Transcript – Episode 4

(Transcription by Micha Cavaseno, contact for transcription work here)

[Music Fades In:  Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From the Carcass]

Lilith: Previously, on Ghostpuncher Corps. Torment! Ear-splitting, mind-shattering torment.

Cassidy: OK well Mikey’s gonna push that button unless somebody stops him.

Amanda: Yeah… Coulda called that.

Cassidy: Like I’m walking towards the button right now.

Robyn: I’m fine with this.

Syd: I don’t… know that… we should touch that.

Lilith: It’s like a crushing wave of sound. Penetrating your skull-

Lilith: Ghosts were punched!

Amanda: Her eyes just kind of roll over and she closes them and listens for a second and then she summons this very very intense wave of Eldritch energy.

Syd: I’ve got my bat out, and I’m just 

Lilith: Mystery abound!

Lilith: So a woman in a fucking beautiful white turtleneck walks out, yeah I knew that’d be all Petua’s jam.

My name is Anya St. John, I’m with the Lazarus foundation?

Lilith : So light your torches, ready your blades, and keep an eye out for peril. As we join the adventures of the Ghostpuncher Corps.

[Musical interlude]

Amanda: I slump down to the nearest sittable surface, looking kind of defeated…. Well?

Syd: I’m guessing this is some kind of opposition company. Which, given context is a very strange formatting but….

Amanda: Yeah… No, no shit.

Syd: Seems how this is.
Amanda: [sighs] Well?

Lilith: The uh, that radio crackles once more and you hear Luci’s voice on the other end…

“Uh… Hey guys, how’s it going?”

Syd: [sighs]…. Great.

Cassidy: Hm?

Amanda: Oh now she asks…

Robyn: Uh, the trucknuts aren’t a problem anymore if that’s…

Lilith: “That’s good!”

Robyn: Yeah.

Syd: However, Lazarus-

Lilith: “La-Lazarus! Oh, goddamnit. OK. Uhm… Ok, so. Hm. See that’s, I was tr-, honestly? OK. Hmmm. I guess I should let you in on a couple things. Kind of seems like you guys are pretty confused at this point. Um…”

Cassidy: I’m very confused.

Amanda: Yeah [indecipherable]

Syd: To say the least.

Lilith: “Mikey, that just seems kinda like a state of being for you and I- By the way, Hi Mikey. I’m Luci.”

Cassidy: Hi. I’m Mikey.

Lilith: “Hi Mikey. Um…”

Cassidy: Hi.

Lilith: Hi, uhhhh….

[slight tittering]

Cassidy: Hi. 

Lilith: “OK, Ok, alright. Uh, so this is kind of why I- why I brought you in all uh…. I know it’s quite mysterious, maybe a little disorienting. You didn’t really know what was going on, but I mean, I had-…. I’ve had a number of teams out hunting for the same things that y’all have been hunting for. The uh, kinds of things. Aaaand, I’ve been having some problems with, um, I guess ‘Data Security’ is what we’d call it here. These goddamn motherfucking Lazarus pricks keep… doing exactly what I imagine they just did. They kinda did the whole contagion routine? Showed up, pew pew pew, and take the guy away, is that right?”

Syd: Yeah.

Cassidy: Oh yeah they took that bubblegum guy away, yeah.

Lilith: “Yes…”

Amanda: Yes, they… yes.

Lilith: “OK. Well… Hm. I’d say ‘don’t let them do that in the future’, but I know that’s kind of a big ask considering there’s four of you and it’s like, they’re a multinational corporation. Uh, hmm, OK. I’ll get back to you on what I want you to do the next time Lazarus shows up? But um-”

Amanda: [urgently] Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on.

Lilith: “Yeah?”

Amanda: They’re a multinational corporation. We’re supposed to not let them- I-it seems like you two, pardon me, but it seems like you are, you have the same goal if our job-

Lilith: “Oh Absolutely Not!”

Amanda: So, what are they doing that we wouldn’t have done.

Lilith: “Hmm! Hmm. Hmm… I don’t know exactly what they’re doing? But uh, no multinational corporations have Very different interests and I uh, really don’t fucking trust them.”

