Transcript – Episode 1

(Transcribed by Lilith)

Lilith: Hello everyone, My name is Lucifer, and welcome to Ghostpuncher Corps.

[Music fades in: Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass]

This is the story of a group of adventurers working under my employ to investigate, track and retrieve souls who have escaped my domain.

It’s not pretty, it’s not glamorous, but it’s incredibly necessary. We can’t have ghouls, spectres and zombies running amok on the land of the living.

This week, we meet our heroes for the first time, and our heroes meet me. We have a quick chat about the details of the job and they take their first assignment, investigating a series of deaths in Poulton, TX.

See, an employee of a car shop called Jackie’s custom’s died in a manner most foul as a result of negligent management.

Since then, folks connected to the shop have been turning up dead, seemingly killed by an unseen force inside rooms that no one should have been able to get into.

Our adventurers will have to investigate, and figure out a way to take down whatever hellish spectre is haunting Poulton. Let’s see how they do, in this, the very first adventure of the Ghostpuncher Corps.

[Musical interlude]

Lyrics: We walk upon the soaked carcasses of those who once gave us life

Lilith: We’ve got, um. Petua. Played by, um, Amanda. Elektra, played by Syd. And, um, I’m sorry, forgive me Robyn what’s your character’s name again?

Robyn: Kevin

Lilith: Kevin! Right. So the three of you have been summoned. You’re in this kind of dark room, the walls are, like, carved obsidian. There’s a desk at the center of the room and there is a woman with bright red skin, uhm, wearing a–I cannot tell you guys how impeccably tailored this pantsuit is. It looks fucking bangin on her.

[Music fades in: Gimme a Break by netra]

Cassidy: What’s the shoulder pad situation?

Lilith: Ah, it’s not ostentatious, but it’s there.

Cassidy: But it’s definitely there.

Lilith: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Cassidy: This is a woman with like, like. You would describe, the suit is maybe not a power suit, but there’s power in there.

Lilith: Oh yeah. There’s a little bit of power in there. And, uhm, you see a pair of cute little horns poking out from underneath a, uhm, a quite conservative haircut. And in front of her, in front of her desk are three chairs and she’s kinda gesturing for you to sit at them.

Syd: Um… I just kinda look at the other two and then I, uh shrug and sit down.

Amanda: I also sit down.

Robyn: I think I’m gonna sit down.

Lilith: Okay! Alright! Well, welcome welcome welcome. I suppose you all uhh, you all know me. I’m Lucifer, you can call me Luci. This is just kind of a little meet and greet before I give you guys your first assignment, just wanted to put faces to names, make sure all of you can log in to the HR portal, all that kind of good stuff. Ummm… Let’s see, it looks like we have, uh, Petua here? Is that right?

Amanda: Uhh I kind of look up as if I wasn’t expecting my name to be called and I go, uh. “Yeah, yeah, definitely here”

Lilith: Okay. Alright. And, uh, Elektra?

Syd: Present.

Lilith: Fantastic. Uh, and, and Kevin.

Robyn: Yeah. Um um, I’m slouched in my chair. I got my arms crossed and I just go “Yeah, that’s me.”

Cassidy: Can we have like a brief physical description of uh, Kevin, Elektra, and Petua?

Lilith: I would love that, yeah.

Robyn: That’s great

Amanda: Sure. Uhh, so Petua is about 5″ 6′, I would say and kind of, like, if you were to try to place her age, maybe you would say like late 30’s, early 40’s. She’s got a long, dark crop of hair that’s kind of braided back and she wears glasses. And I’ve kind of got a shrewis—euugh—shrewish sort of face I guess you would say? Maybe somebody you wouldn’t want to get into an argument with, that’s kind of the vibe.

Cassidy: So, the librarian but not, like, hot librarian.

Amanda: No, definitely, like yeah, like will school you on, like, library sciences and actually knows the Dewey Decimal system kind of librarian.

Lilith: Hell yeah.

Robyn: Kevin’s kind of, just, oh man how did I–He’s very just a waspy, just bland-ass dude, not much to him, just pretty messy brown hair. Uhh. The way I described him on my character sheet–kinda like one of the uglier guys in nirvana?

[Everyone laughs]

Robyn: You know, before they all got hot? Just a real, like, boring, wiry lookin guy, who cares?

Amanda: So like kind of a douchebag is what you’re saying?

Robyn: Yeah! Exactly!

Lilith: Little bit of a douchebag, okay!

Amanda: Alright

Robyn: A little bit of a douchebag.

Lilith: I’m into that, I’m into that. Elektra?

Syd: So Elektra’s like 5″ 7′, medium build, 25. She’s got one of those, one of those emo-goth haircuts everyone’s all about these days, little side-cut swooping purple.

Lilith: Yeah

Syd: A few piercings. Sega MegaDrive chip hanging from one ear. She’s kind of a all around cyberpunk babe.

Lilith: This is… A fantastic look. Um I don’t know–um, uh–where do we get fan artists Um?

Cassidy: I think we actually have to have fans first.

Lilith: Right!

Amanda: Yes! And we actually have to have a show before either of those things happen.

Lilith: Okay! Okay! Putting the cart before the horse, but like, I mean…

Amanda: Lil bit.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah.

Syd: She’s kind of like Sombra, but a different kind of hacker.

Lilith: I love it, I love it.

Amanda: She’s hacked her way into our hearts.

Lilith: I–certainly she’s hacked her way into mine.

Lucifer kind of, uh, she gets up. Just uh, really quick, here’s the job: I’ll give you what intel I have on some kind of undead entitity that’s causing a disturbance in the land of the living. Go there, do your thing, make sure whatever it is knocks it off or fucks off back to hell. Simple enough, right? Any questions.

Amanda: I…. I have a few questions. Um… Do we know anything–You’re going to tell us about the undead entity and what happens to them after we, “fuck them back into hell” as you said?

Lilith: Well, either they, like, go willingly or you, uh, kill them. Any other questions?

Robyn: Sounds chill. I’m, I’m cool with all this. This is all something I’m comfortable with. No questions.

Syd: Sounds dope.

