mikey’s face and a pug t-shirt.

Amanda: God…

Lilith: Yeah.

Cassidy: What I really want is I just want to get this podcast to the point that people are making fan-art of what Mikey’s Wild Shapes look like, because I think that’s gonna be the best thing.

Lilith: That’s gonna be like, so… Oh god. We’re gonna get the most upsetting images. Send those all to my wife! Don’t fucking send them to me, I don’t need those nightmares.

[Assorted Nervous Laughter]

Cassidy: If there’s gonna be fan art of Mikey I want it, I want to see it. I will print it out, I will put it on the refrigerator. I swear to God.

Lilith: Let’s see, okay. So Mikey did all that damage… Is horrifying prehistoric Mikey-beast going to do anything after biting and slashing at this–

Cassidy: That’s pretty much all I can do.

Lilith: This man who, he looks to be about I would say about… I think I said mid-60s? Last time… ?

Cassidy: Hey! He started a fight. Mikey brought the fight.

Amanda: Mikey did bring the fight.

Lilith: Mikey fucking brings the fight, God. Alright. Petua, it is your turn.

Amanda: Wow, good job Mikey. I’m really impressed by this bear. I’m going to cast… You know what? I say just have that Chill Touch hand just tighten its grip around his throat, I wanna cast it again.

Lilith: Okay. Do you roll… A save, no, was that a save? Sorry.

Amanda: No it’s just to see if it’ll hit again.

Lilith: Oh, ok. Go ahead.

Amanda: Alright. [Rolls Dice] Hooooo. That was a 2.

Lilith: Ohhhh, ok. The hand around his neck breaks it’s grasp but, y’know, he doesn’t seem all that happy about it because y’know, there’s still a bear, still a prehistoric bear-thing on top of him? Um, Elektra, it is your turn, and your amp is off.

Syd: Can I, Can I turn it back on?

Lilith: That’s gonna be your action for the turn, it’s gonna take a sec.

Syd: Oh nooooo.

Amanda: Do you have any pointy objects?

Syd: I’ve got a bat… I mean I have a knife, combat knife….

Amanda: I say you whack him in the head.

Syd: Yeah that was my thought….

Amanda: Yeah, just go bowling with this motherfucker, isn’t he prone?

Lilith: Yeah, he is!

Amanda: [Whispering] Whack him with the bat.

Syd: Um, yeah. Get my bat, say No-one fucks with my gear asshole! And come at him with my bat.

Lilith: Okay, Okay. Yeah, roll to hit!

Syd: [Rolls Dice] Nooo it fell.

Amanda: Oooh, it’s bad luck.

Syd: Let’s see… [Rolls Again] It’s an 18.

Lilith: Eighteen hits!

Syd: [Rolls Again] T-Two. 2 damage.

Lilith: Two damage. I mean, he takes it, but obviously he’s a lot more worried about the bear. And, uh–

Syd: Sure.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: The horrifying prehistoric bear-thing. And he–

Cassidy: I’m sort of imagining it as like, the point where apes diverged from giant sloths? I know that’s not a real point in evolution…

Amanda: Oh my god.

Syd: Oh my god….

Cassidy: But, that’s what I’m imagining.

Lilith: He casts Max’s Earthen Grasp. And I need Mikey to make an Intelligence saving throw.

Cassidy: OK.

Lilith: Oh, I’m sorry. A Strength saving throw.

Cassidy: Oh well that’s way better. I’m a fucking Bear! Like literally.

Lilith: [Softly] That’s true, you are a bear…

Cassidy: Uh, I got a… 16.

Lilith: Sixteen? OK. He’s not… [chortles]

[Assorted Snorts & Giggles]

Lilith: Sorry y’all, there’s a very good picture of a… It looks like a fucked up diorama prehistoric ape thing.

Syd: The ‘Kentish Ape Man’.

Cassidy: Yes. Exactly that. That’s exactly what is beating the crap out of Uncle Stickey right now. Except with Mikey’s beard and t-shirt.