Amanda: I, alright, I mean… So you don’t know what it is that they’re doing but you don’t trust them, but they’re killing the same things as you, is that about…?

Lilith: “That… That thing’s not dead.”

Amanda: Ah.

Lilith: “But now that everything’s kind of settled down with Lazarus, or uh with- with the blob, I’m just gonna let y’all mark one in the win column, for this? Nothing you can do about Lazarus, at least, nothing we can do right now. Um, soooo… Why don’t y’all, it’s the middle of the night! Have a nice little look around the uh, the shop that you’re in and I dunno, if you can steal something! I dunno. Anyway, peace!” 

And then the radio crackles and turns off.

Syd: [whispered] Lazarus… who’s up top?

Amanda: Up top? You mean the CEO of Lazarus?

Syd: Yeah… How did they get this information? How did they get ANY of this information? About anything that they intercept.

Amanda: Well, I would really like to know that too, because if they’ve harnessed whatever it is that’s out there… I don’t know. And I think that Petua sticks the business card deep into her pocket and just kind of goes quiet.

Lilith: You look through Jackie’s Customs and you found a number of modifications for the winnebago that Kevin, you work through the night to attach to the winnebago. Does anyone wanna give me a summary, where did y’all land on what those modifications were gonna be?

Amanda: Alright. So, well, we chose updating our winnebago to go with Improved Tires which is a +2 to Vehicle Handling checks, a bagel-maker called the Winne-Bagel which produces 4 Bagels at the beginning of each day, each Bagel can be used each day to recover 1 d4 HP. The Fuzzy Dice, which is also a style play but it does 2 per day add 1 d6 per handling check. And then we’re also going with, because Elektra is very into it, the Exterior Mounted Subwoofer which allows bards to cast from within the winnebago at a x2 range. So we’re getting onto our Mad Max shit, basically.

Lilith: Yeah. Awesome.

Amanda: Yeah… it’s literally her jam.

Syd: That’s my jam.

Lilith: Now, while you were going around Jackie’s Customs, Kevin you did spot a corporate purchasing credit card just kinda sitting out on the desk.

Robyn: … Oh!

Amanda: [laughs]

Lilith: Did you do anything about that?

Robyn: Yeah. Yeah I [stammers] I put it in my pocket.

Lilith: Hell yeah you did, perfect. You’ve got that credit card.

Robyn: Nice.

Lilith: You can write that down… That may come up in the future! Um, so… You’re all set up. You all pile into the Winnebago with all of it’s new fancy modifications and you peel away from Jackie’s Customs; well in time to get away before they come back and realize that a bunch of their shit has been stolen and there was also apparently some weird play-doh fight in the garage last night. Let’s see! Who takes the wheel? I feel like Mikey keeps doing that but uh… yeah I don’t know!

Syd: There is the Jesus option.

Lilith: Um! [raps on wood] Jesus is actually, Jesus only gets included in the DLC so I’m actually gonna need like, 4.99 from y’all, if you want Jesus to take the wheel.

Syd: Gotcha.

Amanda: Oh god…. Did she tell us to come back? Did we like, were we ordered to report back or what?

Lilith: No, no, she actually said… I was actually asking about who took the wheel because, once you got in the car, once you started driving, the radio actually crackled on to life and she just kind of “Oh hey, just, real quick. I don’t have all the details for your next job quite nailed down yet, but just start heading to Arizona… K?”

Amanda: I mean it’s pretty big, is there a part of it you wanted us to aim for?

Lilith: “Well I mean you’re in Texas so-”

Cassidy: What’s an Arizona

Lilith: “Start… start driving left.”

[Radio Crackle]

Amanda: All right.

Syd: Did you say ‘What IS Arizona’ or ‘What’s IN Arizona’?

Cassidy: What’s Arizona.

Syd: Ok.

Amanda: It’s a kind of arid zone.

Cassidy: That makes sense.

Syd: … Holy shit. You just blew Elektra’s mind.

Amanda: [Laughs] Wordplay! Yeah, I think whoever’s least tired should take the wheel, we’ve all just had a big day. If anyone wants to drive, I don’t know, Mikey it seems your purview but if you want a break we can definitely chill out on that.

Cassidy: Mikey’s ok to drive.

