Transcript – Episode 3

TRANSCRIPT - EPISODE 3
"Ah, Nuts" vol III

(Transcription by Micha Cavaseno, contact for transcription work here)

[Music Fades In:  Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass]

Lilith: Hello everyone my name is Lucifer. Welcome to this the third edition of Ghostpuncher Corps. This week the gang are closing in on the testicular spectre haunting Poulton, Texas. They have finally learned to start leaning on their new friend Mikey and his peculiar skills.

Cassidy: I only ever met one ghost. It was weird.

Amanda: Oh!

Robyn: Well oh, hey wait, that’s more… That’s a lot of ghosts, relatively.

Cassidy: I just, like, fixed… her. With my brain!… Can y’all not do that?

Amanda: That might be a ‘You’ thing.

Cassidy: Mikey just sort of starts rocking in place… Then he opens them and you notice his eyes are pitch fucking black…. Those balls there’s something wrong with them.

Lilith: That’s good, it really bothered me that they left him in the winnebago. It’s just… rude.

As they close in on their first mark as hunters under my employ, we’ll see how the gang do in closing the deal. Hopefully they don’t make too much noise. Wouldn’t want to attract any unwanted attention.

[Musical interlude]

Lilith: Alright y’all. When we last left off, you were outside Jackie’s Customs. You were… Mikey was behind the van. Mikey just watched as the glowing object that he saw under the street just scurried into the building and out of sight.

Cassidy: By object you mean the shapeshifting truck nuts.

Lilith: Yeah, the shapeshifting truck nuts-

Cassidy: The haunted shapeshifting truck nuts.

Lilith: The Haunted shapeshifting truck nuts, thank you for clarifying.

Cassidy: The killer haunted shapeshifting truck nuts.

Amanda: [Laughter]

Lilith: You don’t know that yet!

Amanda: I mean, probable cause, right?

Lilith: Probable ca-? Oh my god.

Cassidy: At very least, the truck nuts were a witness.

Syd: I think we spent too much time in that police department.

Lilith: God… Alright. So… so you see the haunted truck nuts go in. It’s about 11 o’clock so the custom shop is closed up for the evening. All the lights are off…

Cassidy: Oh uh, what time is it? Like, you say evening.

Lilith: Eleven.

Cassidy: Oh, so like night.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. Like super night.

Cassidy: Like full on, like it’s dark outside, ok.

Lilith: Yeah. It’s dark outside, it is closed.

Amanda: Well, I think that we should break in! Unless it’s not locked in which case, that wouldn’t be necessary.

Syd: I’d like to check for traps AKA Alarm systems.

Amanda: [building laughter]

Lilith: W-Wait. Hey, y’all are still in the car!

Syd: Ok

Amanda: Oh oh, alright, I’d like to- I’d like to retcon all that then.

[Assorted Laughter]

Robyn: Let’s get out of the car.

Amanda: I’d like to check for car alarms… OK, let’s get out of the car.

Lilith: OK, everyone’s out of the car. Good job.

Amanda: [stammering] So, about how far from the location are we?

Lilith: Hey, you’re right in front of the door. We’re moving this along. We did it.

Amanda: Great… Ah, fantastic.

Syd: [whoops]

Amanda: I guess we should probably make a perception check just to see if there are any obvious cameras, security alarms, that kind of shit, right?

Lilith: Go ahead.

Amanda: Yeah, that’s a… 7. [groans]

Lilith: Seven? You do not see any kind of cameras or anything like that.

Cassidy: I mean, do I have to roll perception to notice a sign for an alarm company in the window?

Syd: Well…

Lilith: I mean… I guess you don’t since you specifically asked about it? There is not a sign for an alarm company in the window. However, I’m really interested to hear why Mikey would be thinking about that.

Cassidy: I mean, that was kind of out of character. It was just…

Lilith: Yeah, yeah.

Amanda: Our helpful game wizard to the side, Mikey’s twin… alter-ego or something, fuck.

Lilith: [chuckles]

Cassidy: Sometimes Mikey gets divine psychic inspiration. The uh, the sasquatch hive mind.

Lilith: That… is…

Cassidy: In the form of me meta-gaming.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: Ok, well, fuckin’ cataclysmic extraplanar event that none of you can see cuts of Mikey’s immediate connection to the sasquatch hive-mind that helps him cheat so, Electra! Gimme a perception check.

Syd: Oh, perception check… I’ll just accept-

Lilith: Or whatever check you want to give me.

Syd: I mean, it doesn’t matter. I mean, I rolled the die… It’s perception at 16, investigation at 17.

Lilith: OK, fantastic. You’re investigating the shit out of all this stuff. You super don’t  see any cameras.

Syd: Ok.

Amanda: Alright.

Lilith: You guys, there aren’t cameras.

Amanda: Great, great. I feel like even if there were by the time that we get in here and start wrasslin’ with whatever this thing is, it won’t matter if there were cops also, so… Shall we break into this building?

Syd: Are we around the back, or do we come up to the front?

Lilith: I mean, I-


Syd: It’s probably best that we’re not facing the street.

Lilith: Actually, the front door, it kinda has like a weird… it’s one of those things where you come off into the driveway and the door is still facing away from the street? Uh, it’s actually not visible at all from the road.

Syd: [mutters] Ok.

Cassidy: So all the lights are off inside the body shop?

Lilith: Yeah, all the lights inside are off.

Cassidy: Does it look like anyone’s around?

Lilith: Does not.

Cassidy: Well what about outside, on the street?

Lilith: Outside on the street? People are driving by… It’s late at night so the roads are pretty clear.

Cassidy: I’ll just try the door, to see if it’s unlocked, y’know? Stranger things have happened.

Lilith: It is locked.

Cassidy: Ok.

Amanda: Alright.

Robyn: I’ll pick the door.

Lilith: Hell yeah, yeah, roll me a lock pick check.

Robyn: Ah… That’s a, oooh boy, that’s a 20 without a modifier.

Lilith: OK! You… Yeah, yeah it is. That lock, like… it is unmade. No, the door opens up and you see inside. It is the same sales floor area that you saw before. Very dimly lit, doesn’t seem to be anybody inside. And yeah, there are two doors; one of them behind the counter that you saw before? And the other one, the double glass doors leading to the sound room that you were in before.

Amanda: I think that it probably will gravitate towards that room where the murder happened? That was kind of the vibe that we- That was where we landed on that right? That room was definitely the most weird and probable for y’know, supernatural occurrences or whatever?

Robyn: Yeah.

Cassidy: I mean that does… that seems to reason.

Amanda: Alright. I mean I think that we should just head right there. Everybody, y’know, ready yourselves or whatever but that’s probably where we should go.

Syd: I turn on my gear.

Lilith: Hell yeah.

Cassidy: What’s the timeframe between us, like… we basically just ran right over from that woman’s house.

Lilith: Yep!

Cassidy: Oh, ok, so yeah there was no rest time or anything?

Lilith: No, no. Two doors; one of ‘em glass, one of them is just a regular door leading to the back. It does say “Employees Only”.

Amanda: That was the same “Employees Only” room that we tried to get into last time. Because I remember that there were two right? There was one inside the spinning rims room and then there’s the other one? But I’m pretty sure-

Lilith: There’s a lot of doors that say “Employees Only”. This one’s out on the sales floor, which is kind of separated away from any doors that you have tried or succeeded to get through.

Amanda: Gotcha. And, the other one, I remember now, so it was through… We were in the room with all the speakers and the “Employees Only” room in there was… where the truck nuts were.

Lilith: Yep… Yes.

Amanda: So, does everyone want to head through the glass doors, and into that room?

Cassidy: I mean Mikey’s just kinda waiting for someone else to take the lead. He’s not an investigator.

Amanda: Alright. Ok yeah… So I walk over to the glass doors and… push on them? Are they automatic?

Lilith: They’re push doors. They do have a ‘swoosh’ thing, but that’s been turned off.

Amanda: Mkay. I push on them.

Lilith: Ok. You open up those doors and you walk in the room. The room is again it’s very very dimly lit, just enough where you can safely find your way around. But you do see a button that says ‘Demo’ in the center of the room. It’s kind of on a pedestal.

Amanda: That wasn’t there the last time we were here, was it? 

Syd: [hesitantly] It’s just a… just a lone pedestal?… Alone in the middle of the room?

Lilith: Yeah it’s a lone pedestal. This place has a flair for the dramatic.

Syd: OK.


Cassidy: OK well Mikey is gonna push that button unless somebody stops him… Like I’m walking towards the button right now.

Amanda: I could’ve called that.

Robyn: I’m fine with this.

Syd: I don’t know if we should… press that. We should maybe-

Cassidy: K, well he’s at the button. He’s about to push it.

Syd: … Oh no.

Cassidy: I mean, unless somebody physically stops him. Or tells him not to.

Amanda: [in the background] I think this is gonna happen.

Lilith: Ok, Mikey has pressed the button. I’m just calling it.

Cassidy: There was enough time for somebody to say that.

[Music starts to fade in]


Lilith: You all it’s… it’s like a crushing wave of sound goes over all of you. You hear this horrible horrible racket penetrating your skull. And actually each of you hear kind of distinct… there’s a lot of different things playing like radio broadcasts, songs you never heard before… Kevin, you hear, what was that um… the band that you have a tattoo of their logo? What was that band?

Robyn: Oh uh, I don’t know, I made it up.

Lilith: Oh you made it up? Come up with a name.

Robyn: Come up with a name now? Ah shit, uh… ah… “Evil Circus”.

Lilith: “Evil Circus”, that’s… That’s perfect. And would you be able to come up with one of Evil Circus’ hit jams?

Syd: Oh my god…

Robyn: Uhm… “Dad Slayer”!

Lilith: “Dad Slayer”! Hell yeah, ok, so! You specifically hear in this horrible cacophony… Coldplay’s cover of “Dad Slayer” that they did for the Vampire Diaries soundtrack? It’s like your least favorite song in the entire world. Mikey? You hear Raffi played at half-speed, and it’s one of the most scary things that you’ve ever heard of. Electra, you hear a track from your Myspace page circa 2007, that you have tried to bury. And Petua, you hear both Norah Jones and Babylonian ritual chants that have never been recorded before? And I need you all to make Constitution saving throws.

Syd: The fuck…

Amanda: [rolling dice] Ah fuck, um… I critical failed.

Lilith: Alright. Let’s hear how everybody else did!

Syd: A 5…?

Cassidy: Oh, I got a 15.

 

Robyn: I got a 9.

 

Lilith: OK, everyone except for, ooh… That’ll be interesting. Except for Mikey, you now have Disadvantage on all skill checks you can make while you hear this horrible, horrible noise. Mikey? It’s loud and it’s weird and disturbing but you’re good.

Cassidy: I’m good.

Amanda: Do I get anything for critical failing?

 

Lilith: God I forg-… Yeah, yeah. I mean, what do I- Oh, you know what? That’s easy. You take 3 damage.

Amanda: THREE!? Okay…. Damn, sorry, that was melodramatic.

Lilith: [laughs]

Cassidy: I mean, I’m going to guess that you have like, 8 hit points total.

Amanda: Yeah, I’ve got 19 typically but…

Cassidy: Wait, nineteen?

Amanda: Wait no, that doesn’t sound right. No, 9, sorry. 

 

Cassidy: Nine, ok, I’m like “How do you have more health than I do?”

 

Amanda: There’s not supposed to be a one there, sorry. Yeah, great, lovely, 6 hit points going on here. Sorry about that. Electra, you were going to dive for this button.

Syd: I’m going to dive to press the button and hopefully stop this racket…. And this god awful Fruity Loops song that I made 10 years ago.

[Music stops before slowly fading back in]


Lilith: You kinda hear like… You hear everything just kind of start over.

Syd: Oh no…

 

Lilith: Everyone except for Kevin, you see a little cable running underneath… It kind of goes from the wall to underneath one of the housing sections for the speakers? And yeah, the sound is continuing. And it’s horrible.

Syd: I want to… destroy… I have a knife in my boot. So when I grab that cable? And take out my knife and just fucking, cut that fucker in half.

Lilith: You just cut the cable in half?

Syd: Yeah, just pull the cable and run the knife under it and just yank…. I’m just desperate to get rid of this…

Lilith: Hmm, ok!… Ok.

Amanda: That doesn’t seem like a good idea.

Syd: The knife is insulated, it’s fine.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah good thing that that knife’s insulated so… You see there’s like a spark and everything like that. And as you pull back on it, you see a little, black, like a box that this cable was connected to? And on it in big white letters is “SAFETY INHIBITOR” and now I’m going to need all of you to run another Constitution saving throw.

Amanda: Oh fuck.

Syd: What the… ?

Amanda: Oh, phew, 18.

Lilith: Eighteen.

Syd: 7.

Robyn: 11.

Cassidy: 10?