[Assorted noises of horror and disgust]

Syd: Uh, god, I’m gonna go to GIMP later.

Lilith: Ugh, oh, you just… Okay, alright. Well! This, this fucked up terrifying creature, it manages to escape Max’s, and thus in by proxy, Uncle Stickey’s Earthen Grasp. And it is Mikey’s turn.

Cassidy: OK, soooo… How fucked up is Uncle Stickey right now, because Mikey’s not really trying to kill him or anything.

Lilith: He… He does look like he is… Um! He looks bad, like his nose is bleeding. You can tell there’s a little bit of blood dribbling out of his mouth.

Cassidy: OK.

Lilith: He, yeah. He looks bad!

Cassidy: OK, so I’m gonna drop my Wild Shape. Suddenly Mikey kind of deflates from this horrible ape-creature down to regular Mikey but wearing shreds of pants instead of pants. Uhhh, and I’ll cast Entangle.

Lilith: Ok.

Amanda: Nice.

Cassidy: He has to take a save, I think it’s a Reflex save. But it might be strength I’m just checking… Uhhh, creature under spell must succeed on Strength saving throw or be restrained.

Lilith: Okay. What’s the DC on that?

Cassidy: Oh it’s my spell-save DC which I guess is my, spell-modifier I think… ? Or my Efficiency bonus and my Wisdom modifier?

Lilith: It’s uh… OK, your saving throw DC is 8 plus your… Whatever your modifier is for your spellcasting? Plus your efficiency bonus.

Cassidy: OK. Thennn, you said eight, plus that?

Lilith: Eight, plus yeah.

Cassidy: Ok so… That mean the Spell DC is 13.

Lilith: Thirteen? He rolled a 12.

Cassidy: Ok. So Uncle Stickey is restrained.

Lilith: Uncle Stickey is restrained. Uh, by what?

Cassidy: Oh, just roots that burst up out of the ground.

Lilith: Ok, ok!

Amanda: Alright.

Cassidy: Yeah, just some classic Nature magic shit.

Lilith: [Grunts] You’ve absolutely ruined my stage! Unhand me!

Cassidy: Well… You said we had to fight you, and you can’t fight anymore. So I think that means we win?

Lilith: Well, it would seem that you have bested The Wizard. And therefore you get to keep your items. Good job everyone.

Cassidy: Thank you! K I’ll dismiss the spell.

Lilith: You can tell he’s clearly not used to losing. This is….

Syd: Elektra still wants to come at him with her bat. But stops herself at the last moment. She’s still very pissed off about him fucking with her gear.

Amanda: [Giggles]

Lilith: He flinches. Y-you can turn it back on dear it was just a spell…

Syd: It’s the principle.

Lilith: Apologies. You did hit me in the face already so….

Amanda: Yeah I only got to hit him like, once!

Cassidy: I only hit him twice, but it counted.

Amanda: Yeah…

Lilith: Y-Yeah it really counts a lot when you hit, it counts A Lot Mikey. That was pretty fucked up, it was viscerally terrifying. Well, anyway….

Cassidy: I’m sorry.

Amanda: [chuckles]

Lilith: I guess you are now uh…

Amanda: Did you just call him Mickey?

Cassidy: My name’s Mikey.

Lilith: Did I, Mikey, did I say Mickey?

Cassidy: With an ‘e’.

Lilith: Got it, got It. Won’t happen again.

Amanda: Yeah, better not.

Lilith: Hm. Seems… Okay, there’s a weird energy building in this room.

Amanda: [Giggles]

Syd: Yeah Elektra’s, she’s put away her bat, but….

Lilith: I really don’t know what you all are complaining about, you uh, left my niece quite battered and bruised and–

Amanda: Have you thought about that maybe we’re not into this kind of sadistic activity just to join a discount club, or whatever the fuck you’re offering? Like…

Syd: I didn’t lay a hand on Bernice!

Lilith: It’s a treasure club, and you did this out of your own free will!

Syd: That’s true.…

Amanda: I mean, you did kind of hold us financially captive, so…. Like I can’t not keep this hammer.