Lilith: Alright. Petua, did you have anything else?

Amanda: No. No, I–I think I’ll just learn by doing at this point.

Lilith: Okay! Okay fantastic. So I’ll send you–send you guys back land of the living-side. Um, I do have [pause] a contact for you. Umm, he’s a bit eccentric, but he’s gonna be…. Well, I’d say he’s gonna be your wheelman, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually know how to drive, but he has a car! Name’s Mikey uhhh, and I’ll kinda just let ya’ll, uh, figure–figure out the rest of it. You’ll be meeting him outside of the town of your first mission, which is going to take place in, uh, in a little city called Poulton, Texas.

Something’s going on in Poulton, Texas. Somebody–Somebody died under mysterious circumstances and ever since then we have–I’ve been seeing a lot of people die, very specifically, in very, in very mysterious ways. So it’s been… a little fucked up. Yeah. Y’all go and figure it out.

And she kinda, shh, shooes you away.

The three of you, you’re hanging out at a rest stop in west Texas. A Winnebago pulls up in front of you, and, uh, I’m gonna let the driver of that Winnebago take over for a second.

Cassidy: So, when she says a Winnebago pulls up, what she actually means is a Winnebago screeches to a halt [brakes screeching sound] 5 feet in front of you in a cloud of gravel. The passenger side door opens and probably one of the strangest people you’ve ever seen gets out of it. Not strange so much in appearance, his actual appearance is fairly mundane, you can just imagine a very heavily bearded, long haired, kind of. Just like a hobo lookin’ motherfucker, to be honest. Oh, what’s the, is this podcast going to be rated PG? Can I swear? Do I have to worry about that?

Lilith: Oh, this podcast is rated like, R. R. NC-17, like

Cassidy: OK, ’cause like.

Lilith: There’s like–

Cassidy: Like I swear a lot, and I make a lot of jokes about sucking dick and like stuff like that.

Lilith: There’s actual dicks in Ghostpuncher, like already.

Cassidy: Well I know that.

Lilith: There’s like full frontal male demonic nudity, so like.

Cassidy: So this person, this weird hobo looking motherfucker. Very obviously wearing clothes that aren’t his. He’s got kind of a plaid button down shirt, untucked but with the sleeves rolled up probably 8 or 9 times. Also wearing khakis, no shoes, also rolled up very heavily. Clearly the clothes are intended for a much larger person, and this guy’s maybe 5″ 9′ at best. He’s sort of walks up to you. His body language is the biggest thing that you notice about him, it’s very furtive, almost animal-like. He kinda looks you over, then just kinda grunts, motions towards the RV, and then walks back into it.

Syd: Twisted.

Amanda: I think [pause] this might be our ride.

Robyn: I like it. I like this whole situation.

Amanda: Really? This really doing it for you? This is your thing?

Robyn: Oh, this is very cool.

Amanda: Alright. What about you? I nod to Elektra.

Syd: Elektra’s already boarded.

Robyn: Oh! Well

[Lilith laughs]

Amanda: Well

Robyn: And see that was very quick. Like a shadow.

Syd: Yeah.

Amanda: Darting to the Winnebago. Alright, Petua kind of just, I guess, hops on in the winnebago as well, Why not?

Robyn: I follow.

Lilith: Alright

Robyn: Kevin follows, not me.

Cassidy: So you find, you find Mikey, just kind of sitting, or–who you presume Mikey to be, kinda just sitting in the driver’s seat of the Winnebago, hands on the wheel, 2 and 10, staring straight off ahead into space.

Amanda: I tap him on the shoulder

Cassidy: He turns and looks at you and just says “I don’t know where we’re supposed to be going. So. If you do know. Maybe you should drive.”

Lilith: Lucifer gave you three spots that you can visit in Poulton that she knew of would be possible points of interest. One is a custom car shop where that mysterious death happened, that you don’t really know much else about. One is the house of one of the late victims, his wife lives there, her name is Samantha Timmons. And the other one is the Poulton Independence Garrison Police Department.

Amanda: Fuck cops, alright, not doing that.

Robyn: Yeah, fuck cops.

Syd: Fuck cops

Robyn: I think we should go to the.. Oop?

Amanda: Alright, well, first of all, our drive ju–our driver just told us that he can’t drive, so I think we sh–

Cassidy: I didn’t say I can’t drive, I just don’t know where we’re going.

Amanda: Ah right

Robyn: Wow that’s a really rude assumption to make.

Amanda: I’m sorry. I just, I interpret these things. I think petua pulls out like a black moleskine notebook that has written down the names of the various locations. How does everybody feel about the house situation? I’m really not feeling the police station.

Syd: Is that where someon–

Cassidy: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Mikey just is staring at you blankly.

Robyn: Hey, hey Mikey whassup? There’s these three places we can go to I guess? And that’s uh, a house, the cops, we can go the cops, or we can go to a car shop, which I personally like ’cause I know about those.

Mikey: I don’t know what any of those things are.

Robyn: Oh.

Amanda: Interesting. I think somebody… So you definitely can drive–

Cassidy: Oh yeah! I’ve been doing this for a little while now, I think I’ve gotten the hang of it. I’ve had this thing for a couple weeks.

Amanda: Alright.

Robyn: That’s how long it took me to learn how to drive, so. I’m, I’m comfortable with this.

Amanda: I mean the way today’s going? Why not? Alright, I think the car shop sounds just fine.

Syd: Elektra during this conversation was a little bit distracted, not paying attention. She was like, setting down her gear and taking the sleeves off of her jacket.

Cassidy: Is that like a zip or like a button kind of thing?

Syd: It’s a zip.

Amanda: Or just rip–oh I just thought you were ripping them off, okay.

Syd: It’s like a jacket and the sleeves zip off.

Cassidy: Because I feel like Elektra is so advanced in the cyberpunk fashion game that those sleeves might even be magnetic.

Syd: Oooh, yeah.

Lilith: Okay! So you pull up to this um, car shop. You see Jackie’s Customs in a big red sign outside. It’s in kind of a warehouse kinda looking building. Umm, and there is a double doors in the front

Amanda: Now this is making the assumption that we got here in one piece.