Lilith: OK. So…

[Music shifts to an abrasive breakcore track]

Lilith: Petua and Kevin… You guys together are alright. Everybody else just took 2 damage as you just kinda feel, it just digs deeper in your ears. It is just like, pulse pounding, like loud, loud, loud. And you see the speakers and they are just like, shaking.

Syd: Is like a… switch anywhere, a power… something… anywhere?

Lilith: You do see a switch on the Safety Inhibitor that reads “ON” that goes from off to on, it was in the off position.

Cassidy: I’m just gonna run to the closest speaker to me? And just straight up, put my fist through it.

Lilith: Actually just roll me a d10?… No modifier.

Cassidy: OK [rolls dice] No modifier? Then I got a 6.

Lilith: OK so you like… smash your hand through this speaker and you actually see 6 other ones kind of short out and they stop working and the audio is marginally less terrifying.

Amanda: I think that I should do something about this, so… I would like to cast a spell. I would like to attack the speakers as well, this time.

Lilith: Hell Yeah.

Amanda: I’m going to cast “Eldritch Blast”, it is a cantrip, can I do that?… Alright, great

Lilith: Yeah!… Cool, roll me a d10.

Amanda: [Rolls Die] Oh nice… It is. An evocation cantrip…. It’s an 8.

Cassidy: Is that a cantrip for you?… Wow.

Lilith: It is… It’s an eight? Perfect. 8 speakers just fucking explode, it’s getting quieter.

Amanda: Oh, well I also think that… Can I put a little bit of spice on this since it’s the first time my character has cast a spell?

Lilith: Yes.

Amanda: OK…. So Petua is still being assailed by this wave of sound, right? And I think that she closes her eyes and focuses on how disgusting it is to hear Norah Jones and these Babylonian chants and this ridiculous pop music altogether… And her eyes just kind of roll over, and she closes them and listens for a second and then summons this… very, very intense wave of eldritch energy.

Lilith: Hell Yes. Hell. Yes. 8 speakers, ka-blam. They are no longer doing it. Anybody else wanna take a swing?

Syd: I’ve got my bat out and I’m just fucking…. Going wild.

Lilith: Swingin’? Alright. Yeah. Just roll me a Damage roll for that.

Syd: [Rolls dice] 4.

Lilith: Four? Alright. Four more speakers explode and you actually start to see a few other ones are just kind of shorting out. And let’s just say, hey, Kevin, do you want to take a swing?

Robyn: Yeah… Actually I was gonna ask about electricity concerns? Because I got a metal sword-

Lilith: That is true.

Robyn: But I don’t think Kevin would… I don’t think he would be smart enough to wonder that, so I’m not gonna…

Amanda: [laughs] Also if you bought it at the mall, it’s…Yeah.

Cassidy: I feel like Kevin would just get caught up in smashing.

Robyn: Yeah, he’s just gotta smash… What am I rolling again?

Lilith: Hell Yeah. Uh… You’re just rolling the Damage roll for your sword which, I think I have that written down there as a one d6 +4 or something? I don’t…

Robyn: That’s a 3.

Lilith: Three? Ok, cool. So, three more speakers explode. You feel just a slight jolt of electricity, it doesn’t do any damage, but you definitely… It just makes your arm feel all weird? So just write that down on your character sheet, arm feels all weird.

Robyn: Ok.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: And the speakers, they all just like in a giant crackle of static and sparks they all just stop. And the room is once again quiet.

Syd: I’m still smashing.

Lilith: [bursts into laughter]

Syd: I’m just very upset.

Amanda: [In a concerned tone] Uh, Electra, Electra? I think y-… You probably don’t have to do that anymore. I think you did it…

Syd: Yeah… Still feels good…. We should probably get into the garage. Whatever.

Amanda: I know… Uh, the room, right?

Syd: Yeah.

Lilith: So… There are three doors going from this room there is, or actually I should say there are four. There is the set of glass doors you came through, there is one to your left marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY”, one in front of you also marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY”. That’s the one that you’ve put together is the stock room. And then one to your right that says “CUSTOMS” which, you’ve went through before.

Syd: Did anyone else hear… particularly strange things?

Amanda: I mean, from the music? It wasn’t great, I’ll give it that but…

Syd: Anything out of the ordinary.

Amanda: I definitely heard something that was so ancient that even I haven’t heard it so, I’m not really sure what that was up with, but it was-

Cassidy: It was like a song that you used to know… ? But like you’re hearing it in a dream. But it doesn’t sound right.

Amanda: Right, like you can’t put the song to what the song is, almost.

Syd: Right.

Robyn: [affects twang] I knew what I was hearing. It was from that Vampire Diaries movie, I hated it.

[Assorted stifled laughter]

Amanda: Is that a new accent, Kevin?

Robyn: Hm?

Lilith: I love it! I love it.

Amanda: Did you, did Kevin get electrocuted so hard that now he sounds like–

Robyn: [twang maintains] I… This has been my voice this whole time!

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: Right, no, of course! It must have been me, we were hearing so much awful shit that we just don’t remember what anything sounds like anymore. Great.

Syd: … Is the door… open?

Lilith: It is still locked, but I will let Kevin take another crack at a lock-picking check.

Robyn: A 20.

Lilith: Hell yeah. OK. That door just pops right open.

Syd: [whispered] Yes.

Amanda: OK. I think that I would like to make an Investigation check…? Into like, the room specifically. I want to kind of look into the room, I think I have Dark Vision but I want to look into the room and check out that spot. If I can see it from the threshold of the door without going in yet. Like kind of peer over there…

Lilith: Ok, Ok. Yeah go ahead.

Amanda: [Rolls Dice] Nice… Hmm, Perception… 14?

Lilith: Fourteen?

Amanda: No wait, with Investigation is… is 15, sorry.

Lilith: Fifteen, perfect. You see just sort of a dimly-lit room. You’re kind of starting to feel those same kind of vibes you were feeling before. But it’s just kind of a dark stock room.

Cassidy: How about how big is it?

Lilith: It’s… I would say maybe 300 feet wide? 100 feet back?

Cassidy: Ok.

Amanda: I turn to, I guess to Mikey… Do you feel anything in this room? Oh wait, is Mikey’s Detect Magic still going? Probably not, right?

Cassidy: No, it’s long expired.

Lilith: Yeah.

Amanda: Damn, ok…

Cassidy: It only lasts 10 minutes.

Amanda: I mean, it’s still polite to ask. Mikey, what do you think?

Cassidy: What do I think about what?

Amanda: Should we go in, do you feel anything? I-I’m getting some serious vibes from that corner of the room where the blood was?

Cassidy: Oh, I dunno, it looks spooky though.

Amanda: Yeah… I mean, I think that we should go in. What do you guys think?

Syd: Absolutely… I’m ready.

Amanda: Alright…. Okay, I guess we’re all as ready as we’ll ever be. I walk into the room.

Cassidy: Oh wait, is it dark?

Lilith: It’s very dark, yes.

Cassidy: Like… Ok, I’ll cast Produce Flame. You all look away for a second and before you know it Mikey’s hand’s on fire.

 

Amanda: [laughter]

Syd: [concerned murmuring]

Cassidy: He doesn’t look very perturbed by it.

Amanda: Uh… does that happen often?

Cassidy: … Does what happen? Oh, this! Nono, this is just something I can do. Don’t worry about it, I just figured so we could see better.

Syd: … Can we see better?

Lilith: Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

Syd: OK.

Lilith: What do you see, what do you feel, all of these very important questions… The first thing that you see, reflected with the fire in their eyes, you see just rats. Rats eyes lining the shelves, and they are watching you.

Syd: Just some friends.

Amanda: Can anyone, and this is not something that I would normally ask on a regular day, but this is not a regular day… Can anyone talk to animals?

Cassidy: I’m gonna just assume that everyone turns and looks at Mikey?

Robyn: Yeah.

Amanda: [Chuckling] I think so.

Lilith: [Laughing]

Syd: Yeah, that’s a pretty good assumption.

Cassidy: What’re you guys looking at me for?

Robyn: Can you talk to animals?

Cassidy: No! Of course not. Animals can’t talk!

Amanda: Well, you can set your hand on fire, so y’know, we thought we would just check. Um, alright, I-

Cassidy: I guess I see the logic in that.

Amanda: I address the rats in… the common tongue, I suppose.

Lilith: [cackles]

Amanda: WHAT!?

Syd: The rats?

Lilith: I mean, in English, yeah… Yeah, yeah that’s fine.

Amanda: I dunno, I was looking at the list of languages that I speak and… I-, Okay, Okay. Alright-

Robyn: Galactic basic.

Amanda: Well, I don’t know if there’s like some Dr. Who shit going on where we can just speak whatever the language everybody else is speaking here. Like if we were in France we’d just be chillin’ too, but like alright. I am going to address the rats. In English.

Lilith: Ok. [snorts]

Amanda: [Bursting into laughter] I forgot what I was going to say, ok, great. Now that we know what language I’m speaking… What do you want?

Lilith: They just, they kind of skitter around.

Amanda: Fucking of course they do.

Robyn: Ah, the ‘normal’ rats.

Amanda: They skitter around? They were sitting still a little bit, before.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah, one of them kind of just goes over to a thing of cheese and … There’s cheese!

Amanda: [snickers]

Syd: Wait.

Cassidy: There’s just some cheese lying on the floor?… No wonder they have rats. Jesus!

Amanda: Rats love cheese.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah! There’s car cheese and the dragees so these rats are eating like- You notice, they’re a little bit bigger!

Cassidy: Oh, I forgot about dragees.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. They’re a little bit bigger than your average rat.

[various murmurs]

Cassidy: Well, a diet of dragees will do that.

Amanda: Would you go so far as to say that they’re rodents of an unusual size.

Lilith: [Laughter] I- I wouldn’t, but I would say-

Syd: I get that reference

Lilith: Let’s all stop beating around the bush, they lunge at you and let’s roll for Initiative…! Yaaaay.

Amanda: Oh god. Jesus. Thank you. [Groans and Rolls Dice] I got 14.

Syd: I got a 20. Ok.

Cassidy: I got a 12 for my Initiative.

Amanda: Yeah I got fourteen.

Lilith: Electra was a twenty…

Syd: Yep… “Natty Twen”

Lilith: I like your… Are we gonna be starting some new tabletop lexicon like, are we coming up with some words? Hell Yeah.

Syd: Yeah, that’s… That’s my original. Y’all can use it.

Amanda: Get some knuckle tats that say “Natty Twen” on ‘em… It’s gonna go down real well.

Lilith: [Laughs] Uh, Robyn, did you get an Initiative roll?

Robyn: Oh, yeah, 12.

Lilith: Twelve, cool, alright. So there are three rats, and they’re all kind of poised on the shelves.

Cassidy: Like regular sized rats?

Lilith: Yeah, I mean they’re a little bit bigger.

Cassidy: But it’s not unusual.

Lilith: I mean, it’s slightly unusual.

Amanda: They’re showing a level of tactical organization that is unusual for rats, I’m assuming, yeah…? Gotcha

Lilith: Yeah yeah, I mean, they’re coming for you but Electra you’re going first.

Syd: Where, which shelf?

Lilith: It’s like, eye-level?

Syd: Ok. I’m just gonna swing at ‘em. I still have my bat after that last incident.

Lilith: Holy Shit, yes, absolutely. Swing at ‘em, roll to hit.

Syd: Just take a wack at ‘em, with the ol’ trusty Wendy.

Amanda: Oh god.

Syd: So that’s a… Is Electra a lefty? Probably. Sure. Why not?

Amanda: Aren’t we all lefties out here, really, deep down?

Syd: Yeah. Left Path, etc.

Lilith: Yeah.

Syd: Just swing from the left, so I guess the left rat’s gonna get it.

Lilith: Ok.

Syd: [Dice Roll] That’s a 23.

Lilith: That’s a-… Jesus, yeah, that hits. Uhm, yeah, roll for damage.

Syd: [Dice Roll] That’s a 6.

Lilith: That’s a six? Ok. You just like… that was, oh my god. That was Babe Ruth in the final inning. Like, you just launched that fucking rat. And it is G-O-N-E gone! Petua… [restraining giggling]

Amanda: Well I’m so glad that my thing won’t seem like overkill now. I cast Chill Touch [Laughter].

Lilith: [Laughing] Oh god, you cast Chill T- Okay. Is that a Saving Throw?

Amanda: It’s a Cantrip. No, I think-

Lilith: Yeah.

Syd: Oh, Chill Touch? That’s a good one.

Amanda: Yeah Chill Touch it’s a… It’s a good ‘un. Uh, I don’t think so, I just have to see if it’s a hit or not. So I’m going to see if it’s a hit!

Lilith: Ok.

Amanda: [Rolls Dice] And that is a… It’s a 16!

Lilith: Sixteen? That is a hit.

Amanda: Well, uh, a hit. Target takes 1d Necrotic damage and uh, can’t regen any hit points starting the next turn and- There’s an undead hand clinging to this rat, is what I’m saying.

Lilith: Well you that, I’m glad you did that. Because these rats are renowned for their healing arts. So that was gonna be a real problem!