Amanda: Alright Mikey. Then I guess Mikey’s driving to Arizona.

Lilith: OK. So, you’re driving to Arizona-

Cassidy: What does the Arizona look like? I’m imagining like a really big lizard.

Amanda: I mean, y’know, that’s not totally inaccurate.

Syd: Well….

Amanda: Well… it’s rectangular. And, I mean, on the map it’s usually kind of red, but I’m not really sure. Actually I haven’t ever been to Arizona so, I just kind of know what I’ve seen from y’know, images and stuff. I think you’ll-

Cassidy: Mikey is imagining a giant, fearsome red cube. This is the idea you’ve put into his head.

Amanda: [Snickers] Good.

Syd: It’s more trapezoidal.

Lilith: Is it?

Amanda: It’s sort of a general amorphous polygon. Yeah…

Lilith: Yeah… Ok, well, anyway-

Cassidy: Mikey doesn’t know what the words ‘amorphous polygon’ mean but they scared him.

[Assorted Laughter]

Amanda: I think that’s kind of a summary of the relationship between Mikey and Petua so far is that I just keep saying shit, and the fantasy just starts to unfold. All these terrifying words, alright.

Lilith: So you’re driving down the highway, and I need uh, all around the party I need Constitution saving throws.

[Assorted groans and dice rolls]

Amanda: [Nervous Laughter]

Syd: Nice, Nice. That is a… 19.

Lilith: OK.

Amanda: That would be a 5.

Lilith: OK.

Cassidy: Uh, 15.

Lilith: OK.

Robyn: And a 16.

Lilith: Sixteen, ok. Not to get too crass, or anything like that, but Mikey and Petua, you need to pee.

Robyn: Um…

[Assorted Snickers]

Lilith: And Mikey you spot on the side of the road, at the next exit, a big colorful sign for a “Uncle Stickey’s House of Humors”

Cassidy: I mean, as soon as Mikey realized he had to pee he slammed on the breaks.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: Wait, just wait… Stopped in the middle of the highway!?!?

Cassidy: [nonchalantly] Yeah.

Lilith: OK!

Cassidy: From the perspective of everybody else, suddenly Mikey slammed on the breaks. Everything shifted, stuff fell over, the winnebago screeched to a halt. He opened the door and Mikey walked off the road, squatted for a minute, and then came back. And kept driving.

[Continued Laughter]

Lilith: [Chuckling] Okay!

Syd: Tha-that tracks.

Lilith: Yeaaaah… You know what that does….

Amanda: Yeah, that does track… I mean… I won’t be doing that.

Syd: Uhm, when you say ‘House of Humours’, is that spelled with a ‘u’?

Lilith: It IS spelled with a ‘u’!

Syd: So like, ‘the four humors’ as in.

Lilith: I mean-

Cassidy: No, that’s just how you spell humour.

Syd: Oh well there’s a- Ok. Wait is there a… Is both of them spelled that way?

Cassidy: They are here.

Amanda: Nah, I think there is ‘h-u-m-o-u-r’ right?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah.

Syd: Yeah, as The Four Humors.

Amanda: Mhmm.

Lilith: Which is also I believe just the… it’s–

Amanda: The British way of spelling it?

Lilith: Right, right, it’s one of those.

Cassidy: No it’s the correct way to spell it.

[Assorted Laughter]

Robyn: [Re-Affects the Twang] But we’re in Arizona.

Lilith: … What?

Amanada: I mean, are we? I don’t think we’re there yet.

Lilith: No, no, you’re still- You’re actually in New Mexico at this point.

Robyn: Ohhh.

Lilith: You’re, you’re poppin’ down–

Cassidy: Where’s the Old Mexico?

Syd: It’s down south.

Cassidy: Oh. That makes sense.

Lilith: So, I guess Mikey didn’t need to pull over to pee but uh, Mikey does take notice of this sign for Uncle Stickey’s–

Cassidy: What’s on the sign?

Lilith: Its… lot of bright colors?

Cassidy: Oooh!

Lilith: And it says “Uncle Stickey’s House of Humours” and

Cassidy: Mikey can’t read. Like, what’s on the sign, are there pictures?

Lilith: There’s smiley faces… And a seal with a little hat!