Lilith: Yeah!

Cassidy: Well Mikey’s driving style is very much all gas and all brakes.

[Syd laughs]

Robyn: At some point I told Mikey that he should only be using one foot.

[Laughing]

Cassidy: I mean, yeah. There’s two pedals. Just makes sense that you’d use two feet.

Robyn: It does!

Amanda: It does. And now that we’ve decided that I think we should check out the car shop, so I suppose that we pile out, maybe a little worse for wear but umm. Look. Mikey.

Cassidy: Yes?

Amanda: We’re going to go in there for. For a while.

Cassidy: Ok.

Amanda: And, um, you should stay in the car.

Robyn: I like that idea.

Amanda: But the car should not be moving.

Cassidy: Okay. I might not be in here, I don’t like being in here. I might be on top of it.

Amanda: Alright. That is perfectly fine. Somewhere adjacent to the car.

Cassidy: As soon as you’re done saying that, Mikey literally climbs out the open window like up on to the roof of the cab.

Amanda: Right. Well.

Robyn: Alright

Syd: Elektra’s just shaking her head, says wow. Nodding her head, not shaking her head. It’s more of an approval “wow”.

Also I gather up my gear and sling it over my back. Which, by the way. I haven’t really described that. It’s like a moderately sized portable amp. It’s definitely like something kinda hold up like it was mounted on my arm, but it’s like, think like the keyboard that I have, that you’ve seen in pictures, and then like imagine if synths were just embedded in that top portion.

Cassidy: Mmkay.

Lilith: I like it. Cool.

Amanda: The best part about this is that you’re not even, like, bringing a knife to a gun fight, you’re bringing a synth to a demon fight. So.

Syd: Well, I also have a bat.

Amanda: Oh, good. Alright.

Syd: Yeah. If I need to.

Amanda: Alright.

Robyn: I have a sword that I bought at the mall.

[Laughing]

Robyn: And I have a, I also have like a brown messenger bag, the contents of which I will not share with anybody.

Amanda: I mean, according to my character sheet I have a rapier and crossbow but I’m realizing that that is probably kind of goofy given my character, but we’ll roll with it for now. So we’re kinda armed to the teeth here, I guess we should go into the car shop.

Lilith: Okay! You walk in. You see just kind of a, it’s kind of a lobby sales area. There are people in really ugly polo shirts talking to customers and there is a, kind of a desk at the end of the room. Behind which you can see a couple people who are just kinda chatting. Behind the desk there is a door and to the right of the desk there is a set of double glass doors.

Amanda: I look at the, uh, my two new friends and I kind of talk out of the corner– Should we go up? Should we go talk to them?

Syd: I raise my eyebrows and shrug and say “Sure?”

Robyn: Yeah, um, I know how to talk to these guys.

Amanda: Oh, good. Thank god. Alright, you do it, please. For the love of god.

Robyn: Oh, so what are we trying to find out again?

Amanda: Anything?

Robyn: About the, the, was it a murder for sure or was it a disappearance?

Lilith: There was a mysterious death here.

Robyn: Okay. Here. Okay, cool. Yeah, I got this. I got this.

Amanda: Just make sure that you use good, uh, bedside manner, or whatever? I mean it might still be a sensitive topic.

Robyn: Oh yeah! Of course.

Lilith: Uhhh, hey, hey what’s up uh welcome to Jackie’s Customs. We can help you out, what are you lookin for? I saw you pulled up in a sick Winnebago.

Robyn: Oh, thanks. It’s a pretty sick Winnebago. I was just wondering, I heard someone died here?

Lilith: Uhhhh yeah uhhhhhhh and he’s just like

Robyn: Hey it’s chill, I’m a mechanic, too.

Lilith: Uhhh and the guy who he was talking to, who looks quite a bit older walks up and he’s “Uhh hey, do you need something? Did you want to purchase something?”

Robyn: Yeah, I’ve been looking for… um… Oh man, this, I just realized I don’t actually know about… My character knows about cars, so he says like a legit car thing.

[Laughing]

Robyn: He says like a real car thing

Cassidy: This is great, ’cause this is like the exact group of people who cannot even help you in this situation.

Amanda: We don’t know anything about cars.

Cassidy: It’s not like I can bail you out and be like, “Oh, you’re looking for” yeah, I dunno.

Robyn: He’s like, I need, uh, he’s like, Yeah well I’ve been shoppin around for, uh, some wires.” But like he knows what kind of wires he’s looking for

[laughing]

Cassidy: Cars have wires in them, right?

Robyn: Yeah, they totally do, I’ve seen them.

Lilith: Okay! Yeah man, we’ve got a little bit of wiring in the, uh, in our audio department. We’ve got some stuff going on.

Robyn: Oh yeah

Lilith: Uhh, we’re mostly kind of a superficial mods. We don’t get under the hood a whole lot. Kinda just the fun stuff.

Robyn: Oh! Yeah. Okay. I make a note in my mind that that is suspicious.

Cassidy: Body shops are suspicious?

Robyn: Yes.

Cassidy: Fair. Fair.

Amanda: Even in 2015’s economy spending money on your car is definitely suspicious.

Robyn: Seems like a front to me.

Amanda: i would say so.

Robyn: I might be wrong, but to Kevin it seems like a front.

Amanda: Alright.

Robyn: But, um, I follow him to look at the stereo equipment.

Lilith: Uhh, you follow him through those double glass doors into a room.

Robyn: Double glass doors.

Lilith: Yeah. Into a room that is lined with 200, if any of you are really fast at counting, speakers just kinda lining the room.

[Styleize by Stab Something fades in]

Sydney: I am really into it. I am, in my mind I am wondering how easily I could just plug my shit into whatever PA system and just..

Lilith: it actually kinda seems like a lost of them are set up to like different like recievers? And just every- like there’s people just kind of milling around.

Sydney: Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Lilith: Turning on and playing with the radios and switching everything around. It sounds like–it sounds like a horrible horrible nightmare Best Buy.

Sydney: Yeah.