Amanda: [Rolls Dice] I meaaaan uh… I do 4 damage.

Lilith: OK. That rat just kinda keels over. Like you overfed it, just… and it… There’s One Rat Left. Kevin! It’s your turn.

Robyn: I-I just, I hit it with my sword!

Lilith: Ok! Roll me an Attack Roll.

Robyn: OK cool that’s a 14?

Lilith: Fourteen? Awesome. That hits, and now you roll that d6.

Robyn: Now the d6. And that is 6 damage!

Lilith: Six damage, ok, that rat, that rat has been cleft in twain. Um, yeah, yeah. It’s gross, honestly! And so yeah, now y’all have three dead rats. [Breaks into the Final Fantasy battle victory theme]

Amanda: And where are the Other rats doing?

Lilith: No that was, there were three rats.

Amanda: Wait, you said that there were LOTS of rats, in there.

Lilith: I mean three is a lot of rats!

Amanda: That’s a very normal amount of rats! I thought, I was expecting, I was thinking like we just entered the Bat Cave and they’re just like LINING THE WALLS. The Rats. Really!

Cassidy: Yeah I was like-…

Lilith: [Laughs] I’ve seen Three Rats in my whole life, three rats is a lot!

Amanda: [Laughs] This is a fantasy role-playing game!

Cassidy: I think I’ve got three rats in my bedroom, right now.

Amanda: Yeah, same!

Lilith: Ok, fine! I-

Robyn: I imagined like…

Lilith: Yeah yeah, y’all like fighting rats so fucking much!

Amanda: Oh my god…

Lilith: You’ve got more rats! Mikey, it’s your turn there’s 3 more rats.

Cassidy: Whose turn is it?

Lilith: It’s Mikey’s turn.

Cassidy: Oh ok, where are, what are the rats doing?

Lilith: They just climbed up on that same shelf and they’re just sitting there looking menacingly. ‘Cause you just killed three of their brethren.

Cassidy: Ok. [Rolls Dice] So they’re just sitting there then?

Lilith: I mean, yeah, ‘cause it’s not their turn yet.

[Assorted Snickering]

Cassidy: Oh, OK. Well I just like, I don’t know, Three Rats is like, not a combat encounter… I dunno I guess I’ll attack one of the rats. I mean, I don’t have a weapon or anything so I’m just gonna… swing at it?

Lilith: Like, punch a rat.

Amanda: [chortling] Punch a rat.

Cassidy: I mean, I don’t even think Mikey would necessarily strike with like, closed fist? I’m sort of just imagining like a… Like a spastic kind of palm strike?

Amanda: S-So what you’re saying is, we should change the name of this podcast to “Rat Slapper”.

Lilith: Yeah! Yeah.

Cassidy: I mean, I’m not saying that but… I’m saying that’s definitely more what Mikey’s doing than like-

Robyn: My tattoo is actually for a band called Rat Slapper.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: That’s, I-… I want the magic element of Kevin’s tattoo to be that this band keeps changing their name, and it just keeps changing with it.

Amanda: Oh God! That’s very good.

Robyn: Definitely… Every time he thinks of a cool phrase it changes.

[More Laughter]

Syd: It’s honestly a pretty sick power.

Amanda: I know…

Lilith: Yeah, right? So, Cassidy, what’s the Attack Roll for-

Cassidy: I got a 15 on my Attack Roll.

Lilith: OK, you slap the shit out of that rat. What is the damage on an unarmed strike? I think it’s just a d4?

Cassidy: I got… Well, plus my strength modifier?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah!

Cassidy: Uh, then I got 6 damage.

Lilith: Six damage, OK. Mikey, the rat just like… Kinda goes, flying. I dunno, what, was Mikey going for more of a ‘squash’ or more of an ‘away’?

Cassidy: Nonono it’s more of just like a swat. Like it just, y’know, sent it sailing straight across the room.

Lilith: OK.

Cassidy: It’s probably even fine, realistically? It just probably doesn’t want to play anymore.

Lilith: There’s two rats left and it is now their turn. One of them bites Mikey on the hand and… Oh! It just rolled a 20. This rat’s really good at biting. It just did 3 damage to Mikey.
Cassidy: Damn.

Lilith: Yeah! I mean it did roll a Crit so like… Good job, rat. And the other one like, jumps at Kevin? Tries to bite him, and it misses! Yeah, it just kinda, faceplants on the ground. But then it kinda skitters back up to its feet and runs away. We’re back to the top of the order, Electra there is one rat that ran away and there is one rat that just bit Mikey on the hand.

Syd: Is that rat attached to Mikey’s hand?

Lilith: No, the rat did not try to latch on.

Syd: Then I will swing… yeah, then I will swing at that rat. [Rolls Dice] 23.

Lilith: OK, the rat’s dead like-

Amanda: [Laughter]

Syd: That’s awful man.

Lilith: [Laughs] OK, all of the rats are dead. We’re past the rats. You solved my rat puzzle, congratulations.

Amanda: Oh my god…

Syd: We should investigate that corner, again… I’d rather not this time.

Lilith: So… Ok. Yeah you look back at that corner, the caution tape is still up. And you look at it and actually getting the same, like… Before the vibes, I know I keep using that word, but the vibes were concentrated over there, but they don’t really seem to be over there right now.

Syd: Where are they then?

Lilith: Well, you’ll have to find out, won’t you?

[Dice Rolls]

Amanda: Mikey- Oh, sorry… Electra, you were rolling an Arcana Check or something? Investigation?

Syd: I was making an assumption of what I have to roll…. So

Amanda: Oh.

Lilith: I mean, you can roll an Arcana Check here, yeah.

Syd: So that was a 13.

Lilith: Thirteen? You feel…. It’s nothing directional, but you do feel a prickle on the back of your neck

Syd: There’s definitely something still here. It’s just not, quite… there. Where it was before.

Amanda: I, okay. Mikey?

Cassidy: Yep?

Amanda: I think that you should look again. I think this will go faster if we have you looking for whatever is out there. Do you think-

Cassidy: Oh I don’t think I can do that again. No.

Amanda: You don’t think you can do that again?

Cassidy: No, I’m way too tired. I can only do that like, y’know, maybe a couple times a day.

Amanda: No, alright. Hm. Well-

Cassidy: And after healing Electra too like I just… don’t got it in me.

Amanda: No, no, that’s ok, I understand. Alright. I guess, should we…. Does anybody else have anything that would help us search for whatever this thing is? Or should we just go back out and look around?

[Faint Feedback starts, soon developing into Creedence Clearwater Revival played from another room]


Lilith: You hear the crackle of a radio turning on. And you hear from well behind you, it looks like it’s coming from the area where the garage is, you hear the fabled words of John Fogerty ringing out. He seems to hear that a bad moon is rising.

Amanda: God….

Lilith: Yeah.

Syd: Oh boy.

Amanda: Well, I guess, going towards that. Anybody else want to do anything else besides go towards that… music?

Syd: Trouble’s on the way….

Robyn: [With a nervous chuckle] Seems hard to do anything else, in this situation. I’m pretty curious.

Amanda: Alright. I think that we all run out, I mean, I dunno, I’m speaking for myself. I think I run out towards the garage, does anybody else want to come with me?

Cassidy: Mikey advances tentatively, staying behind at least one or two other people.

Amanda: Alright, yeah, no, I’m just gonna go into the shit, I guess. I’m probably in the front of the group.

Lilith: Ok, Ok. So you walk in, you burst into this fucking room and… You just see the radio, it’s an empty garage. Both the garage doors are closed… And yeah, you are… Whatever fucking vibe, you were feeling? It’s just like going absolutely like, you feel-

Syd: Bonkers.

Lilith: Yeah, it’s going bonkers, exactly. But you don’t see anything! Other than this radio.

Amanda: Alright.

Syd: That’s what I say, Electra just says ‘Bonkers’ as I enter the room.

Amanda: Um, hear me out… if they can hear me over. This is the radio, hopefully. I turn to the other three, I say: I think, I’m not sure if the rats were involved in this, but I think the radios were. And I think every time that we destroy something that has this in it, it moves. So… Maybe we should proceed with caution and not smash it immediately if we can avoid doing that, yeah?

Syd: Sounds like a plan.

Cassidy: Ok!

Amanda: Right.

Robyn: Fair enough.

Amanda: I guess, can I roll an Arcana Check?

Lilith: Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Amanda: And that’s a… ooh! 17.

[Radio Music Cuts Softly After Roll]

Lilith: Seventeen? Ok… Yeah you feel… There’s something underneath you, you feel some deep like, Necromantic shit going on… It seems like it’s coming from underneath one of the lifters?

Amanda: Alright… I look around. I think it’s coming from underneath one of the lifters!

Lilith: [Laughs]

Robyn: I’m assuming Kevin knows how a lifter works.

Lilith: Yes, absolutely he does. There’s a lever that makes it go up, and makes it go down.

Syd: Nice.

Robyn: Let’s make it go up.

 

[Dark Ambient Music slowly enters the mix]

Lilith: Ok, ok. You make it go up and this lever, this lifter, you see it kinda looks like in a cartoon, the way that cheese sticks to the roof of a pizza box? You know what I’m talking about?

Amanda: Wait, in what cartoon does cheese stick to the lid of a pizza box?

Robyn: It was in A Goofy Movie, right?

Lilith: Yeah, it probably- Yeah! Yeahyeahyeah

Cassidy: Didn’t Ninja Turtles have that effect?… You’re just talking about like, really gooey cartoon pizza.

Amanda: Ohhh Ok.

[Music Builds into Tense Metal]

Lilith: Yeah, really really gooey cartoon pizza, but it got stuck to the top? And it’s just like, you just see… that, but a lot pinker than cheese. You just see a kinda goop rising up, and suddenly you just see like, it almost looks like an arm reaching out from the goop and it lunges at Kevin. It tries to hit him in the face and is not successful. But now we’re rolling Initiative again!

Syd: What. The Fuck.

Lilith: Electra you’re at the top of the order. What’re you gonna do?

Syd: Oof. This is the big moment. Gonna bust out Dissonant Whisper.

Lilith: Hell Yeah.

Syd: Yeah there is no Attack Roll. It’s just a Wisdom Save.

Lilith: Oh it’s just a Wisdom Save? Ok, ok.

Syd: Yeah.

Lilith: Uh… OK so then it does not successfully save.

[Sound Effects]

Lilith: Hell yeah, what do these beautiful tones do?

Syd: Target must make a Wisdom Saving throw, on a failed save it takes 3 d6 Psychic Damage and must immediately use his reaction… if available.

Lilith: Fuck Off! Damn Ok… !

Syd: … use his reaction, if available, to move as far away it’s Speed allows, away from you.

Amanda: Goddamn.

Syd: It doesn’t move to obviously dangerous ground. Uhm, yeah.

Lilith: OK, Ok. R-Roll that… [Dice Rolls] Wait, you have a level one Bard Spell that does like 3 d6 damage?

Robyn: Ouch.

Amanda: Yeah, shit.

Syd: Yeah Dissonant Whispers is dope. [Dice Rolls] So that’s a 6… 8… 9. That’s about 9 Damage. So not a whole lot but, it has to fuckin’ flee.

Lilith: OK…. Yeah, yeah, it super does have-… So it kinda recoils away from you. It takes all that damage and then it just kinda like slides beneath the lifter and just kind of, you just kind of see it flow across the ground away from you? And it’s about 30 feet away… Kinda coiled up in a corner. And it is Petua’s turn!

Amanda: Alright, I think that I’m going to cast Eldritch Blast again.

Lilith: Hell Yeah.

Amanda: Love it! Alright, I… [Rolls Dice] Oh! That um… plus 5, so 16!

Lilith: Sixteen hits!

Amanda: Alright, I roll that one d10 force damage [Rolls Dice] Oh! Nice, 7.

Lilith: Seven, ok… Alright, another just, chunk is taken off of this blob which, you actually see it’s starting to kind of reform itself? It looks like sort of… just an incomplete pastiche of a human, like someone tried to put together… A very unskilled sculptor made this little pile of flesh. And Kevin! It is your turn.

Robyn: K, I’m scared of running up to it? And I don’t have any spells or nothin’. I think in this situation Kevin’s gonna just guard himself… Is that a thing I can do?

Lilith: OK!… Yeah.

Amanda: You don’t wanna attack it?

Robyn: I only have a sword! I don’t know, I’m scared if I…

Amanda: You should try and cult it in half!

Robyn: Just try to cut it in half? OK. Screw it, let’s cut it in half.

Amanda: Yeah!

Lilith: OK! You run up to it and you try to cut it in half. Roll that d20 to attack.

Robyn: That’s an 11.

Lilith: Eleven? That just hits. And so you roll the damage die.

Robyn: And that’s 1 Damage.

Lilith: One Damage. Ok. You just, like, take a little sliver off. Just about enough to make a Starburst.