Cassidy: Cool.

Amanda: Oh that’s very good.

Cassidy: OK, Mikey excitedly points at the sign to everybody and asks y’all what it says.

Amanda: Ah, well, I guess it’s Uncle Stickey’s House of Humours, but I wonder if they have a bathroom, because I really have to stop.

Cassidy: I just stopped back there! Why didn’t you go?

Amanda: Uh, well, I mean. I probably could have but it’s not really my jam. There’s not enough, y’know, not enough vegetation around here to squat in for my personal needs. So I think the House of Humors is probably the best bet. Is there any way you could pull over Mikey?

Cassidy: Ok.

Amanda: Thank you.

Lilith: So you screech to a hall in the parking lot of Uncle– And I want to mention It’s spelled Stickey: ‘S-T-I-C-K-E-Y’…? Like the name not the adjective.

Syd: Yeah, it’s a surname… His Christian name.

Lilith: Yeah! Yeah it… Exactly. And it is a gas station/convenience store on one end and then there is just this, it’s built into the same building, but it’s this kind of nondescript- well…. I say nondescript but it is not especially stylized, but it’s very brightly colored in like, red and green and blue and all of those other colors too. It’s just fuckin… it’s just like, screaming with pigment at you. Uh, yeah!

Cassidy: Is that the Arizona?

Amanda: No, that is not the Arizona. If that was where we were supposed to hang out I don’t think I could handle it.

Lilith: Oh, and there is a sign outside that building that says “Uncle Stickey’s House of Humours”.

Amanda: Good.

Lilith: And there’s actually a restroom at the gas station side.

Amanda: Oh good, ok. Petua runs in there for sure… I mean, if that’s allowed. [Chuckle]

Lilith: Oh, absolutely. No first you need to get a key from the attendant–

Amanda: I mean do I need to make a piss check or what?!

Lilith: [laughs]

Amanda: Can I just go?

Lilith: No, you’re good, you’re ‘gone’.

Amanda: Good!

Lilith: I don’t wanna get TOO bogged down in that, I just wanted to get y’all off the highway.

Amanda: Ok, good.

Syd: This isn’t GURPS

Lilith: You’re outside Uncle Stickey’s. What do you do while Petua’s in the restroom?

Cassidy: Mikey just kind of gets out to wander around and have a look.

Lilith: Right on. Which, I mean, there’s just kinda… I don’t know if you’ve ever, well I actually know that you haven’t been in, just like, kinda middle of nowhere New Mexico but there’s just kind of dirt and bushes in most directions and um…

Cassidy: I’m from Alberta, I’m familiar with dirt and bushes in every direction

Lilith: They’re very, they’re a lot drier dirt and bushes. So….

Amanda: Delicious!

Syd: Oh dear…

Amanda: Ok, wait, hold on really quickly? This conversation made me have to pee, so I’ll be right back.

Lilith: Oh god, OK.

[Musical Fanfare]

Robyn: It’s literally just us right now? Yeah.

Amanda: Oh, dope, what happened?

Robyn: Uh, everybody else decided that now would be a good time to pee.

Amanda: Oh god, this is bad! We can’t have any more pee related plotlines in our podcast! Because otherwise, this could- This rich piss tapestry that Lilith’s going to be weaving for us is going to be making us go to the bathroom.

Robyn: Oh man.

Lilith: I came back to rich piss tapestry, that…

Amanda: [Laughs]

Robyn: That’s what your weaving for us!

Amanda: Its, you’re weaving a rich piss tapestry as I was saying…

Lilith: [laughs]

Amanda: I was saying if you’re going to continue weaving this rich piss tapestry for us, A: I really am happy ‘cause it means that I can keep saying that and it just rolls off the tongue but also there’s just gonna be a lot of Pavlovian responses here?

Lilith: I’ll just cut back in here? Uh, I talked about the characters having to pee and uh, about 2 minutes later we all needed to pee. Sooo uhm…

Amanda: Soo….

Lilith: Yeah.

Robyn: I did some fun stuff with my alone time. You might wanna leave it in, I dunno.

Lilith: OH–

Amanda: I don’t wanna, No. We don’t wanna know.