Robyn: So like a normal Best Buy.

Lilith: Yeah

Amanda: Yeah, yeah.

Lilith: Yeah.

Robyn: Okay.

Lilith: There goes that sponsorship! Thank you Robyn.

Robyn: Aw! I’m sorry.

Lilith: Gah!

Robyn: Famous podcast sponsor, Best Buy. Can’t to a listen to an episode of Serial without a Best Buy ad.

[laughter]

Robyn: Um. Oh man, so.

Lilith: The clerk’s just like, so yeah we got wires, we got stereos.

Robyn: Yeah, yeah. So i’m like. I’m pretending to be interested in the uh, the steroes and pretending I’m shopping. And is this the same guy I talked to earlier, Im, I’m sorry for getting this confused. Is this the guy I brought the murder up to or is this his, um, superior?

Lilith: This is just, this is just the clerk.  The superior stayed, stayed back, but he seems to be keeping an eye on you through the glass doors.

Robyn: I can see how he would do that.

Amanda: Can I– Go ahead

Robyn: Oh, no. You go ahead. ‘Cause I have nothing.

Amanda: Can I roll an investigation check? To see if there’s anything suspicious about the way that he’s acting?

Lilith: Absolutely you can.

Amanda: Hey guys! It’s the first, it’s the first roll of the game!

Sydney: Woo! Bwaaaah!

Robyn: Woo.

Amanda: Let’s make it a good one!

Cassidy: Is this the role in role playing?

Sydney: I think so.

Lilith: Yes

Amanda: No, that’s actually, we’re going to bake some delicious brioche buns and that’s the rolls in our role playing.

Robyn: Oh, good.

Amanda: And it’s a, oh, oh, great. It’s a four. Um.

Cassidy: Seems legit.

Lilith: I mean–

Amanda: Nowhere to go but up.

Lilith: So, so he, uh, he seems like he’s on the level. Uh, just completely not suspicious whatsoever. Doesn’t seem like evasive about anything at all, or like nervous about some of the questions that Kevin was, was asking about.

Amanda: I– [laughter]

Cassidy: See this is where you get one of those classic pitfalls of D&D is that you know that you did a bad job, but your character doesn’t necessarily know that you did a bad job.

Amanda: Well I also think it’s hilarious that instead of just saying that I don’t notice anything about him that we went all the way circumspect and said that he’s just a great fucking dude. Which is technically also noticing something, so I guess four gets you a good way in this world. So I kinda nod at him through the glass, maybe a little awkwardly, give him a little wave ’cause he’s, he’s my new friend.  So uh that’s something. Alright, anyone else wanna try some shit?

Robyn: Umm. Can I..? Again, yeah, first time playing D&D. Is there some kind of role I can do for like charisma, like a conversation roll?

Lilith: Oh! Yeah, I mean you can maybe like, ummm. Just, like, I want you to kinda, y’know, improv through the conversation and like tell me–

Robyn: Yeah, improv through it

Lilith: Yeah, yeah.

Robyn: Cool cool. So I uhh. We’ve been talking about speakers for about 5 minutes, I feel like, y’know he’s pretty, he thinks I’m just a speakers-looking person at this point. And then I say, Yeah! So I heard some weird stuff, I heard some weird stuff’s been going on, do you know anything about that, dude?

Lilith: Can you–can you roll me a persuasion check.

Robyn: Yeah!

Lilith: So just roll d20, add your persuasion modifier?

Robyn: D20. Uh, that is a solid 9.

Lilith: Uhh, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, man, but uh yeah like one of my coworkers, couple weeks ago, umm like, something messed up happened to him back in the stock room. Umm, really shouldn’t, shouldn’t be talking about it but yeah, there was something going on.

Amanda: Alright. I walk up to him.

Lilith: Ohh, hey what’s up.

Amanda: Hi, look, I’m…. Um… I promise we won’t get you into any trouble here, completely confidential–

Lilith: Yall need some weed?

Amanda: Um… Listen I–. If, if, you–

Lilith: I’ve got weed!

Amanda: Petua just… Im… I’m sure that you do. And that is wonderful. But we can really only enjoy it after, after we understand what’s going on. There’s no way that we could possibly relax until we get this information so if you could please, I mean really. Trust me. We are as they say “on the level”. Completely.

Lilith: Okay, I want you to roll another persuasion check.

Amanda: Oh good, I was hoping you would ask me to do that ’cause I have proficiency. OHH! Alright, so that’s sixteen plus, so I add my modifier and my proficiency bonus, that’s sixteen plus five, that’s twenty-one.

Lilith: Alright! Okay, okay. Just, you gotta be super chill about this, and about the weed. Um, but like, this dude. It’s actually kinda funny, I was here on the… He got crushed by a shipment of truck nuts.

Amanda: Of…

Robyn: Oh.

Amanda: Wait, so you mean the screws that connect car parts together?

Lilith: No, you know like the little rubber, like, the things you hang off of the–we sell them, I could actually just uh… I could go grab a pair.

Cassidy: See, at this point I need to correct [Lilith] ’cause Truck Nut brand Truck Nutz are actually not rubber, they’re actually made of metal. I know this because I’m from Alberta. Just, like, I need to correct the inaccuracies in this universe.

Lilith: There are definitely rubber truck nuts, I…

Cassidy: Not truck nut brand truck nuts.

Lilith: Okay, well they have not, they haven’t paid for any product placement on the show so fuck ’em.

Sydney: Truck. It’s… It’s truck nadz.

Amanda: At this point Petua thinks that they’re screws so let’s move this along ’cause I wanna see what happens.

Lilith: Okay. Uh, so. So you really, okay. Uh. He, he like pops over–there’s a door that says employees only. He uh pushes it open, disappears for a few seconds and comes back with uhh, a, a… lovely, I’m sure, they’re definitely uneven the way all of them are, umm. But just a pair, a pair of rubber testicles for your truck. And he’s just kinda holdin’ em up.

Amanda: Petua kindof. Yes. I see.