Robyn: Alright…

Amanda: Tasty…

Lilith: And now it is Mikey’s turn.

Cassidy: So it’s just like… basically pressed up against a wall in fear?

Lilith: Mm-Hm!

Cassidy: OK, I do nothing then.

Lilith: Oh! Alright. Um…

Syd: So it’s just a blob with arms?

Lilith: Yeah.

Cassidy: I mean it’s not obviously trying to attack us anymore. If, even if, it was necessarily trying to attack us to begin with.

Lilith: Ok!

Syd: Hmm.

Amanda: It definitely tried to hit Kevin, but yes.

Robyn: It tried to, tried to, yeah.

Lilith: And it tries to do that one more time. It is successful, uh Robyn, what’s your character’s A.C.?

Robyn: 13.

Lilith: Thirteen, ok yeah, it is successful and it does… uh 4 Damage.

Robyn: Oh.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. It just like, smacks like a weird… It definitely feels kind of rubbery as it touches you. But just like an uppercut into Kevin’s chin. And we are back to the top of the order. Electra!

Syd: Ok. I’m using Vicious Mockery.

Lilith: OK.

Syd: There’s no music, it’s just the power imbued within me…. Since it is a Cantra, so….

Lilith: OK. I am feeling that power. I do, since it is Vicious Mockery, I do want you to specifically say what it is you mock.

[Music Fades Softly]

Syd: Yes, right… You’re an abomination, and not even in a cool way!

Lilith: You see just like, an exaggerated cartoon frown just stretch across its face. And that does damage right?

[Assorted giggling]

Syd: Yeah if… if it fails, a Wisdom Saving Throw.

Lilith: OK… Actually looks like, what’s the D.C. on that?

Syd: Oh right… 12?

Lilith: Twelve? Ok. It does pass that.

Amanda: So you’re just very mean to it?

Syd: Yes.

[Music slowly fades back in]


Lilith: So the frown turns upside down. Again it just kinda weirdly, like…. Like somebody’s pushing it around with their fingers? It’s just like-

Syd: Wow.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. It’s truly upsetting. Petua, it’s your turn.

Amanda: Alright, before I do anything else, I want to address it in the Demon Tongue. And I ask it-

Lilith: OK!

Amanda: Yeah. I ask it, “What are you, who sent you here?”…. Does it respond?

Lilith: Um, you just kinda hear… *growling noises*

Amanda: [Laughs]

Lilith: Which is not in Demon Tongue, by the way!

Amanda: No, but it definitely responded to me. Hmmmm. And I don’t understand the language, obviously.

Lilith: Yeah.

Amanda: I’m just going to yell at it one more time, though…. “Can you understand us?!?”

Lilith: They just, it just, you just kinda see… That hand that clocked Kevin in the jaw? You just kinda see it extend forth? In kind of a, it’s sort of like a Stretch Armstrong thing, where it’s kind of stretching across the room? And then you see, you don’t see ‘fingers’, you see one finger and it’s in the middle. And it just kind of raises up. Right in your face.

Amanda: Alright, if you’re gonna be like that. Great, great, Uh, hey! Other question! Really quick, can I assume this is the same entity that did damage to me through the speakers earlier? Or is that not the thing.

Lilith: I-it, yeah it is.

Amanda: Alright! In that case, I’m going to cast Hellish Rebuke.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Syd: Oooh shit. Nice. Hell Yeah.

Robyn: Fun name.

Lilith: It is a fun name. It’s a very fun spell.

 

Amanda: Yeah, alright. Here! I look at it, say “You know what? That is really unnecessary and I can point fingers too.” And I point my finger, and I- Oh god, let’s see if it hits otherwise that would really be all talk and no…. HA! Alright sorry that was great. It’s a 20, not a natural twenty, but with my stuff it’s a twenty.

Lilith: OK, ok, it definitely hits.

Amanda: Alright, I point my finger, and it is surrounded by flames and it takes 2 d10 Fire Damage.

Cassidy: So wait… You have shit talk so powerful that you can make things catch fire?

Amanda: Oh no, the shit talk was entirely additional, it was not necessary. Although, I do- Look, I will say that I, Petua, doesn’t look like she was- I think she was kind of talking herself into doing the spell as much as she was trying to shit talk this creature.

Lilith: [Laughter]

Amanda: If that makes any sense. Yeah, so, it’s surrounded by hellish flame… And that’s oooh! That’s 10…. And 13 Damage!

[Music Fades]


Lilith: Thirteen damage, ok! You see, just that arm that was like, reaching out to you? It just melts away like a fucking candle. And you see this thing, it’s just kind of on the ground, now kind of looking quite a bit more pitiful and less disgusting? But still very disgusting than when you started and suddenly you hear this rattling as both of the garage doors begin to open.

[Guitar Doors Whirr]

Syd: God.

Lilith: And all you can see behind them is bright white light.

Syd: Hmmm.

Amanda: That’s not supposed to happen at night.

Lilith: You see two green darts. One of them actually misses, the first one, but the second lands right in the neck region of the weird blob that you were fighting? And it kind of freezes.

Robyn: … Thanks!

Cassidy: Like freezes as in stops moving or freezes as is-

Lilith: It just stops moving!

Cassidy: OK.

Syd: … uh, can we see where it came from? Or at least track-

Lilith: It seemed to come from outside!

 

Syd: Hmm.

Amanda: Thanks for the assistance, but who the hell are you I guess?!? Should we ask?

[music starts]


Lilith: So, a woman in a beautiful white turtleneck-

Amanda: Nice.

Lilith: … walks out, yeah I knew that’d be all Petua’s jam.

Amanda: It’s SO her jam.

Lilith: Walks out from the light, she’s holding a gun in one hand. It kind of looks like a dart gun. And she is looking at the four of you, she’s not pointing the gun at you. And she says “… Hello? Who are you?”

[Various murmurs]

Cassidy: Hi I’m Mikey.

Lilith: Hi Mikey!

Robyn: I’m Kevin.

Lilith: Kevin.

Syd: Electra… and same question.

Lilith: Okay… Um, hold on. OK; Electra, Mikey, Kevin, fantastic. You! And she’s looking at Petua particularly interestedly, what’s your name?

Amanda: [audibly flustered] Um… H-hi. Um… M-my name is Petua. That was really great, what you just did there, that was really really good it was-

Lilith: Thanks!

Amanda: I did the, the earlier, yeah-

Lilith: Glad you were impressed.

Amanda: Yeah, no, very impressed. I did the other stuff that you saw earlier, that was me.

Lilith: Well, I wasn’t watching so….

Amanda: Oh… it was really good, trust me, so good…. Uhm, what’s your name.

Lilith: I believe you! I believe you. She offers out a hand to Petua specifically and she says My Name is Anja St. John. And her hand’s kind of held out there.

Amanda: I shake it enthusiastically. Anja! Very nice to meet you. Nice to meet someone who is alright with killing blobs, I guess.

Lilith: Well he’s not, that’s not… That’s not important. What are you doing here, again?

Mikey: We were following the truck balls.

[snorts]

Lilith: Ok, so we’re here for the same rea- Did somebody tell you to go after the truck balls?

Mikey: I mean, they all told me. I just kinda had a feeling that this was what I’m supposed to be doing.

Lilith: That…. I admire your sense of purpose in life Mikey. That’s really… admirable.

Mikey: Thank you! Mikey looks like he actually is taking this compliment very seriously.

Lilith: So everybody else, especially Petua, what… who… why are you here?

Amanda: Well, uh, well, we are… investigating a-

Lilith: You’re with Luci, aren’t you?

[Music promptly stops]

Amanda: [relieved sigh] Oh, thank christ, yes, we are definitely with Luci. Yes, that’s definitely who we’re with.

Lilith: OK… Ok… Hmm. That’s interesting. Didn’t know that her goons would be out here.

Amanda: Oh.

Lilith: Back up, back up, just… chill. You must be new, I haven’t seen y’all before. Again, Anja St. John, I’m with the Lazarus Foundation? If you don’t know who we are, that’s actually… quite probable. We spend a lot of money to make sure you DON’T know who we are, but… um, but anyway–

Cassidy: Well why did you tell us then?

Lilith: That’s a good question Mikey.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Lilith: Keep that- keep that mentality about you, it’s going to get you far in life. And she like–

Cassidy: Ok.

Lilith: [snorts] I really, I really like this kid Mikey. Uh, Petua? She actually pulls out a little business card, and it says on it “Lazarus Foundation, Anja St. John, Head of Security” and it has an email-address and a phone number. Petua, let me know um…. Just let me know, and she just hands you the business card. Then she just kind of turns and calls back, but she calls back to the lights… Alright, bag him, tag him, let’s do this bullshit. And two guys in HAZMAT suits come in, and they like trying to figure out how to get the kind of liquidy body into a bag. It’s very… there’s lots of pratfalls and really good physical humor that nobody can see right now.

Cassidy: I feel like a snow shovel is the right answer there.

Lilith: Anja is like, Mikey you’re so full of good ideas. Really, wow. OK, Mikey? Here’s another card. Here you go. Kevin, Electra?

Mikey: OK.

Lilith: You can get my contact information from those two I guess if you need to…

Syd: I don’t.

Robyn: I get it, Ok.

Amanda: Um, look, look, wait, hey. I think Petua incidentally, when Anja handed her the card I think I was like halfway into my wallet to give her mine and then I think better of it. But uh, I definitely went up to her and kind of nervously bobbing around whatever the two people are doing. I-I I don’t think can do that, I think that’s ours, right? That should be ours, you can’t just take it away!

Lilith: Oh, I absolutely can. That is an interesting misconception, Miss Petua, but no, no. Absolutely can’t do that.

Syd: How did you know about what was transpiring here?

Lilith: Mmmm. Hmmm. Good question, Electra. She’s now kinda helping shovel, into the bag.

Amanda: [sighs] Well, well look, if you’re not going to tell us anything at least take us with you!

Lilith: OK, Petua, as tempting of an offer that is, I am going to have to decline. You are… Hm, how do I… ? Hm… I guess it kind of depends on whose laws you’re following here, but you don’t have jurisdiction here.

Amanda: I-

Lilith: Tell Luci I said buzz off? Um… Aaaand, yeah. And she’s now gathered up all the things, all the blob parts into the bag and she’s carting it back outside.

Amanda: I kinda look back at Electra and Kevin like, Are you cool with this?

Syd: No.

Robyn: No, but I’m not sure if we have much recourse here?

Amanda: [sighs] I… I…

Syd: Jurisdiction? Since when?

Amanda: I mean…

Syd: What does that even mean?

Amanda: I, I, y- [huffs] Mikey what do you think of all this?

Cassidy: I don’t think she likes you very much!

Syd: Well I don’t like her.

Amanda: Yeah…

Cassidy: She seems to like me.

Amanda: Yeah, she does. Well we all like you.

Syd: [muttering to herself] Lazarus… Lazarus…

Cassidy: Thanks!

Lilith: Mikey you’re doing a great job! That was just Anja just yelling out.

Amanda: [laughs]

Syd: Lazarus…

Cassidy: Thank you!

Amanda: I mean, look… If we fucked this up, I mean what if Lucifer never contacts us again? What if this was our last chance to, I don’t know, do right by this world, what we’re supposed to be doing? I don’t want to just let this go. What do you think we should do, should we run after her?

Syd: I think she’ll understa- well… She’ll probably be upset. But this is probably something that happens. I’m not happy about it. It’s very… unnerving.

[Soft music fades in]


Lilith: The lights all shut off, those lights that were outside, the floodlights? And you just see there is a nondescript 18-wheeler outside and Anja is in the passenger side seat. And she’s just waving through the glass as the 18 wheeler–

Cassidy: Mikey waves back.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: Petua kind of, I kinda wave back like, really weakly, as if I didn’t have any idea what my hand was doing like, bye….

Cassidy: Mikey’s on full-on like kindergartner meeting his mom on the first day of school kind of wave. It’s a whole body movement.

Amanda: [under her breath] God.

Lilith: The 18-wheeler pulls away and drives off into that warm Texas night.

[Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass fades in]

[Outro – Music Break

 

(untranscribed lyrics)

 

It’s the fury of the storm

 

It’s the endless falling rain

 

It’s the growing of the dark

 

It’s the thrive of decay

 

It’s the voice of woe

 

It’s the call of the moon

 

It’s the cold retribution

 

The dark rider known as death]

Lilith: Hey there folks, Luci there again with a couple post-show production notes. If you liked this week’s episode, feel free to stop by iTunes or Podchaser and leave us a review. Post about the show on Twitter with the hashtag #GhostpuncherCorps and Lili might name a character after you. All support for Ghost Puncher Corps. Comes from the Ghost Puncher Patreon, which you can join at patreon.com/ghostpuncher and gain access to a host of exclusive content where you can get early access to new episodes for as little as one dollar a month. All music used in this episode of Ghostpuncher Corps was used non-commercially and with attribution, and all links can be found in the description of this episode. Thank you to Skagos for “Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass” the intro and outro of our show. See you again soon!