Robyn: I’m lying, I’m lying.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: OK Good. Whatever piss related stuff you did that didn’t involve going to the bathroom, we don’t wanna know.

Robyn: You’re right.

Cassidy: I came into this conversation at a weird point.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Lilith: I mean… There haven’t been a lot of great points to jump into this one to be perfectly honest.

Robyn: Oh boy. This has just been a weird conversation.

Amanda: Ohhhh…

Syd: Alright I’m back.

Lilith: Oh cool! Cool, cool, everyone’s back now. Awesome. Soo… Elektra, Kevin and Mikey. The three of you are outside um, Uncle Stickey’s. Yeah, whaddya do?

Cassidy: What’s the brightest, shiniest thing around?

Lilith: Uhm… There’s like, hm. You know what? Honestly, just because it’s the thing that gets a lot of use, there’s a doorbell? That’s the brightest shiniest thing.

Cassidy: I’ll go press the doorbell.

[doorbell rings]

Lilith: Ok, great. Great. And you hear from inside, kind of a ding-dong and…

Cassidy: I press the doorbell again.

[Doorbell rings]

Lilith: Oh and there’s another one!

Cassidy: Again.

[doorbell rings]

Amanda: [laughs]

Lilith: Oh, and there’s another one and–

Cassidy: Again.

[Doorbell Rings]

Lilith: Ok, a man comes out of the front door to Uncle Stickey’s and he’s: Oh. Y’know, I kind of expected someone younger! To be perfectly honest.

Cassidy: I press the button again.

[Doorbell Rings]

Lilith: Yeah, yeah, that’s the doorbell. Boy, what’s your name?

Cassidy: I’m Mikey.

Lilith: Hello Mikey, could you please stop doing that.

Cassidy: Oh ok.

Lilith: Wonderful! Wonderful, OK. Um, was there something you needed?

Cassidy: … No.

Lilith: Oh, ok. Um, do you want to come inside and have a look around?

Cassidy: Sure!

Lilith: OK! And he opens the door, gesturing for all of you to come inside. I’m gonna say, Petua, this is about when you-

Amanda: Yeah I was about to say, this is when Petua comes back around the corner, much relieved.

Lilith: You come in, and you find it… Have you ever been in a gift shop before? It’s one of those.

Amanda: Oh yeah… oh dear.

Lilith: The Same 18 shirts. Yeah, yeah. There’s a teddy bear hugging an American flag. Snow globes… Lotta, lotta r–

Cassidy: Mikey is fascinated with the snow globes.

Lilith: There’s one that has uh, the city of Albuquerque in it.

Amanda: Wait, the- Oh the- I forgot that were talking about snow globes, and so I was like ‘Wait, what?’

Lilith: [laughs]

Amanda: Is there that same rack that sells the same brand of incense that every single gift shop ever… ? Because that’s a thing, I don’t know if you know that that’s a thing… Yeah.

Lilith: Absolutely… Yeah, yeah there is.

Cassidy: I’ve never seen that in gift shops.

Amanda: Oh my god, every gift shop of every state park has the same brand of incense and it’s like a thing. Anyways…

Cassidy: Why incense, that’s so strange.

Amanda: Yeah, I’m not really sure. I mean, I think it might be a recent development but like, it’s become this kind of running joke with my friends that we buy this one specific thing of incense whenever we go hiking, I don’t know. I don’t know with incense after you’re sweaty and just have some snot-nosed kids you just took to like, a picnic. But I guess that’s the time for it, anyways.

Lilith: Yeah! Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah.

Lilith: So you look around, you see all these things. You also see a woman who is, you’re sure like… I don’t know how good everybody is at estimating heights but you’re like, ok, 7 feet tall at the very least. And she is built, and she is like–

Syd: … hhhi.

Lilith: …moving boxes and just kind of wearing like a sleeveless shirt. And the man who greeted you before who you notice he looks to be about in his 60s, he’s… he looks old, but kind of intense in a really weird way? His eyes almost appear dead at first glance but when you look into them, you realize that this man can peer into your soul with a fleeting glance.

Amanda: Do all of us just go up and look at him in the eyes and make that conclusion independently of each other or something…? Right, right.

Lilith: No no, it just kind of occurs to you… Yeah, yeah.