Lilith: W-well the purchases, I mean…

Syd: Yeah we don’t get that money back.

Lilith: That’s the rules of the Treasure Club! I explained it before you bought anything, I was very clear about it.

Amanda: You’re acting as-… Yes ok, I’m not gonna fight this guy. I, look…

Cassidy: I mean we already did fight him and he lost.

Lilith: We’re up to code, we’ve got-… You want to contact the bet, b-[stammers] 

Amanda: Try again! Take a second one?

Lilith: [Chuckles]

Cassidy: What’s a ‘Better Business Bureau’?

Amanda: It’s a very, very deep hole where we put all the capitalists.

[Assorted giggling]

Cassidy: Oh! What’s a capitalist?

Amanda: You don’t wanna know. Continue, Dr. Stickey, for the love of god, please.

Lilith: [Laughs] Well, um, I guess you’re all free to go, any time you–

Cassidy: Did you just call him DOCTOR Stickey?!?

Lilith: S-She did.

[More Laughter]

Cassidy: OK. Just checking.

Lilith: I was gonna let it go but uh, I kind of enjoyed being called that.

Amanda: Just really, throwing around surnames… No, no. I’m not going to call you that.

Lilith: [Laughs] Well, um–

Amanda: And for the record, we should have been ALWAYS free to go, because you shouldn’t have been holding us captive against our will!

Lilith: You can put down your items at any time, but in order to keep the items- I really don’t see what’s unclear about that. ANYWAY!

Cassidy: So did we win or not?

Amanda: We did.

Lilith: You won! Jeez!

Cassidy: What did we win…? Oh…

Lilith: You won the things you already got! I know it’s a difficult system to wrap your head around but–

Cassidy: I thought there was a prize at the end….

Amanda: But I think we also get to shop at his spots and buy cool other magic shit, is that correct?

Lilith: Yes! Any time you see another Uncle Stickey’s franchise in your travels across this nation you can stop in, have a chat with us, we’re always happy to say hello! Even to you. And you can purchase from Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Club?

Syd: Do we get a special… card to identify that?

Lilith: No, I’ll remember you. There’s not a whole lot of people at Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Club, I am Uncle Stickey.

Syd: How are you… You made it sound like….

Amanda: So wait, so this is basically a club full of people who have kicked personally your ass?

Lilith: Y’know, I usually don’t think about it that way, but uh, I guess that’s right.

Syd: You made it sound like there’s multiple ones, across….

Lilith: Yeah there is! Like I said, lot of franchises.

Syd: But if you’re not there….

Lilith: No I will. I will be.

Amanda & Syd: [Chuckling]

Amanda: Oh this is one of THOSE things isn’t it? Just one of those things.

Lilith: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Amanda: Well it’s just been a long week, I’m just going to put it that way.

Lilith: OK, alright, alright, well… Did you want to maybe get the fuck out of my place of business?!?

Cassidy: Yeah, ok.

Amanda: Jesus. We’re paying customers.

Lilith: Yes, well you’re paying in punching customers.

Syd: We do have to…

Cassidy: He started it.

Syd: Things to do…

Lilith: That’s fair. That’s fair. You can–

Amanda: We do have a few things to do.

Lilith: There’s a door over there that goes up a staircase that Bernice, she’ll show you out.

Syd: B-Ber-[Stammers] I was about to say, is Bernice still in the room.

Lilith: Bernice left before the fight.

Syd: [softly] Ahkay… Well, I guess we’ll start heading out… Smell ya later, gramps!

Lilith: Oh that, I feel like that negativity was uncalled for!

Cassidy: I’m sorry I punched you in the face. And bit you.

Lilith: I–

Amanda: I’m not.

Cassidy: Well I am.

Lilith: [Snickers] I’m sorry I cast all those spells at you guys.

Cassidy: That’s ok.

Lilith: Sorry none of them worked… He seems really down.

Amanda: Yeah!

Cassidy: I use my last spell slot to cast Cure Light Wounds on Uncle Stickey.