(Transcription by Micha Cavaseno, contact for transcription work here)

[Music Fades In:  Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass]

Lilith: Hello everyone my name is Lucifer. Welcome to this the third edition of Ghostpuncher Corps. This week the gang are closing in on the testicular spectre haunting Poulton, Texas. They have finally learned to start leaning on their new friend Mikey and his peculiar skills.

Cassidy: I only ever met one ghost. It was weird.

Amanda: Oh!

Robyn: Well oh, hey wait, that’s more… That’s a lot of ghosts, relatively.

Cassidy: I just, like, fixed… her. With my brain!… Can y’all not do that?

Amanda: That might be a ‘You’ thing.

Cassidy: Mikey just sort of starts rocking in place… Then he opens them and you notice his eyes are pitch fucking black…. Those balls there’s something wrong with them.

Lilith: That’s good, it really bothered me that they left him in the winnebago. It’s just… rude.

As they close in on their first mark as hunters under my employ, we’ll see how the gang do in closing the deal. Hopefully they don’t make too much noise. Wouldn’t want to attract any unwanted attention.

[Musical interlude]

Lilith: Alright y’all. When we last left off, you were outside Jackie’s Customs. You were… Mikey was behind the van. Mikey just watched as the glowing object that he saw under the street just scurried into the building and out of sight.

Cassidy: By object you mean the shapeshifting truck nuts.

Lilith: Yeah, the shapeshifting truck nuts-

Cassidy: The haunted shapeshifting truck nuts.

Lilith: The Haunted shapeshifting truck nuts, thank you for clarifying.

Cassidy: The killer haunted shapeshifting truck nuts.

Amanda: [Laughter]

Lilith: You don’t know that yet!

Amanda: I mean, probable cause, right?

Lilith: Probable ca-? Oh my god.

Cassidy: At very least, the truck nuts were a witness.

Syd: I think we spent too much time in that police department.

Lilith: God… Alright. So… so you see the haunted truck nuts go in. It’s about 11 o’clock so the custom shop is closed up for the evening. All the lights are off…

Cassidy: Oh uh, what time is it? Like, you say evening.

Lilith: Eleven.

Cassidy: Oh, so like night.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. Like super night.

Cassidy: Like full on, like it’s dark outside, ok.

Lilith: Yeah. It’s dark outside, it is closed.

Amanda: Well, I think that we should break in! Unless it’s not locked in which case, that wouldn’t be necessary.

Syd: I’d like to check for traps AKA Alarm systems.

Amanda: [building laughter]

Lilith: W-Wait. Hey, y’all are still in the car!

Syd: Ok

Amanda: Oh oh, alright, I’d like to- I’d like to retcon all that then.

[Assorted Laughter]

Robyn: Let’s get out of the car.

Amanda: I’d like to check for car alarms… OK, let’s get out of the car.

Lilith: OK, everyone’s out of the car. Good job.

Amanda: [stammering] So, about how far from the location are we?

Lilith: Hey, you’re right in front of the door. We’re moving this along. We did it.

Amanda: Great… Ah, fantastic.

Syd: [whoops]

Amanda: I guess we should probably make a perception check just to see if there are any obvious cameras, security alarms, that kind of shit, right?

Lilith: Go ahead.

Amanda: Yeah, that’s a… 7. [groans]

Lilith: Seven? You do not see any kind of cameras or anything like that.

Cassidy: I mean, do I have to roll perception to notice a sign for an alarm company in the window?

Syd: Well…

Lilith: I mean… I guess you don’t since you specifically asked about it? There is not a sign for an alarm company in the window. However, I’m really interested to hear why Mikey would be thinking about that.

Cassidy: I mean, that was kind of out of character. It was just…

Lilith: Yeah, yeah.

Amanda: Our helpful game wizard to the side, Mikey’s twin… alter-ego or something, fuck.

Lilith: [chuckles]

Cassidy: Sometimes Mikey gets divine psychic inspiration. The uh, the sasquatch hive mind.

Lilith: That… is…

Cassidy: In the form of me meta-gaming.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: Ok, well, fuckin’ cataclysmic extraplanar event that none of you can see cuts of Mikey’s immediate connection to the sasquatch hive-mind that helps him cheat so, Electra! Gimme a perception check.

Syd: Oh, perception check… I’ll just accept-

Lilith: Or whatever check you want to give me.

Syd: I mean, it doesn’t matter. I mean, I rolled the die… It’s perception at 16, investigation at 17.

Lilith: OK, fantastic. You’re investigating the shit out of all this stuff. You super don’t  see any cameras.

Syd: Ok.

Amanda: Alright.

Lilith: You guys, there aren’t cameras.

Amanda: Great, great. I feel like even if there were by the time that we get in here and start wrasslin’ with whatever this thing is, it won’t matter if there were cops also, so… Shall we break into this building?

Syd: Are we around the back, or do we come up to the front?

Lilith: I mean, I-


Syd: It’s probably best that we’re not facing the street.

Lilith: Actually, the front door, it kinda has like a weird… it’s one of those things where you come off into the driveway and the door is still facing away from the street? Uh, it’s actually not visible at all from the road.

Syd: [mutters] Ok.

Cassidy: So all the lights are off inside the body shop?

Lilith: Yeah, all the lights inside are off.

Cassidy: Does it look like anyone’s around?

Lilith: Does not.

Cassidy: Well what about outside, on the street?

Lilith: Outside on the street? People are driving by… It’s late at night so the roads are pretty clear.

Cassidy: I’ll just try the door, to see if it’s unlocked, y’know? Stranger things have happened.

Lilith: It is locked.

Cassidy: Ok.

Amanda: Alright.

Robyn: I’ll pick the door.

Lilith: Hell yeah, yeah, roll me a lock pick check.

Robyn: Ah… That’s a, oooh boy, that’s a 20 without a modifier.

Lilith: OK! You… Yeah, yeah it is. That lock, like… it is unmade. No, the door opens up and you see inside. It is the same sales floor area that you saw before. Very dimly lit, doesn’t seem to be anybody inside. And yeah, there are two doors; one of them behind the counter that you saw before? And the other one, the double glass doors leading to the sound room that you were in before.

Amanda: I think that it probably will gravitate towards that room where the murder happened? That was kind of the vibe that we- That was where we landed on that right? That room was definitely the most weird and probable for y’know, supernatural occurrences or whatever?

Robyn: Yeah.

Cassidy: I mean that does… that seems to reason.

Amanda: Alright. I mean I think that we should just head right there. Everybody, y’know, ready yourselves or whatever but that’s probably where we should go.

Syd: I turn on my gear.

Lilith: Hell yeah.

Cassidy: What’s the timeframe between us, like… we basically just ran right over from that woman’s house.

Lilith: Yep!

Cassidy: Oh, ok, so yeah there was no rest time or anything?

Lilith: No, no. Two doors; one of ‘em glass, one of them is just a regular door leading to the back. It does say “Employees Only”.

Amanda: That was the same “Employees Only” room that we tried to get into last time. Because I remember that there were two right? There was one inside the spinning rims room and then there’s the other one? But I’m pretty sure-

Lilith: There’s a lot of doors that say “Employees Only”. This one’s out on the sales floor, which is kind of separated away from any doors that you have tried or succeeded to get through.

Amanda: Gotcha. And, the other one, I remember now, so it was through… We were in the room with all the speakers and the “Employees Only” room in there was… where the truck nuts were.

Lilith: Yep… Yes.

Amanda: So, does everyone want to head through the glass doors, and into that room?

Cassidy: I mean Mikey’s just kinda waiting for someone else to take the lead. He’s not an investigator.

Amanda: Alright. Ok yeah… So I walk over to the glass doors and… push on them? Are they automatic?

Lilith: They’re push doors. They do have a ‘swoosh’ thing, but that’s been turned off.

Amanda: Mkay. I push on them.

Lilith: Ok. You open up those doors and you walk in the room. The room is again it’s very very dimly lit, just enough where you can safely find your way around. But you do see a button that says ‘Demo’ in the center of the room. It’s kind of on a pedestal.

Amanda: That wasn’t there the last time we were here, was it? 

Syd: [hesitantly] It’s just a… just a lone pedestal?… Alone in the middle of the room?

Lilith: Yeah it’s a lone pedestal. This place has a flair for the dramatic.

Syd: OK.


Cassidy: OK well Mikey is gonna push that button unless somebody stops him… Like I’m walking towards the button right now.

Amanda: I could’ve called that.

Robyn: I’m fine with this.

Syd: I don’t know if we should… press that. We should maybe-

Cassidy: K, well he’s at the button. He’s about to push it.

Syd: … Oh no.

Cassidy: I mean, unless somebody physically stops him. Or tells him not to.

Amanda: [in the background] I think this is gonna happen.

Lilith: Ok, Mikey has pressed the button. I’m just calling it.

Cassidy: There was enough time for somebody to say that.

[Music starts to fade in]


Lilith: You all it’s… it’s like a crushing wave of sound goes over all of you. You hear this horrible horrible racket penetrating your skull. And actually each of you hear kind of distinct… there’s a lot of different things playing like radio broadcasts, songs you never heard before… Kevin, you hear, what was that um… the band that you have a tattoo of their logo? What was that band?

Robyn: Oh uh, I don’t know, I made it up.

Lilith: Oh you made it up? Come up with a name.

Robyn: Come up with a name now? Ah shit, uh… ah… “Evil Circus”.

Lilith: “Evil Circus”, that’s… That’s perfect. And would you be able to come up with one of Evil Circus’ hit jams?

Syd: Oh my god…

Robyn: Uhm… “Dad Slayer”!

Lilith: “Dad Slayer”! Hell yeah, ok, so! You specifically hear in this horrible cacophony… Coldplay’s cover of “Dad Slayer” that they did for the Vampire Diaries soundtrack? It’s like your least favorite song in the entire world. Mikey? You hear Raffi played at half-speed, and it’s one of the most scary things that you’ve ever heard of. Electra, you hear a track from your Myspace page circa 2007, that you have tried to bury. And Petua, you hear both Norah Jones and Babylonian ritual chants that have never been recorded before? And I need you all to make Constitution saving throws.

Syd: The fuck…

Amanda: [rolling dice] Ah fuck, um… I critical failed.

Lilith: Alright. Let’s hear how everybody else did!

Syd: A 5…?

Cassidy: Oh, I got a 15.

 

Robyn: I got a 9.

 

Lilith: OK, everyone except for, ooh… That’ll be interesting. Except for Mikey, you now have Disadvantage on all skill checks you can make while you hear this horrible, horrible noise. Mikey? It’s loud and it’s weird and disturbing but you’re good.

Cassidy: I’m good.

Amanda: Do I get anything for critical failing?

 

Lilith: God I forg-… Yeah, yeah. I mean, what do I- Oh, you know what? That’s easy. You take 3 damage.

Amanda: THREE!? Okay…. Damn, sorry, that was melodramatic.

Lilith: [laughs]

Cassidy: I mean, I’m going to guess that you have like, 8 hit points total.

Amanda: Yeah, I’ve got 19 typically but…

Cassidy: Wait, nineteen?

Amanda: Wait no, that doesn’t sound right. No, 9, sorry. 

 

Cassidy: Nine, ok, I’m like “How do you have more health than I do?”

 

Amanda: There’s not supposed to be a one there, sorry. Yeah, great, lovely, 6 hit points going on here. Sorry about that. Electra, you were going to dive for this button.

Syd: I’m going to dive to press the button and hopefully stop this racket…. And this god awful Fruity Loops song that I made 10 years ago.

[Music stops before slowly fading back in]


Lilith: You kinda hear like… You hear everything just kind of start over.

Syd: Oh no…

 

Lilith: Everyone except for Kevin, you see a little cable running underneath… It kind of goes from the wall to underneath one of the housing sections for the speakers? And yeah, the sound is continuing. And it’s horrible.

Syd: I want to… destroy… I have a knife in my boot. So when I grab that cable? And take out my knife and just fucking, cut that fucker in half.

Lilith: You just cut the cable in half?

Syd: Yeah, just pull the cable and run the knife under it and just yank…. I’m just desperate to get rid of this…

Lilith: Hmm, ok!… Ok.

Amanda: That doesn’t seem like a good idea.

Syd: The knife is insulated, it’s fine.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah good thing that that knife’s insulated so… You see there’s like a spark and everything like that. And as you pull back on it, you see a little, black, like a box that this cable was connected to? And on it in big white letters is “SAFETY INHIBITOR” and now I’m going to need all of you to run another Constitution saving throw.

Amanda: Oh fuck.

Syd: What the… ?

Amanda: Oh, phew, 18.

Lilith: Eighteen.

Syd: 7.

Robyn: 11.

Cassidy: 10?

Lilith: OK. So…

[Music shifts to an abrasive breakcore track]

Lilith: Petua and Kevin… You guys together are alright. Everybody else just took 2 damage as you just kinda feel, it just digs deeper in your ears. It is just like, pulse pounding, like loud, loud, loud. And you see the speakers and they are just like, shaking.