Sydney: So, during most of the conversation Elektra’s just kindof like hovering over by audio equipment, kinda like lookin it over. She gets really aloof at times. Umm, she wanders back to the party just as this is occurring and then turns back around and goes back.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Great, great. Um. Those are definitely truck nuts. There was a whole box of them and it was on the–on site in the back room you say?

Lilith: It was on the shelf, he was trying to get it down. We were stockin’ the nuts, you know? And uhh, somethin’ just slipped and uh, yeah. He was. Eugh. It was pretty brutal, actually when the whole thing went down.

Amanda: Well I’m sure it is, but that doesn’t seem like something that you should be concealing. Wasn’t there an investigation after it happened?

Lilith: Well, yeah, like there was like, y’know, police and all that kindof stuff but uhh we’re really uhh my boss has said we’re not s’posed to talk about it. And, uh, the, the superior, the guy uhmmm, the guy in the other room. He, he’s kinda, he sees that uhm that his employee is holding a pair of nuts in his hand and he’s uhh. He opened up the, the, those double glass doors and he’s walkin’ over towards y’all.

Uhh, hey, hey! You, uh, you guys interested in buying uhh, buying some speakers, buying some, some.. um… novelty accessories?

Amanda: We were actually just marvelling at the novelty of this accessory. It really is something else, and this young man, uh.. What was your name again?

Lilith: Uhh, I’m uh, I’m Clark.

Amanda: Clark, of course, how could I forget? Clark was, uh, just really–if there’s a survey that we can fill out when we leave, his customer service. Absolutely fantastic. Really could not speak highly enough. I probably will buy a lot them.

Lilith: A lot of…

Robyn: He really. The truck nuts. He really sold us on these truck nuts.

Lilith: Okay, well fantastic. Uhm. Clark, you know to do the bulk order forms, right? And Clark says, Yeah, yeah man. I got it, I got it. I’ll take care of it, uhh thanks though. And the manager walks back to his station.

Robyn: I whisper–Do we have enough money for an entire bulk order of truck nuts?

Amanda: I mean, if–if–if, if a bulk order of truck nuts is a murder weapon it might be useful to have them.

Robyn: Okay? I yield to you on this.

Lilith: I just wanna be real clear we don’t have the nuts that he died from, we just–Oh my god, what? Do you want those nuts? I–uhh, I’m pretty sure–

Amanda: Yes.

Robyn: Was I whispering that loud?

Lilith: Uhh, they’re–

Amanda: I do want those nuts.

[laughter]

Lilith: Uhh, I think the police have that, yeah. ‘Cause it’s like, evidence? Of like, like a murder? Or, not a murder, a death?

Amanda: Yes. You said murder though, was that like a freudian slip? Like do you think that there was something suspicious?

Lilith: Well they were obviously investigating it, but uh no they never found anything. ‘Cept just a whole lotta nuts.

Amanda: Yes. I–Okay. I think that me and my associates should confer over there about the nuts. So if you’ll excuse us.

Robyn: We’re gonna figure out if we want that many nuts.

Lilith: Alright, sounds good. Uhm, I’ll, uh. Honestly? You know what? I don’t actually know how to do the bulk orders so I’m just gonna, uh, pull that system up on my computer and I’ll, uh, I’ll be right back. He, he wanders over back to his desk.

Sydney: [whispering] Why are we buying a bulk order of truck nuts?

Amanda: Well, if you had been over here helping with your speaker knowledge maybe we wouldn’t have to buy a bulk order of truck nuts.

Robyn: Well we haven’t bought them yet, we can just leave if we want to. I don’t know–

Sydney: Yeah, is there any other information we need ’cause we could totally just leave.

Robyn: I think we should just leave.

Amanda: Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. What about this, this. I mean, he said the box killed him, I guess that’s probably standard protocol. Do you think that we should poke around? I don’t know. I don’t even know what you two do can you smell whatever’s going on here? I’m not sure.

Sydney: Mmm.. Nn… No.

Robyn: Umm.. Maybe? I may be able– So I just realized, hey hey, first time D&D player here?

Lilith: Yeah.

Robyn: Just realized I, when I made my character sheet, I forgot to like assign, um, skills, and I just did that.

Lilith: Oh! That’s like super important ’cause you’re a rogue.

Robyn: Yeah! Yeah it’s super important. Uhm… Let’s see if we can’t, um… Go sneak through that other door we saw.

Lilith: Okay, so you’re gonna, you’re gonna try to go through the door that says employees only?

Robyn: Yeah!

[I’ll Handle It – combatplayer fades in]

Lilith: Alright! Then Robyn, I’m gonna need you to roll two checks for me, one stealth check to make sure you don’t get caught doing this, and one thieves tools check

Robyn: Okay. Are those both, uh, 20 sided?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah.

Robyn: Cool. Uhh, I got an 18 for the stealth check.

Lilith: Alright

Amanda: Oh shit!

Robyn: And a 14 for the Thieves Tools.

Lilith: Okay. Oh! So, you were not able to get through that door.

[Music cuts]

Robyn: Oh no!

Lilith: Yeah.

Robyn: Well, no one saw me do it, right?

Lilith: Yeah, no one saw you do it! So.

Robyn: So I just whistle, and I walk back to the group. Hey guys, I couldn’t get in. Sorry. I’m usually better at this stuff.

Sydney: What happened to the shipment that fell on him? I’m guessing the police took it?

Robyn: Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah, he said that the police took it. Well, we could always talk to the manager again and maybe find out, not necessarily maybe about the person who died? I mean it seems like this was an accidental death and usually if an accidental death happens it’s the person who was killed, they’re trying to disguise the fact that they wanted to be, y’know, wanted to get them killed. So maybe we should see who the person was that got killed. Find out maybe more about them.

Lilith: Real quick, just one other thing, there is a–there’s three doors going out from the room that you’re currently in. One of them says employees only, the other one is the uh double doors back to the uh the sales area, and another one is a door that just says customs on it.

Amanda: Alright, let’s just go through the other door, fuck this.

Sydney: Yeah I wanna check out that customs.

Amanda: Yeah let’s go through there.