Everyone: Awwww.

Cassidy: There you go! Hope you feel better.
Lilith: Oh, th-thanks! Thanks Mikey.

Cassidy: You’re welcome!

Lilith: He’s kinda, he’s now crying, softly.

Amanda: Oh dear. This is just extremely uncomfortable for me as a person. Petua walks out.

Lilith: Ok you pass Bernice who does not seem to be paying much attention at all and you go back out into the parking lot. Your winnebago is parked where it was before. Um… Yeah!

Cassidy: Soooo nobody’s going to comment on Mikey still not wearing pants?

Lilith: I was…

Syd: Oh.

Amanda: It’s a very big pug t-shirt isn’t it?

Cassidy: Yeah it’s like… I imagine it’s at least to his knees.

Amanda: His ass isn’t out that’s all that matters.

Cassidy: No, no.

Syd: We… should get you more pants though. Do you have any more pants in your winnebago?

Cassidy: I dunno. Probably.

Amanda: Let’s check it out. Let’s look for pants. Oh look! It’s as if we had another member of the party who left and left his pants as well.

Cassidy: I mean I think we should probably just explore the contents of what’s IN the winnebago just because Mikey’s never actually looked.

Amanda: [Rolls Dice] I got an 11.

Cassidy: [Snickers] Roll for ‘Detect Pants’ or… what?

Amanda: Yeah.

Lilith: You definitely find some pants. Congratulations you found the pants.

Amanda: Nice.

Cassidy: Ok. Do they clash with the pug T-Shirt?

Syd: Ooooh.

Amanda: I could honestly see Mikey wearing some loose-fitting yoga pants. Under the–

Cassidy: Wearing what?

Amanda: Like a nice comfortable pants that aren’t slacks? I feel like Mikey isn’t a slacks kinda guy.

Cassidy: Yeah, I feel like–

Syd: Did you say yoga pants?

Amanda: Not Yoga Pants but like… I’m so sorry you guys.

Lilith: Okay…

Amanda: Forget I said this, I didn’t mean to start pants discourse, I’m sorry.

Lilith: No it’s good.

Syd: Elektra immediately goes to just like, sit’s down and just like, wiring the compressor into her amp.

Lilith: Cool.

Amanda: Nice. Petua sits down and chomps on a bagel, even though she doesn’t need to but, I’m hungry so… Has a glass of water.

Syd: Hey, we’ve got a limit per day of those.

Cassidy: Can I have one of those?

Amanda: Alright can I eat a non-magical bagel?

Syd: [Softly Chuckles]

Lilith: I mean, yeah sure. You find some tortillas that the family that Mikey stole the winnebago from.

Amanda: Oh, hello…. Noooo.

Lilith: Yeah, there you go. And there’s a bag of cheddar cheese; that’s what white people camp with.

Amanda:  I am not putting that into my body because it’s been in a car for a very long time. I throw the cheese out the window, it’s desert cheese now.

Lilith: [in mock incredulity] What? That’s a waste! I mean, if it wasn’t moldy.

Cassidy: I was eating that!

Lilith: Yeah, if it wasn’t moldy.

Amanda: It was, right?

Cassidy: Oh yeah, it was moldy.

Lilith: Oh. Well…

Cassidy: So where to now?

Amanda: Yeah, where to now?

Syd: I guess keep driving to Arizona?

Lilith: Uh, so, the radio turns on once more.

Amanda: Of course it does.

Lilith: [voice caked in radio distortion] Yeah, and… Hey Guys! It’s Luci, I’m really–

Cassidy: Hey Luci.

Lilith: Hey, Mikey. How are you?

Cassidy: Good.

Syd: Luci?

Cassidy: I ripped my pants…. But I got this cool t-shirt!
Lilith: Oh, well that’s. you get him other pants?

Amanda: We have pants.

Lilith: Ok good.

Cassidy: [stumbling over words in excitement] I got this T-shirt, it’s a really, it’s a really good t-shirt. It’s a really good shirt. It’s got like, a dog’s face? But it’s like, the whole shirt.