Syd: Is like a… switch anywhere, a power… something… anywhere?

Lilith: You do see a switch on the Safety Inhibitor that reads “ON” that goes from off to on, it was in the off position.

Cassidy: I’m just gonna run to the closest speaker to me? And just straight up, put my fist through it.

Lilith: Actually just roll me a d10?… No modifier.

Cassidy: OK [rolls dice] No modifier? Then I got a 6.

Lilith: OK so you like… smash your hand through this speaker and you actually see 6 other ones kind of short out and they stop working and the audio is marginally less terrifying.

Amanda: I think that I should do something about this, so… I would like to cast a spell. I would like to attack the speakers as well, this time.

Lilith: Hell Yeah.

Amanda: I’m going to cast “Eldritch Blast”, it is a cantrip, can I do that?… Alright, great

Lilith: Yeah!… Cool, roll me a d10.

Amanda: [Rolls Die] Oh nice… It is. An evocation cantrip…. It’s an 8.

Cassidy: Is that a cantrip for you?… Wow.

Lilith: It is… It’s an eight? Perfect. 8 speakers just fucking explode, it’s getting quieter.

Amanda: Oh, well I also think that… Can I put a little bit of spice on this since it’s the first time my character has cast a spell?

Lilith: Yes.

Amanda: OK…. So Petua is still being assailed by this wave of sound, right? And I think that she closes her eyes and focuses on how disgusting it is to hear Norah Jones and these Babylonian chants and this ridiculous pop music altogether… And her eyes just kind of roll over, and she closes them and listens for a second and then summons this… very, very intense wave of eldritch energy.

Lilith: Hell Yes. Hell. Yes. 8 speakers, ka-blam. They are no longer doing it. Anybody else wanna take a swing?

Syd: I’ve got my bat out and I’m just fucking…. Going wild.

Lilith: Swingin’? Alright. Yeah. Just roll me a Damage roll for that.

Syd: [Rolls dice] 4.

Lilith: Four? Alright. Four more speakers explode and you actually start to see a few other ones are just kind of shorting out. And let’s just say, hey, Kevin, do you want to take a swing?

Robyn: Yeah… Actually I was gonna ask about electricity concerns? Because I got a metal sword-

Lilith: That is true.

Robyn: But I don’t think Kevin would… I don’t think he would be smart enough to wonder that, so I’m not gonna…

Amanda: [laughs] Also if you bought it at the mall, it’s…Yeah.

Cassidy: I feel like Kevin would just get caught up in smashing.

Robyn: Yeah, he’s just gotta smash… What am I rolling again?

Lilith: Hell Yeah. Uh… You’re just rolling the Damage roll for your sword which, I think I have that written down there as a one d6 +4 or something? I don’t…

Robyn: That’s a 3.

Lilith: Three? Ok, cool. So, three more speakers explode. You feel just a slight jolt of electricity, it doesn’t do any damage, but you definitely… It just makes your arm feel all weird? So just write that down on your character sheet, arm feels all weird.

Robyn: Ok.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: And the speakers, they all just like in a giant crackle of static and sparks they all just stop. And the room is once again quiet.

Syd: I’m still smashing.

Lilith: [bursts into laughter]

Syd: I’m just very upset.

Amanda: [In a concerned tone] Uh, Electra, Electra? I think y-… You probably don’t have to do that anymore. I think you did it…

Syd: Yeah… Still feels good…. We should probably get into the garage. Whatever.

Amanda: I know… Uh, the room, right?

Syd: Yeah.

Lilith: So… There are three doors going from this room there is, or actually I should say there are four. There is the set of glass doors you came through, there is one to your left marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY”, one in front of you also marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY”. That’s the one that you’ve put together is the stock room. And then one to your right that says “CUSTOMS” which, you’ve went through before.

Syd: Did anyone else hear… particularly strange things?

Amanda: I mean, from the music? It wasn’t great, I’ll give it that but…

Syd: Anything out of the ordinary.

Amanda: I definitely heard something that was so ancient that even I haven’t heard it so, I’m not really sure what that was up with, but it was-

Cassidy: It was like a song that you used to know… ? But like you’re hearing it in a dream. But it doesn’t sound right.

Amanda: Right, like you can’t put the song to what the song is, almost.

Syd: Right.

Robyn: [affects twang] I knew what I was hearing. It was from that Vampire Diaries movie, I hated it.

[Assorted stifled laughter]

Amanda: Is that a new accent, Kevin?

Robyn: Hm?

Lilith: I love it! I love it.

Amanda: Did you, did Kevin get electrocuted so hard that now he sounds like–

Robyn: [twang maintains] I… This has been my voice this whole time!

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: Right, no, of course! It must have been me, we were hearing so much awful shit that we just don’t remember what anything sounds like anymore. Great.

Syd: … Is the door… open?

Lilith: It is still locked, but I will let Kevin take another crack at a lock-picking check.

Robyn: A 20.

Lilith: Hell yeah. OK. That door just pops right open.

Syd: [whispered] Yes.

Amanda: OK. I think that I would like to make an Investigation check…? Into like, the room specifically. I want to kind of look into the room, I think I have Dark Vision but I want to look into the room and check out that spot. If I can see it from the threshold of the door without going in yet. Like kind of peer over there…

Lilith: Ok, Ok. Yeah go ahead.

Amanda: [Rolls Dice] Nice… Hmm, Perception… 14?

Lilith: Fourteen?

Amanda: No wait, with Investigation is… is 15, sorry.

Lilith: Fifteen, perfect. You see just sort of a dimly-lit room. You’re kind of starting to feel those same kind of vibes you were feeling before. But it’s just kind of a dark stock room.

Cassidy: How about how big is it?

Lilith: It’s… I would say maybe 300 feet wide? 100 feet back?

Cassidy: Ok.

Amanda: I turn to, I guess to Mikey… Do you feel anything in this room? Oh wait, is Mikey’s Detect Magic still going? Probably not, right?

Cassidy: No, it’s long expired.

Lilith: Yeah.

Amanda: Damn, ok…

Cassidy: It only lasts 10 minutes.

Amanda: I mean, it’s still polite to ask. Mikey, what do you think?

Cassidy: What do I think about what?

Amanda: Should we go in, do you feel anything? I-I’m getting some serious vibes from that corner of the room where the blood was?

Cassidy: Oh, I dunno, it looks spooky though.

Amanda: Yeah… I mean, I think that we should go in. What do you guys think?

Syd: Absolutely… I’m ready.

Amanda: Alright…. Okay, I guess we’re all as ready as we’ll ever be. I walk into the room.

Cassidy: Oh wait, is it dark?

Lilith: It’s very dark, yes.

Cassidy: Like… Ok, I’ll cast Produce Flame. You all look away for a second and before you know it Mikey’s hand’s on fire.

 

Amanda: [laughter]

Syd: [concerned murmuring]

Cassidy: He doesn’t look very perturbed by it.

Amanda: Uh… does that happen often?

Cassidy: … Does what happen? Oh, this! Nono, this is just something I can do. Don’t worry about it, I just figured so we could see better.

Syd: … Can we see better?

Lilith: Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

Syd: OK.

Lilith: What do you see, what do you feel, all of these very important questions… The first thing that you see, reflected with the fire in their eyes, you see just rats. Rats eyes lining the shelves, and they are watching you.

Syd: Just some friends.

Amanda: Can anyone, and this is not something that I would normally ask on a regular day, but this is not a regular day… Can anyone talk to animals?

Cassidy: I’m gonna just assume that everyone turns and looks at Mikey?

Robyn: Yeah.

Amanda: [Chuckling] I think so.

Lilith: [Laughing]

Syd: Yeah, that’s a pretty good assumption.

Cassidy: What’re you guys looking at me for?

Robyn: Can you talk to animals?

Cassidy: No! Of course not. Animals can’t talk!

Amanda: Well, you can set your hand on fire, so y’know, we thought we would just check. Um, alright, I-

Cassidy: I guess I see the logic in that.

Amanda: I address the rats in… the common tongue, I suppose.

Lilith: [cackles]

Amanda: WHAT!?

Syd: The rats?

Lilith: I mean, in English, yeah… Yeah, yeah that’s fine.

Amanda: I dunno, I was looking at the list of languages that I speak and… I-, Okay, Okay. Alright-

Robyn: Galactic basic.

Amanda: Well, I don’t know if there’s like some Dr. Who shit going on where we can just speak whatever the language everybody else is speaking here. Like if we were in France we’d just be chillin’ too, but like alright. I am going to address the rats. In English.

Lilith: Ok. [snorts]

Amanda: [Bursting into laughter] I forgot what I was going to say, ok, great. Now that we know what language I’m speaking… What do you want?

Lilith: They just, they kind of skitter around.

Amanda: Fucking of course they do.

Robyn: Ah, the ‘normal’ rats.

Amanda: They skitter around? They were sitting still a little bit, before.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah, one of them kind of just goes over to a thing of cheese and … There’s cheese!

Amanda: [snickers]

Syd: Wait.

Cassidy: There’s just some cheese lying on the floor?… No wonder they have rats. Jesus!

Amanda: Rats love cheese.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah! There’s car cheese and the dragees so these rats are eating like- You notice, they’re a little bit bigger!

Cassidy: Oh, I forgot about dragees.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. They’re a little bit bigger than your average rat.

[various murmurs]

Cassidy: Well, a diet of dragees will do that.

Amanda: Would you go so far as to say that they’re rodents of an unusual size.

Lilith: [Laughter] I- I wouldn’t, but I would say-

Syd: I get that reference

Lilith: Let’s all stop beating around the bush, they lunge at you and let’s roll for Initiative…! Yaaaay.

Amanda: Oh god. Jesus. Thank you. [Groans and Rolls Dice] I got 14.

Syd: I got a 20. Ok.

Cassidy: I got a 12 for my Initiative.

Amanda: Yeah I got fourteen.

Lilith: Electra was a twenty…

Syd: Yep… “Natty Twen”

Lilith: I like your… Are we gonna be starting some new tabletop lexicon like, are we coming up with some words? Hell Yeah.

Syd: Yeah, that’s… That’s my original. Y’all can use it.

Amanda: Get some knuckle tats that say “Natty Twen” on ‘em… It’s gonna go down real well.

Lilith: [Laughs] Uh, Robyn, did you get an Initiative roll?

Robyn: Oh, yeah, 12.

Lilith: Twelve, cool, alright. So there are three rats, and they’re all kind of poised on the shelves.

Cassidy: Like regular sized rats?

Lilith: Yeah, I mean they’re a little bit bigger.

Cassidy: But it’s not unusual.

Lilith: I mean, it’s slightly unusual.

Amanda: They’re showing a level of tactical organization that is unusual for rats, I’m assuming, yeah…? Gotcha

Lilith: Yeah yeah, I mean, they’re coming for you but Electra you’re going first.

Syd: Where, which shelf?

Lilith: It’s like, eye-level?

Syd: Ok. I’m just gonna swing at ‘em. I still have my bat after that last incident.

Lilith: Holy Shit, yes, absolutely. Swing at ‘em, roll to hit.

Syd: Just take a wack at ‘em, with the ol’ trusty Wendy.

Amanda: Oh god.

Syd: So that’s a… Is Electra a lefty? Probably. Sure. Why not?

Amanda: Aren’t we all lefties out here, really, deep down?

Syd: Yeah. Left Path, etc.

Lilith: Yeah.

Syd: Just swing from the left, so I guess the left rat’s gonna get it.

Lilith: Ok.

Syd: [Dice Roll] That’s a 23.

Lilith: That’s a-… Jesus, yeah, that hits. Uhm, yeah, roll for damage.

Syd: [Dice Roll] That’s a 6.

Lilith: That’s a six? Ok. You just like… that was, oh my god. That was Babe Ruth in the final inning. Like, you just launched that fucking rat. And it is G-O-N-E gone! Petua… [restraining giggling]

Amanda: Well I’m so glad that my thing won’t seem like overkill now. I cast Chill Touch [Laughter].

Lilith: [Laughing] Oh god, you cast Chill T- Okay. Is that a Saving Throw?

Amanda: It’s a Cantrip. No, I think-

Lilith: Yeah.

Syd: Oh, Chill Touch? That’s a good one.

Amanda: Yeah Chill Touch it’s a… It’s a good ‘un. Uh, I don’t think so, I just have to see if it’s a hit or not. So I’m going to see if it’s a hit!

Lilith: Ok.

Amanda: [Rolls Dice] And that is a… It’s a 16!

Lilith: Sixteen? That is a hit.

Amanda: Well, uh, a hit. Target takes 1d Necrotic damage and uh, can’t regen any hit points starting the next turn and- There’s an undead hand clinging to this rat, is what I’m saying.

Lilith: Well you that, I’m glad you did that. Because these rats are renowned for their healing arts. So that was gonna be a real problem!