Lilith: You go through the door, there’s a bunch of, y’know, salesmen, customers, just kinda sales people running around, umm but this room is just lined with like, fuckin neon lights and like spinning rims and just like all the cool shit that you can put on a car. Body kits.

Amanda: Cool shit.

Lilith: Paint

Sydney: Truck nuts

Lilith: I mean, they keep those in the back, but yeah.

Amanda: Alright

Cassidy: You don’t wanna keep a hot ticket item like that out where people can steal it easily.

Amanda: No

Robyn: It’s like in a video store where there’s a curtain and it says adults only.

Cassidy: No no no, I think it’s–I think it’s like a glass display case sort of affair. Like if you wanna see it you have to hand over your ID.

Amanda: Oh my god. Can I roll a perception check?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah roll a perception check for me.

Amanda: And that was an… 20.

Lilith: 20! The one thing you definitely notice, and you’re not sure if this is just like maybe like there’s maybe like a draft in the room or something like that, the spinning rims seem to be turning a lot more than say they normally would since they’re just mounted stationary on the wall.

Amanda: Alright… That’s weird enough that I would also like to make an arcana check.

Lilith: Okay! Yeah, go ahead.

Amanda: Alright! I’m going to check out all of that. Ooh, well that’s not quite as good, let’s see… Uhh, 14?

Lilith: You’re definitely feeling some energy from those rims. There’s–there’s something, there’s somethin’ weird going on there but you don’t know what.

Amanda: Alright. I kick Kevin in the shin and I say hey. You know about cars, are those supposed to be doing that?

Robyn: Iuuhhh, My guess would be that they got robot, it’s like a, it’s like a–what an animatronic they got ’em spinnin. But you said there’s magic?

Amanda: I mean, I’m definitely, I don’t really–magic is not my favorite word. I really think that there’s–there must be something um… otherworldly about them.

Sydney: I just wanna say that Elektra definitely came over to them when she saw Petua kick Kevin.

[laughter]

Robyn: I was, it turns out I’m very dumb and I zoned out. What–so, I just, I don’t know nothing ’bout magic cars. I know about regular cars.

Sydney: I could take a closer look

Amanda: yeah, Elektra, why don’t you check it out?

Sydney: Electronics and magic, that’s my thing! And then I crack my knuckles and I go check it out, uh… I’m gonna do an investigation or arcana–

Lilith: Uhh, roll me an arcana check.

Sydney: That is an 18.

Lilith: An 18? Uhmmm.

Sydney: Yeah

Lilith: Just ’cause you got a little bit closer you don’t necessarily notice anything umm, further but you can feel like almost feels like uhh uhh, some sort of aural heat coming off of these spinning rims.

Sydney: An aural heat?

Lilith: Yeah, like it’s, you just feel vibes emanating.

Cassidy: That’s like aural as in aura, not like oral as in sound.

Lilith: Yeah, they aren’t like blowing hot wind at you, um. That’s definitely the wrong image.

Sydney: Can I tell if there’s any kind of motor there?

Lilith: You definitely don’t hear any kind of motor, any kind of anything like that.

Sydney: Sss…. I’m definitely feeling somthing weird over here y’all. I’m not sure.

Lilith: As y’all start to kinda, you’re talking out loud about the rims you’re noticing that they’re kind of slowing down and that aura seems to be fading a little bit.

Amanda: Whatever it is I think it knows that we’re here.

Sydney: Can I feel a direct–can I feel like one side felt less quicker than the other, like it went left or it went right or something like that?

Lilith: Mmm, no, no it just kind of receded.

Sydney: Wait, it’s gone?

Lilith: It’s, it’s receding. It’s not entirely gone.

Sydney: I felt something, but it’s…. Cooler now? Not necessarily less warm but there was something.

Robyn: You think it can hear us talking about it?

Lilith: In this room there’s the door you just came through, there is another door marked employees only, and then there’s another door marked self defense.

Amanda: Oh, well fuck this. We should definitely go check that out.

Robyn: Self defense? What? Car places aren’t supposed to have self defense rooms. I know that much.

Sydney: Huh. Um… Shall we?

Robyn: Let’s do it.

Amanda: I think we shall. We go to the self defense room.

Lilith: Okay, and in the–The self defense room is a lot smaller than the customs room and the audio room, umm but you, you see umm, a number of–some of them are just like, y’know uh fancy car alarms, lo-jacks, things like that. Uhm, motion activated shotguns, uhm

Amanda: I forgot we were in texas.

Lilith: Spiked tires. There’s actually just a wall of guns. Uhm, all of which are secured down with locks. Uhm, there’s a cannon in the room and you don’t know why.

Robyn: Like a pirate cannon?

[laughter]

Sydney: Yeah.

Robyn: But like.. I’m picturing like a pirate, like a flat out cannon.

Lilith: Uhh, I was gonna go more civil war era, but yeah, you got the idea.

Robyn: Okay, okay. Cool.

Sydney: Sorry, the wall where the rims were, is that adjacent to this room?

Lilith: ah, no. That wall was actually facing towards the employees only room, it seems like that, the stock room.

Sydney: Yeah, I just kinda get my bearings and realize where we are in relation, and I say: This is interesting, but I think we should try to check out that stock room.

Amanda: Yeah. I think–

Robyn: I agree.

Amanda: Alright, um, can we just uh really quick talk about the fact that they needed to get a guy to show us truck nuts but there’s nobody in the room that is full of weapons.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah, you’re actually, there’s a number of customers in this room but you seem to be completely unsupervised by any personell who works here.

Robyn: Do we want to take anything? Or is that too risky.

Cassidy: I feel like stealing guns and then dying in a police shootout is gonna make this campaign really short. So.

Amanda: Yeah, I was about to say.

Sydney: But bad ass.

Amanda: Whatever. Yeah, alright. Let’s go, here’s the thing. I think that we should talk to the manager, unless you wanna try to break into the employees only–does anybody have a way to pick a lock?

Robyn: I, um, yeah I’m a rogue. But I failed that check earlier.

Amanda: Well here’s the thing; it’s a different door this time.

Robyn: That’s true.

Amanda: Alright, do your–Kevin, do your thing.