Cassidy: I think that’s a way, way bigger thought than Mikey is capable of having about another person.

Lilith: So, Ok, specifically for Mikey. Mikey, you, he, it literally reminds him of the man with the snow shovel from the first Home Alone movie.

Cassidy: Wait, what year did that come out? I don’t know if that’s within Mikey’s range of stuff that he’s experienced.

Lilith: Shit!

Syd: Was it like, ‘93?

Cassidy: Oh yeah, then it totally wouldn’t have.

Lilith: Oh goddamnit! OK–

Syd: 1990.

Cassidy: Mikey has been with the Sasquatches since 1990… yep.

Lilith: Since 1990. Ok, ok. Damn, OK. Well…

Cassidy: He was born in 1985 if anyone cares.

Lilith: I was born in ‘91 babe, I gotta pull these references uh… What is the 5 years earlier version of the guy with the snow shovel from the first Home Alone movie?

Cassidy: It’s– it doesn’t matter, let’s move on.

Lilith: Ok. Anywho, he stands behind the counter of the cash register and you see on the cash register a little like taped on, printed out sign that says “ASK ME ABOUT UNCLE STICKEY’S SECRET TEAMWORK TREASURE CLUB CHALLENGE”. Wow, I wrote that one and it took a grip to get it out. OK.

Syd: Wow.

Lilith: Yeah. Uncle Stickey’s Secret Teamwork Treasure Club Challenge, there we go!

Syd: Uh, Elektra’s interested in that… tall woman? Just as a, as a…

Cassidy: Interested in what way?

Syd: Well like, about what age would you say is…

Lilith: Uh, she looks to be, about I would say like… 30?

Syd: Ok. Physically attracted sort of way.

Cassidy: Mikey’s still looking at snow globes.

[Music starts to fade in]

Lilith: Welcome, welcome! Welcome to my House of Humours.

Amanda: Oh god…

Lilith: He’s kind of waving his arms around.

Amanda: The guy who let us in?

Lilith: Yeah the guy who let you in.

Amanda: Ah, a ‘house of humours’. Is that supposed to be about, are those things funny or what?

Lilith: Well, I mean, some of those postcards… they got, pretty good little ribs on ‘em.

Amanda: … do they?

Lilith: I- I assure you, they do!

Amanda: Petua walks over and picks up a postcard. Just doesn’t really break eye-contact.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Cassidy: Mikey’s looking at the postcards now too.

Lilith: Uh… Shit, now I have to come up with a postcard on the fly! Ah, fuck!

Cassidy: Mikey picks up one with a er… Bikini-Lady on it, which says ‘Wish you were her!’.
[Assorted Snorts]

Lilith: Thank y- Yes…

Cassidy: What’s this say? Is this funny?

Amanda: Petua looks at it. Uh… I mean it depends on what your definition of funny is but I’m gonna say no…. I mean, it’s just a postcard. Unfortunately.

Cassidy: Oh.

Petua: I kinda look back up at the guy. So, you sell… what here? I mean, is this place a destination around here, are there tourists around here? Or is this just a rest shop?

Lilith: Well it’s a, it’s a rest shop, a gift shop and well, it could be a whole lot more!

Robyn: So, is this like a Eyes Wide Shut thing, or… Scientology… ?

Lilith: Oh, uh… we don’t get HBO around here.

Amanda: Oh God.

Lilith: It’s just a little rest shop! We do have, we do have ‘Uncle Stickey’s Secret Teamwork Treasure Club Challenge’! And of course, ‘Uncle Stickey’s Secret Teamwork Treasure Club’, which you get entrance to as part of the challenge. The aforementioned challenge. Which I’m not gonna say it yet.

Amanda: Right. Is there an acronym you can start adopting or something? Anyways…

Lilith: [Laughs]

Cassidy: Woah, what’s an acronym? That sounds dangerous.

Syd: They can be.

Amanda: Oh. Yeah, sometimes they can be.

Lilith: It’s a way of shortening your speech and I love the sound of my own voice so, fuck that.

Amanda: Alright, well, it sounds like you- Wait a minute. I kinda look back at everybody, and then I look back at the guy. What is the nature of this club challenge?