Amanda: [Rolls Dice] I meaaaan uh… I do 4 damage.

Lilith: OK. That rat just kinda keels over. Like you overfed it, just… and it… There’s One Rat Left. Kevin! It’s your turn.

Robyn: I-I just, I hit it with my sword!

Lilith: Ok! Roll me an Attack Roll.

Robyn: OK cool that’s a 14?

Lilith: Fourteen? Awesome. That hits, and now you roll that d6.

Robyn: Now the d6. And that is 6 damage!

Lilith: Six damage, ok, that rat, that rat has been cleft in twain. Um, yeah, yeah. It’s gross, honestly! And so yeah, now y’all have three dead rats. [Breaks into the Final Fantasy battle victory theme]

Amanda: And where are the Other rats doing?

Lilith: No that was, there were three rats.

Amanda: Wait, you said that there were LOTS of rats, in there.

Lilith: I mean three is a lot of rats!

Amanda: That’s a very normal amount of rats! I thought, I was expecting, I was thinking like we just entered the Bat Cave and they’re just like LINING THE WALLS. The Rats. Really!

Cassidy: Yeah I was like-…

Lilith: [Laughs] I’ve seen Three Rats in my whole life, three rats is a lot!

Amanda: [Laughs] This is a fantasy role-playing game!

Cassidy: I think I’ve got three rats in my bedroom, right now.

Amanda: Yeah, same!

Lilith: Ok, fine! I-

Robyn: I imagined like…

Lilith: Yeah yeah, y’all like fighting rats so fucking much!

Amanda: Oh my god…

Lilith: You’ve got more rats! Mikey, it’s your turn there’s 3 more rats.

Cassidy: Whose turn is it?

Lilith: It’s Mikey’s turn.

Cassidy: Oh ok, where are, what are the rats doing?

Lilith: They just climbed up on that same shelf and they’re just sitting there looking menacingly. ‘Cause you just killed three of their brethren.

Cassidy: Ok. [Rolls Dice] So they’re just sitting there then?

Lilith: I mean, yeah, ‘cause it’s not their turn yet.

[Assorted Snickering]

Cassidy: Oh, OK. Well I just like, I don’t know, Three Rats is like, not a combat encounter… I dunno I guess I’ll attack one of the rats. I mean, I don’t have a weapon or anything so I’m just gonna… swing at it?

Lilith: Like, punch a rat.

Amanda: [chortling] Punch a rat.

Cassidy: I mean, I don’t even think Mikey would necessarily strike with like, closed fist? I’m sort of just imagining like a… Like a spastic kind of palm strike?

Amanda: S-So what you’re saying is, we should change the name of this podcast to “Rat Slapper”.

Lilith: Yeah! Yeah.

Cassidy: I mean, I’m not saying that but… I’m saying that’s definitely more what Mikey’s doing than like-

Robyn: My tattoo is actually for a band called Rat Slapper.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: That’s, I-… I want the magic element of Kevin’s tattoo to be that this band keeps changing their name, and it just keeps changing with it.

Amanda: Oh God! That’s very good.

Robyn: Definitely… Every time he thinks of a cool phrase it changes.

[More Laughter]

Syd: It’s honestly a pretty sick power.

Amanda: I know…

Lilith: Yeah, right? So, Cassidy, what’s the Attack Roll for-

Cassidy: I got a 15 on my Attack Roll.

Lilith: OK, you slap the shit out of that rat. What is the damage on an unarmed strike? I think it’s just a d4?

Cassidy: I got… Well, plus my strength modifier?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah!

Cassidy: Uh, then I got 6 damage.

Lilith: Six damage, OK. Mikey, the rat just like… Kinda goes, flying. I dunno, what, was Mikey going for more of a ‘squash’ or more of an ‘away’?

Cassidy: Nonono it’s more of just like a swat. Like it just, y’know, sent it sailing straight across the room.

Lilith: OK.

Cassidy: It’s probably even fine, realistically? It just probably doesn’t want to play anymore.

Lilith: There’s two rats left and it is now their turn. One of them bites Mikey on the hand and… Oh! It just rolled a 20. This rat’s really good at biting. It just did 3 damage to Mikey.
Cassidy: Damn.

Lilith: Yeah! I mean it did roll a Crit so like… Good job, rat. And the other one like, jumps at Kevin? Tries to bite him, and it misses! Yeah, it just kinda, faceplants on the ground. But then it kinda skitters back up to its feet and runs away. We’re back to the top of the order, Electra there is one rat that ran away and there is one rat that just bit Mikey on the hand.

Syd: Is that rat attached to Mikey’s hand?

Lilith: No, the rat did not try to latch on.

Syd: Then I will swing… yeah, then I will swing at that rat. [Rolls Dice] 23.

Lilith: OK, the rat’s dead like-

Amanda: [Laughter]

Syd: That’s awful man.

Lilith: [Laughs] OK, all of the rats are dead. We’re past the rats. You solved my rat puzzle, congratulations.

Amanda: Oh my god…

Syd: We should investigate that corner, again… I’d rather not this time.

Lilith: So… Ok. Yeah you look back at that corner, the caution tape is still up. And you look at it and actually getting the same, like… Before the vibes, I know I keep using that word, but the vibes were concentrated over there, but they don’t really seem to be over there right now.

Syd: Where are they then?

Lilith: Well, you’ll have to find out, won’t you?

[Dice Rolls]

Amanda: Mikey- Oh, sorry… Electra, you were rolling an Arcana Check or something? Investigation?

Syd: I was making an assumption of what I have to roll…. So

Amanda: Oh.

Lilith: I mean, you can roll an Arcana Check here, yeah.

Syd: So that was a 13.

Lilith: Thirteen? You feel…. It’s nothing directional, but you do feel a prickle on the back of your neck

Syd: There’s definitely something still here. It’s just not, quite… there. Where it was before.

Amanda: I, okay. Mikey?

Cassidy: Yep?

Amanda: I think that you should look again. I think this will go faster if we have you looking for whatever is out there. Do you think-

Cassidy: Oh I don’t think I can do that again. No.

Amanda: You don’t think you can do that again?

Cassidy: No, I’m way too tired. I can only do that like, y’know, maybe a couple times a day.

Amanda: No, alright. Hm. Well-

Cassidy: And after healing Electra too like I just… don’t got it in me.

Amanda: No, no, that’s ok, I understand. Alright. I guess, should we…. Does anybody else have anything that would help us search for whatever this thing is? Or should we just go back out and look around?

[Faint Feedback starts, soon developing into Creedence Clearwater Revival played from another room]


Lilith: You hear the crackle of a radio turning on. And you hear from well behind you, it looks like it’s coming from the area where the garage is, you hear the fabled words of John Fogerty ringing out. He seems to hear that a bad moon is rising.

Amanda: God….

Lilith: Yeah.

Syd: Oh boy.

Amanda: Well, I guess, going towards that. Anybody else want to do anything else besides go towards that… music?

Syd: Trouble’s on the way….

Robyn: [With a nervous chuckle] Seems hard to do anything else, in this situation. I’m pretty curious.

Amanda: Alright. I think that we all run out, I mean, I dunno, I’m speaking for myself. I think I run out towards the garage, does anybody else want to come with me?

Cassidy: Mikey advances tentatively, staying behind at least one or two other people.

Amanda: Alright, yeah, no, I’m just gonna go into the shit, I guess. I’m probably in the front of the group.

Lilith: Ok, Ok. So you walk in, you burst into this fucking room and… You just see the radio, it’s an empty garage. Both the garage doors are closed… And yeah, you are… Whatever fucking vibe, you were feeling? It’s just like going absolutely like, you feel-

Syd: Bonkers.

Lilith: Yeah, it’s going bonkers, exactly. But you don’t see anything! Other than this radio.

Amanda: Alright.

Syd: That’s what I say, Electra just says ‘Bonkers’ as I enter the room.

Amanda: Um, hear me out… if they can hear me over. This is the radio, hopefully. I turn to the other three, I say: I think, I’m not sure if the rats were involved in this, but I think the radios were. And I think every time that we destroy something that has this in it, it moves. So… Maybe we should proceed with caution and not smash it immediately if we can avoid doing that, yeah?

Syd: Sounds like a plan.

Cassidy: Ok!

Amanda: Right.

Robyn: Fair enough.

Amanda: I guess, can I roll an Arcana Check?

Lilith: Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Amanda: And that’s a… ooh! 17.

[Radio Music Cuts Softly After Roll]

Lilith: Seventeen? Ok… Yeah you feel… There’s something underneath you, you feel some deep like, Necromantic shit going on… It seems like it’s coming from underneath one of the lifters?

Amanda: Alright… I look around. I think it’s coming from underneath one of the lifters!

Lilith: [Laughs]

Robyn: I’m assuming Kevin knows how a lifter works.

Lilith: Yes, absolutely he does. There’s a lever that makes it go up, and makes it go down.

Syd: Nice.

Robyn: Let’s make it go up.

 

[Dark Ambient Music slowly enters the mix]

Lilith: Ok, ok. You make it go up and this lever, this lifter, you see it kinda looks like in a cartoon, the way that cheese sticks to the roof of a pizza box? You know what I’m talking about?

Amanda: Wait, in what cartoon does cheese stick to the lid of a pizza box?

Robyn: It was in A Goofy Movie, right?

Lilith: Yeah, it probably- Yeah! Yeahyeahyeah

Cassidy: Didn’t Ninja Turtles have that effect?… You’re just talking about like, really gooey cartoon pizza.

Amanda: Ohhh Ok.

[Music Builds into Tense Metal]

Lilith: Yeah, really really gooey cartoon pizza, but it got stuck to the top? And it’s just like, you just see… that, but a lot pinker than cheese. You just see a kinda goop rising up, and suddenly you just see like, it almost looks like an arm reaching out from the goop and it lunges at Kevin. It tries to hit him in the face and is not successful. But now we’re rolling Initiative again!

Syd: What. The Fuck.

Lilith: Electra you’re at the top of the order. What’re you gonna do?

Syd: Oof. This is the big moment. Gonna bust out Dissonant Whisper.

Lilith: Hell Yeah.

Syd: Yeah there is no Attack Roll. It’s just a Wisdom Save.

Lilith: Oh it’s just a Wisdom Save? Ok, ok.

Syd: Yeah.

Lilith: Uh… OK so then it does not successfully save.

[Sound Effects]

Lilith: Hell yeah, what do these beautiful tones do?

Syd: Target must make a Wisdom Saving throw, on a failed save it takes 3 d6 Psychic Damage and must immediately use his reaction… if available.

Lilith: Fuck Off! Damn Ok… !

Syd: … use his reaction, if available, to move as far away it’s Speed allows, away from you.

Amanda: Goddamn.

Syd: It doesn’t move to obviously dangerous ground. Uhm, yeah.

Lilith: OK, Ok. R-Roll that… [Dice Rolls] Wait, you have a level one Bard Spell that does like 3 d6 damage?

Robyn: Ouch.

Amanda: Yeah, shit.

Syd: Yeah Dissonant Whispers is dope. [Dice Rolls] So that’s a 6… 8… 9. That’s about 9 Damage. So not a whole lot but, it has to fuckin’ flee.

Lilith: OK…. Yeah, yeah, it super does have-… So it kinda recoils away from you. It takes all that damage and then it just kinda like slides beneath the lifter and just kind of, you just kind of see it flow across the ground away from you? And it’s about 30 feet away… Kinda coiled up in a corner. And it is Petua’s turn!

Amanda: Alright, I think that I’m going to cast Eldritch Blast again.

Lilith: Hell Yeah.

Amanda: Love it! Alright, I… [Rolls Dice] Oh! That um… plus 5, so 16!

Lilith: Sixteen hits!

Amanda: Alright, I roll that one d10 force damage [Rolls Dice] Oh! Nice, 7.

Lilith: Seven, ok… Alright, another just, chunk is taken off of this blob which, you actually see it’s starting to kind of reform itself? It looks like sort of… just an incomplete pastiche of a human, like someone tried to put together… A very unskilled sculptor made this little pile of flesh. And Kevin! It is your turn.

Robyn: K, I’m scared of running up to it? And I don’t have any spells or nothin’. I think in this situation Kevin’s gonna just guard himself… Is that a thing I can do?

Lilith: OK!… Yeah.

Amanda: You don’t wanna attack it?

Robyn: I only have a sword! I don’t know, I’m scared if I…

Amanda: You should try and cult it in half!

Robyn: Just try to cut it in half? OK. Screw it, let’s cut it in half.

Amanda: Yeah!

Lilith: OK! You run up to it and you try to cut it in half. Roll that d20 to attack.

Robyn: That’s an 11.

Lilith: Eleven? That just hits. And so you roll the damage die.

Robyn: And that’s 1 Damage.

Lilith: One Damage. Ok. You just, like, take a little sliver off. Just about enough to make a Starburst.

Robyn: Alright…

Amanda: Tasty…

Lilith: And now it is Mikey’s turn.