Robyn: Gonna do my thing.

Amanda: We’ll cover you

Robyn: Cool.

Lilith: Alright, roll me another thieves tool check on this door.

Robyn: Will do. Is, are there any modifiers that I apply?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. I think it’s a dexterity and I’d imagine as a rogue you should have, like, proficiency in thieves tools.

Robyn: Yeah. Like I said, I live my life on the seat of my pants, I saw a bunch of words and numbers, I got panicked and I treated it like an essay, or something that I had to write and I waited till the last day.

Lilith: That’s totally chill, I think everyone except for Syd actually got their character sheets in the last like, 24 hours, so that’s like.

Cassidy: I did mine yesterday.

Lilith: Cassidy, bullshit, I had to wake you up today to do yours.

Cassidy: Did I? I thought I did mine last night, no you’re right I did do it this morning. You’re right.

Robyn: Okay, okay. I figured it out. So I rolled a 19 then plus one so that’s–

Lilith: Okay! So the door, uh, pops open and it opens up and it’s actually. You actually opened up the one, the door that goes to the garages. You see like lifters for cars, lotta, just some dudes like walking around, working on stuff. They don’t really seem to pay you much mind. Um. ‘Cause you look like a mechanic.

Robyn: Yeah.

Lilith: Uh, But yeah. You’re just in a busy garage right now.

Robyn: Cool, cool. I don’t know nothin’ about this magic I’m lookin’ for. Uh huh. But I could do–should I invite people who know about magic in here?

Amanda: Who wants me to roll an arcana check? ‘Cause I really want to.

Lilith: Oh, go ahead. Roll that arcana check.

Robyn: I would love that.

Lilith: I assume you’ve, you’re kinda peering through the doorway.

Cassidy: And through the veils.

Amanda: Yeah, I’m acting super natural.  As if was born to hear, yeah. Ooh! Well, alright. Plus…. Hold on…. Oh wait, it’s actually plus 4 so 15.

Lilith: Fifteen? Okay, I’m just gonna tell you you did pass that check, but uh there’s… There’s… jack di–I mean, look, there’s Credence on the radio. And that’s like, you’re feeling a little bit of magic.

[Cross talk]

Lilith: But uh, other than that just completely devoid of magic.

Cassidy: Is there a bad moon rising though? What do I roll to find that out?

[Fortunate Son by Credence Clearwater Revival MIDI VERSION fades in]

Lilith: Well it’s like three in the afternoon, so, uh, no.

Cassidy: That was a really stupid joke that no one laughed at.

[laughter]

Robyn: I was genuinely curious, maybe there was a bad moon rising.

Amanda: Nice. Alright, I guess I look at Kevin and I say, “I think this might be normal for–Elektra, you said you thought it went in here?”

Sydney: I couldn’t be certain, it receded or moved away or something. But this is an–

Lilith: From what y’all can see like the garage seems to end before, like, where the sound room was. Yeah. Yeah there’s another door at the end of the garage that just, it says stock room on it.

Robyn: Let’s check out that stock room!

Amanda: I think so too.

Sydney: Let’s sneak into that stock room.

Lilith: Yeah I’m gonna need–I’m gonna need three stealth checks.

Sydney: Okay.

Amanda: Oh that’s not bad.

Sydney: That is a seven.

Amanda: It’s a fifteen.

Lilith: Okay.

Robyn: Uhh, a twenty.

Lilith: Okay, so uh. I–here’s the thing. I know most of y’all did perfectly well but Elektra sticks out like a sore thumb. And

[Music cuts out with static]

[laughter]

Robyn: That’s true. That’s very true.

Sydney: I walked into the wrong room. Whoopsie-doodle.

Lilith: Everyone’s just kinda looking, now at the three of you because y’know, Elektra kinda called over attention. Hey! Hey what are ya’ll, uh, what are y’all doing here? And, um, just then the, the manager from before, uh, walks right through that door that y’all just came through and he sees you three and, ah, he knew y’all were up to no good from the very moment he saw you. “Ahh, I think it’s time for you three to go. Uhm, I mean, you can, you can process a bulk order of truck nuts online, Jackiescustoms.com if you want to. But uh, I think your, uh, I think your visit to our store today has, uh, has come to an end. How ’bout that?”

Amanda: Well, I mean, here’s the thing. If you wanna put yourself out of business, uh, that’s fine. But if you go in there you’re gonna find something you don’t like and we were just trying to, y’know, clear it out for you because trust me, we’ve heard some shit–

Lilith: Uhh, the police have already cleared out any kind of questions about that, uhm.

Amanda: Oh! Not about–oh, about what? What do you mean? I wasn’t talking about whatever you’re talking about.

Sydney: Nice save.

Robyn: I have a very high–that was a great save–I have a very high deception skill.

Lilith: Okay!

Robyn: Uhh, if we want me to try to lie to this guy.

Lilith: I mean, here’s the thing. I’m gonna let you do that but you have to tell me what you’re telling to this guy.

Robyn: I ha–I know. Um…. Yeah, I know, I’m trying to think of the perfect lie for this. [laughs] Hey, hey dude. So here’s the thing. These are my friends, uh, they look, I know they dress weird, it’s whatever. Uhm. I’m, I’m from I’m from ke–I’m Kevin. I’m, I’m from Kevin’s garage?

Liith: Oh! Oh yeah kevin’s garage, I know kevin’s garage.

Robyn: Ke–Yeah, I’m from kevin’s garage. I’m not the Kevin. It’s just a coincidence. But i–

Lilith: No, yeah, I know Kevin, I know you’re not that Kevin. We’re good.

Robyn: Yeah, uhm. Someone, uhm, not you, I don’t think, I think it was someone beneath you but they called me in for backup, I heard you guys had some rats in the stockroom. And instead of calling an exterminator.

[laughter]

Amanda: Keep it in the family.

Robyn: They want to keep it in the family, my specialty is kinda, y’know, rat-stomping, so I’m just here to stomp the rats in the stock room.

Lilith: Okay, roll that deception check for me.

[laughter]

Robyn: Absolutely. Uhh, that’s, that’s a seventeen.