Lilith: That’s….

Syd: It’s a sick ass shirt.

Cassidy: It’s really good I wish that you could see it.

Lilith: I’m… I hope I see that next time I see y’all. That’s really great. I know, kinda got complaints with the last… the last assignment was kinda vague instructions right? Well–

Amanda: Yeah, everything is kinda been pretty vague.

Lilith: Everything’s been vague, I know. I’ve got a lot more, well… I hear, so there’s these things called websites. And uh, I don’t know if you’ve heard of them?

Cassidy: What’s a website?

Amanda: [icily] We’re familiar.

Cassidy: I’m not!

Lilith: I’ve heard a little bit about them from the world of the living. I, I’ll tell ya Mikey, I’m not really the best person to explain it. Maybe Elektra or Petua could give you a rundown on what a ‘web site’ is. But I’ve got one for y’all that, it’s gonna be all you’re gonna need for your next journey… Yeah.

Amanda: Well shit, alright. Can we have it now?

Lilith: Yeah yeah yeah, if you got like a web browser open, you can, here I’ve got the address in front of me right here.

Syd: Elektra’s looking at her phone.

Lilith: It’s H, T, T, P, colon–

Syd: You can skip that.

Lilith: Forward slash! Forward slash!

Syd: Y-you can…

Lilith: I, S-A-W, T-H-E,  A-R-I-Z-O-N-A, L-I-G-H-T-S, Dot T K.

Amanda: Could you repeat that… ?

Lilith: It’s “isawthearizonalights.tk”.

Syd: … Oh shit.

Lilith: Yeah, and if y’all at home want to pull that up on your browser…

Amanda: Oh shit!

Lilith: The radio shuts off.

Syd: [mutters various phrases under her breath such as ‘State’s Witness’, ‘Conspiracy’, ‘Bent Fork’ and others as she reads]

Cassidy: What’s a website?

Amanda: Well Mikey, there’s a lot of information out in the uh, the internet. Oh god, this is not…

Cassidy: What’s the internet?

Amanda: It’s like a connected network. Kind of like, um… Trying to think of a nature metaphor that works.

Cassidy: Like TV?

Amanda: Yeah, like imagine if every TV could talk to every other TV.

Cassidy: Oh ok. Like kinda like a phone.

Syd: [murmuring] That’s not good….

Amanda: Yeah, it’s like a phone and a TV. And also a library. And um… a couple of other things. We’ll show it to you some time, there’s some cool stuff there! Elektra, what are you up to.

Syd: [murmurs then clears her throat] There’s some strange shit! Let’s see… Personal web domain of Alex Andre Curtis

Lilith: It’s Alexandra.

Syd: Ahhh, Alexandra Curtis. State’s witness against the deep state conspiracy to suppress the truth around the secret bomb tests that took place outside Bent Fork, Arizona 1947. “Codename BBQ, now that’s cute. Is the only known Nuclear Test on human subjects, that’s not cute, within the borders of the united states. I have lived in the Big Fork area for 14 years. I frequently see strange lights coming from the area that the tests took place. And there’s some pictures… Oh wait, it’s still scrolling, it’s still scrolling… Fine me. Huh.

[Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass fades in]

[Outro – Music Break

(untranscribed lyrics)

It’s the fury of the storm

It’s the endless falling rain

It’s the growing of the dark

It’s the thrive of decay

It’s the voice of woe

It’s the call of the moon

It’s the cold retribution

The dark rider known as death]

Lilith: Hey everyone, Lilith here with a quick reminder. One, we’re on iTunes now so you can subscribe us, you can review us, that really helps us out quite a bit. Also, we have a Patreon now! If you go to patreon.com/ghostpuncher and you can kick in a little bit if you’ve been enjoying the show, if you want to help support it that’d be very, very great. As of right now I’m running the whole show out of my own pocket, hosting fees, recording equipment, everything like that. Which I’ve always been happy to do because I love this show. But if you want to help out, once again that’s patreon.com/ghostpuncher. Thanks!