Cassidy: So it’s just like… basically pressed up against a wall in fear?

Lilith: Mm-Hm!

Cassidy: OK, I do nothing then.

Lilith: Oh! Alright. Um…

Syd: So it’s just a blob with arms?

Lilith: Yeah.

Cassidy: I mean it’s not obviously trying to attack us anymore. If, even if, it was necessarily trying to attack us to begin with.

Lilith: Ok!

Syd: Hmm.

Amanda: It definitely tried to hit Kevin, but yes.

Robyn: It tried to, tried to, yeah.

Lilith: And it tries to do that one more time. It is successful, uh Robyn, what’s your character’s A.C.?

Robyn: 13.

Lilith: Thirteen, ok yeah, it is successful and it does… uh 4 Damage.

Robyn: Oh.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. It just like, smacks like a weird… It definitely feels kind of rubbery as it touches you. But just like an uppercut into Kevin’s chin. And we are back to the top of the order. Electra!

Syd: Ok. I’m using Vicious Mockery.

Lilith: OK.

Syd: There’s no music, it’s just the power imbued within me…. Since it is a Cantra, so….

Lilith: OK. I am feeling that power. I do, since it is Vicious Mockery, I do want you to specifically say what it is you mock.

[Music Fades Softly]

Syd: Yes, right… You’re an abomination, and not even in a cool way!

Lilith: You see just like, an exaggerated cartoon frown just stretch across its face. And that does damage right?

[Assorted giggling]

Syd: Yeah if… if it fails, a Wisdom Saving Throw.

Lilith: OK… Actually looks like, what’s the D.C. on that?

Syd: Oh right… 12?

Lilith: Twelve? Ok. It does pass that.

Amanda: So you’re just very mean to it?

Syd: Yes.

[Music slowly fades back in]


Lilith: So the frown turns upside down. Again it just kinda weirdly, like…. Like somebody’s pushing it around with their fingers? It’s just like-

Syd: Wow.

Lilith: Yeah, yeah. It’s truly upsetting. Petua, it’s your turn.

Amanda: Alright, before I do anything else, I want to address it in the Demon Tongue. And I ask it-

Lilith: OK!

Amanda: Yeah. I ask it, “What are you, who sent you here?”…. Does it respond?

Lilith: Um, you just kinda hear… *growling noises*

Amanda: [Laughs]

Lilith: Which is not in Demon Tongue, by the way!

Amanda: No, but it definitely responded to me. Hmmmm. And I don’t understand the language, obviously.

Lilith: Yeah.

Amanda: I’m just going to yell at it one more time, though…. “Can you understand us?!?”

Lilith: They just, it just, you just kinda see… That hand that clocked Kevin in the jaw? You just kinda see it extend forth? In kind of a, it’s sort of like a Stretch Armstrong thing, where it’s kind of stretching across the room? And then you see, you don’t see ‘fingers’, you see one finger and it’s in the middle. And it just kind of raises up. Right in your face.

Amanda: Alright, if you’re gonna be like that. Great, great, Uh, hey! Other question! Really quick, can I assume this is the same entity that did damage to me through the speakers earlier? Or is that not the thing.

Lilith: I-it, yeah it is.

Amanda: Alright! In that case, I’m going to cast Hellish Rebuke.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Syd: Oooh shit. Nice. Hell Yeah.

Robyn: Fun name.

Lilith: It is a fun name. It’s a very fun spell.

 

Amanda: Yeah, alright. Here! I look at it, say “You know what? That is really unnecessary and I can point fingers too.” And I point my finger, and I- Oh god, let’s see if it hits otherwise that would really be all talk and no…. HA! Alright sorry that was great. It’s a 20, not a natural twenty, but with my stuff it’s a twenty.

Lilith: OK, ok, it definitely hits.

Amanda: Alright, I point my finger, and it is surrounded by flames and it takes 2 d10 Fire Damage.

Cassidy: So wait… You have shit talk so powerful that you can make things catch fire?

Amanda: Oh no, the shit talk was entirely additional, it was not necessary. Although, I do- Look, I will say that I, Petua, doesn’t look like she was- I think she was kind of talking herself into doing the spell as much as she was trying to shit talk this creature.

Lilith: [Laughter]

Amanda: If that makes any sense. Yeah, so, it’s surrounded by hellish flame… And that’s oooh! That’s 10…. And 13 Damage!

[Music Fades]


Lilith: Thirteen damage, ok! You see, just that arm that was like, reaching out to you? It just melts away like a fucking candle. And you see this thing, it’s just kind of on the ground, now kind of looking quite a bit more pitiful and less disgusting? But still very disgusting than when you started and suddenly you hear this rattling as both of the garage doors begin to open.

[Guitar Doors Whirr]

Syd: God.

Lilith: And all you can see behind them is bright white light.

Syd: Hmmm.

Amanda: That’s not supposed to happen at night.

Lilith: You see two green darts. One of them actually misses, the first one, but the second lands right in the neck region of the weird blob that you were fighting? And it kind of freezes.

Robyn: … Thanks!

Cassidy: Like freezes as in stops moving or freezes as is-

Lilith: It just stops moving!

Cassidy: OK.

Syd: … uh, can we see where it came from? Or at least track-

Lilith: It seemed to come from outside!

 

Syd: Hmm.

Amanda: Thanks for the assistance, but who the hell are you I guess?!? Should we ask?

[music starts]


Lilith: So, a woman in a beautiful white turtleneck-

Amanda: Nice.

Lilith: … walks out, yeah I knew that’d be all Petua’s jam.

Amanda: It’s SO her jam.

Lilith: Walks out from the light, she’s holding a gun in one hand. It kind of looks like a dart gun. And she is looking at the four of you, she’s not pointing the gun at you. And she says “… Hello? Who are you?”

[Various murmurs]

Cassidy: Hi I’m Mikey.

Lilith: Hi Mikey!

Robyn: I’m Kevin.

Lilith: Kevin.

Syd: Electra… and same question.

Lilith: Okay… Um, hold on. OK; Electra, Mikey, Kevin, fantastic. You! And she’s looking at Petua particularly interestedly, what’s your name?

Amanda: [audibly flustered] Um… H-hi. Um… M-my name is Petua. That was really great, what you just did there, that was really really good it was-

Lilith: Thanks!

Amanda: I did the, the earlier, yeah-

Lilith: Glad you were impressed.

Amanda: Yeah, no, very impressed. I did the other stuff that you saw earlier, that was me.

Lilith: Well, I wasn’t watching so….

Amanda: Oh… it was really good, trust me, so good…. Uhm, what’s your name.

Lilith: I believe you! I believe you. She offers out a hand to Petua specifically and she says My Name is Anja St. John. And her hand’s kind of held out there.

Amanda: I shake it enthusiastically. Anja! Very nice to meet you. Nice to meet someone who is alright with killing blobs, I guess.

Lilith: Well he’s not, that’s not… That’s not important. What are you doing here, again?

Mikey: We were following the truck balls.

[snorts]

Lilith: Ok, so we’re here for the same rea- Did somebody tell you to go after the truck balls?

Mikey: I mean, they all told me. I just kinda had a feeling that this was what I’m supposed to be doing.

Lilith: That…. I admire your sense of purpose in life Mikey. That’s really… admirable.

Mikey: Thank you! Mikey looks like he actually is taking this compliment very seriously.

Lilith: So everybody else, especially Petua, what… who… why are you here?

Amanda: Well, uh, well, we are… investigating a-

Lilith: You’re with Luci, aren’t you?

[Music promptly stops]

Amanda: [relieved sigh] Oh, thank christ, yes, we are definitely with Luci. Yes, that’s definitely who we’re with.

Lilith: OK… Ok… Hmm. That’s interesting. Didn’t know that her goons would be out here.

Amanda: Oh.

Lilith: Back up, back up, just… chill. You must be new, I haven’t seen y’all before. Again, Anja St. John, I’m with the Lazarus Foundation? If you don’t know who we are, that’s actually… quite probable. We spend a lot of money to make sure you DON’T know who we are, but… um, but anyway–

Cassidy: Well why did you tell us then?

Lilith: That’s a good question Mikey.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Lilith: Keep that- keep that mentality about you, it’s going to get you far in life. And she like–

Cassidy: Ok.

Lilith: [snorts] I really, I really like this kid Mikey. Uh, Petua? She actually pulls out a little business card, and it says on it “Lazarus Foundation, Anja St. John, Head of Security” and it has an email-address and a phone number. Petua, let me know um…. Just let me know, and she just hands you the business card. Then she just kind of turns and calls back, but she calls back to the lights… Alright, bag him, tag him, let’s do this bullshit. And two guys in HAZMAT suits come in, and they like trying to figure out how to get the kind of liquidy body into a bag. It’s very… there’s lots of pratfalls and really good physical humor that nobody can see right now.

Cassidy: I feel like a snow shovel is the right answer there.

Lilith: Anja is like, Mikey you’re so full of good ideas. Really, wow. OK, Mikey? Here’s another card. Here you go. Kevin, Electra?

Mikey: OK.

Lilith: You can get my contact information from those two I guess if you need to…

Syd: I don’t.

Robyn: I get it, Ok.

Amanda: Um, look, look, wait, hey. I think Petua incidentally, when Anja handed her the card I think I was like halfway into my wallet to give her mine and then I think better of it. But uh, I definitely went up to her and kind of nervously bobbing around whatever the two people are doing. I-I I don’t think can do that, I think that’s ours, right? That should be ours, you can’t just take it away!

Lilith: Oh, I absolutely can. That is an interesting misconception, Miss Petua, but no, no. Absolutely can’t do that.

Syd: How did you know about what was transpiring here?

Lilith: Mmmm. Hmmm. Good question, Electra. She’s now kinda helping shovel, into the bag.

Amanda: [sighs] Well, well look, if you’re not going to tell us anything at least take us with you!

Lilith: OK, Petua, as tempting of an offer that is, I am going to have to decline. You are… Hm, how do I… ? Hm… I guess it kind of depends on whose laws you’re following here, but you don’t have jurisdiction here.

Amanda: I-

Lilith: Tell Luci I said buzz off? Um… Aaaand, yeah. And she’s now gathered up all the things, all the blob parts into the bag and she’s carting it back outside.

Amanda: I kinda look back at Electra and Kevin like, Are you cool with this?

Syd: No.

Robyn: No, but I’m not sure if we have much recourse here?

Amanda: [sighs] I… I…

Syd: Jurisdiction? Since when?

Amanda: I mean…

Syd: What does that even mean?

Amanda: I, I, y- [huffs] Mikey what do you think of all this?

Cassidy: I don’t think she likes you very much!

Syd: Well I don’t like her.

Amanda: Yeah…

Cassidy: She seems to like me.

Amanda: Yeah, she does. Well we all like you.

Syd: [muttering to herself] Lazarus… Lazarus…

Cassidy: Thanks!

Lilith: Mikey you’re doing a great job! That was just Anja just yelling out.

Amanda: [laughs]

Syd: Lazarus…

Cassidy: Thank you!

Amanda: I mean, look… If we fucked this up, I mean what if Lucifer never contacts us again? What if this was our last chance to, I don’t know, do right by this world, what we’re supposed to be doing? I don’t want to just let this go. What do you think we should do, should we run after her?

Syd: I think she’ll understa- well… She’ll probably be upset. But this is probably something that happens. I’m not happy about it. It’s very… unnerving.

[Soft music fades in]


Lilith: The lights all shut off, those lights that were outside, the floodlights? And you just see there is a nondescript 18-wheeler outside and Anja is in the passenger side seat. And she’s just waving through the glass as the 18 wheeler–

Cassidy: Mikey waves back.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: Petua kind of, I kinda wave back like, really weakly, as if I didn’t have any idea what my hand was doing like, bye….

Cassidy: Mikey’s on full-on like kindergartner meeting his mom on the first day of school kind of wave. It’s a whole body movement.

Amanda: [under her breath] God.

Lilith: The 18-wheeler pulls away and drives off into that warm Texas night.

[Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass fades in]

[Outro – Music Break

 

(untranscribed lyrics)

 

It’s the fury of the storm

 

It’s the endless falling rain

 

It’s the growing of the dark

 

It’s the thrive of decay

 

It’s the voice of woe

 

It’s the call of the moon

 

It’s the cold retribution

 

The dark rider known as death]

Lilith: Hey there folks, Luci there again with a couple post-show production notes. If you liked this week’s episode, feel free to stop by iTunes or Podchaser and leave us a review. Post about the show on Twitter with the hashtag #GhostpuncherCorps and Lili might name a character after you. All support for Ghost Puncher Corps. Comes from the Ghost Puncher Patreon, which you can join at patreon.com/ghostpuncher and gain access to a host of exclusive content where you can get early access to new episodes for as little as one dollar a month. All music used in this episode of Ghostpuncher Corps was used non-commercially and with attribution, and all links can be found in the description of this episode. Thank you to Skagos for “Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass” the intro and outro of our show. See you again soon!