Lilith: Ohh my god. Yeah, okay, thank god you’re here. Uh, those rats are uh they, they’re getting into all of our, uhm, we got some, uh, some some uh… edible ball bearings? Uhh, what do you call, you put em on cakes?

Amanda: Pop rocks?

Robyn: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Uhm, they’re called, they have like a, it’s like a french name–

Lilith: Dragée, I believe it’s dragées. Anyway, we had a shipment of those because we thought we could put them into wheels and they would make them go faster, uhm, but they just got really sticky and uhh attracted some rats.

Robyn: I’ve tried that.

Lilith: So, um. You go ahead and stomp some rats. Rats. Uhm. What are your friends doing here?

[laughter]

Robyn: Ah, they’re so good at rat stomping.

Amanda: We are so good. At it.

Lilith: Alright!

Robyn: The best, yeah.

Sydney:I lure them out with a song.

Lilith: Thats really interesting.

Sydney: Like the pied piper.

Robyn: Y’know about the pied piper from the story?

Amanda: You don’t want PETA on your ass, basically is what we’re saying. So we will just, it will be very humane stomping. With songs involved.

Robyn: Yeah. All the exterminators in the, in the area they have to report to PETA and they always get mad, I don’t know the rule’s like that. But we don’t do that.

Lilith: Yeah, I mean. Look, ah. Ever since those, those crazy environmentalists took over the city council ahh, I this whole town’s gone to shit. I get it. Ahhm. You guys uhm, you guys go stomp some rats and and uh, and godspeed. Uhh, godspeed. And he walks away.

Amanda: Oh. Sheezus. So glad that the three of us versus door really went successfully after like an hour and a half.

Robyn: Fucking killed that door.

Lilith: Oh and he, he, he, he actually walks over and he unlocks that, uh, that door that says employees only. Uhm. You, you uh, just uh just let us know when you’re done with the rats.

Amanda: Oh we will.

Robyn: Will do.

Sydney: Thank you.

Robyn: So I get, uh, I’m gonna go in there. What I”m gonna do.

Sydney: Me too.

Lilith: Alright, you pop in the stock room and, uhhh, and you see just kinda shelves uhh, there’s like four lines of shelves ahh just with various boxes and uhh and all that kinda shit around. Uhm and you see there’s a, there’s a corner over in the other side of the room that ahh, just kinda seems to be taped off with some uh yellow caution tape.

Amanda: Well let’s check that shit out. Right? The caution tape?

Robyn: Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah, alright, let me roll an investigation check–

Lilith: Please do

Amanda: On that area.

[Dice roll sound]

Amanda: Haha! Ha. Ha. Five.

Sydney: Oh!

Lilith: Ahh, the tape is definitely yellow. And it says do not cross.

Amanda: I’m glad that I can read. Good to know. Adding that to my character sheet.

Sydney: I’m trying to, I’m tryna pick back up on any, uh, vibes.

Lilith: Any vibes, alright. Roll me an arcana check.

[Dice roll]

Sydney: That is fifteen.

Lilith: Okay! Uhm, you, you definitely uhm, there’s, there’s… something fucked up happened beyond that caution tape but the, the energy you felt before, it actually, it kind of feels like it’s, like it’s uhm… Like maybe it’s it’s underground at this point.

Sydney: Hmm.

Amanda: If only somebody had detect magic. Probably should’ve thought about that before we went into this… That’s OK.

Sydney: Can I… Try to like, pinpoint, follow it around the room and see if there’s a central point where it feels strongest.

Lilith: I mean, it’s definitely right above, right beyond the caution tape. Uhhm. It seems like it’s, it’s kind of around there.

Sydney: Uhm. I walk over to the caution tape

Lilith: And a rat skitters over your foot.

Sydney: Oh friend.

[laughter]

Sydney: I turn on my amp, greeted a slight buzz. It sounds like a, it’s like a main’s hum, yet it’s not, not plugged in to the wall. Uhm. Turn on my, my synths, which adds a little bit to the hum. Just, just in preparation for anything.

[Amp hum noise, slowly joined by a low rumbling synthesizer]

Lilith: Okay.

Sydney: And notify the others that um, I’m gettin’ some real bad vibes from here man.

Lilith: That kinda, that seems to be all you’re getting is vibes. Uhhhm. Nothing seems to be like comin’ out at you or anything like that.

Sydney: Sure.

Amanda: Uhm.

Sydney: Um. I could do an investigation check. Well. I’d like to investigate further

Lilith: Okay.

Sydney: The, the corner.

[Dice roll]

Sydney: A ten.

Lilith: Okay. You, you, the one, the one extra thing that you definitely see, uhm, is you see a, it looks like definitely somebody tried to wash it but there’s a dark red stain in the, uh, concrete on the ground and–there’s definitely like parts of it you can tell that the blood was pooling around, uhm… N-n-nuts. Like a lotta nuts.

Sydney: Looks like the nuts busted him.

[laughter]

Robyn: Oh god.

Amanda: How long were you sitting on that!?

[Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass fades in]

[Outro – Music Break

(untranscribed lyrics)

It’s the fury of the storm

It’s the endless falling rain

It’s the growing of the dark

It’s the thrive of decay

It’s the voice of woe

It’s the call of the moon

It’s the cold retribution

The dark rider known as death]

Lilith: Hello, Lucifer again with a few post show production notes. First of all, be sure to stop by our page on iTunes to subscribe to our podcast and leave us a review. Let us know how you feel about the show, that really helps us out. You can find more information on Ghostpuncher Corps at Ghostpuncher.net, where you can also find links to our social media accounts on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. You can also find Ghostpuncher the webcomic, written by [Lilith] with art by Ina K.D. Any music or sound effects used on this episode of Ghostpuncher Corps are used non-commercially and with attribution. They can be found linked in the description of this episode. Thank you so much to Skagos for Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass, the intro and outro of our show. Ghostpuncher Corps is forever an ad-free show made by independent and occasionally starving artists. So, if you would like to donate to your favorite supernatural investigators and their devilishly handsome boss head to patreon.com/ghostpuncher