Lilith: Ah yes, my humble treasure club, I’m so glad you asked.

Amanda: Well, you kind of led me into it, so.

Lilith: I-I feel that was very organic, actually! I feel there was–

Amanda: [Laughs]

Cassidy: No, you mentioned it like, four times.

Lilith: Alright, well! Uhm. [clears throat] At the beginning all participants are allowed and encouraged to purchase items from Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Chest. In order to join Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Club, you must pass Uncle Sticky’s Treasure Club Initiation Challenge, administered by yours truly and my darling niece Bernice. He points to the–

Cassidy: Are you Uncle Stickey?

Lilith: I am Uncle Stickey, that is. Yes…. Hello Mikey.

Cassidy: Oh, that makes sense…. I’m Mikey.

Syd: The tall lady, Bernice,.

Cassidy: Hello.

Lilith: Yes, yes. The tall lady–

Cassidy: Hello Bernice. Mikey waves at Bernice.

Robyn: H-Hey, what’s up.

Cassidy: I’m Mikey.

Syd: Elektra also waves at Bernice…. Hi.

Lilith: H-Hey.

Amanda: Well, alright. So we have a treasure chest…

Lilith: Yes. And the challenge–

Cassidy: Like a Pirate?

Lilith: Yes, very similar to a pirate. Except–

Cassidy: Mikey’s eyes light up.

Lilith: Yes. The challenge that you must endure as a team-building exercise, but I prefer to think of it as the ecstatic annihilation of the barriers between you and your teammates!

Amanda: …. I’m gonna go wait in the car.

[Assorted Laughter]

Lilith: If you pass, you keep your items, and you now have lifetime membership to Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Club where you will be able to purchase items from any one of my fantastic roadside attractions that pepper this damned nation.

Amanda: Ahhhh. OK. I think I see where this is going, alright. So y–

Lilith: And if you fail, you will be forced to surrender all of your purchases, by way of Bernice. I’ve taken a snap bracelet from a crying toddler, I don’t give a shit, try me.

Amanda: … That’s…

Syd: Elektra blushes.

Amanda: Yeah, nothing like manhandling children to really get it goin’! Uh, oh god, well, alright. I kind of shrug; I mean, we don’t have- I look back at y’know, Kevin, Elektra and Mikey. We don’t really have any supplies, I mean, and if we could avoid perpetrating credit fraud for as long as possible it might be worthwhile to see what this could, y’know, do for us? What do you guys think?

Robyn: We get 4 bagels a day right?

Cassidy: I wanna find the treasure.

Amanda: Yeah, man cannot live on bagels alone so, and I think Mikey’s into it. We should throw him a bone, he’s been really good about driving us this whole time so…

Syd: Treasure Hunts do sound good but… Yeah.

Cassidy: [Hyperactively] Like pirates! Like a parrot on your shoulder, or your hook hand!

Amanda: Oh yeah, definitely.

Syd: What was that movie, with Cyndi Lauper…

Amanda: Oh god. I definitely don’t know…

Syd: [sotto voce] I’m talking about Goonies but…

Amanda: Oh, OHHH. WAIT. HOLD ON, THE MOVIE–

Cassidy: Cyndi Lauper is in The Goonies?

Syd: She does a couple of the songs.

Cassidy: I did not know that.

Amanda: How is Cyndi Lauper your touchstone into The Goonies? That’s a deep dive.

Lilith: I mean I feel that that would be Elektra

Syd: Cause that’s Elektra…. Yeah.

Amanda: Oh it’s Elektra, alright, alright. That’s actually excellent alright. I’m sorry for ruining your character moment with my incredulity about Cyndi Lauper. Yeah. I mean, I- Yeah. I’d love to go, just like in that movie as well, to hunt for the treasure. If that’s ok with everybody.

Syd: If it doesn’t take too long I guess, we were kind of… on the way to… something.

Amanda: An indeterminate direction? Yeah, no, I think we’re good. I didn’t really sense urgency… Yeah.

Syd: Alright.

Lilith: OK… Well, so first I will allow you and I heard you mention Miss… What was your name again, Petua?

Amanda: Yes, Petua.

Lilith: Uhm, I heard you mention something about credit fraud. I hope–

[Nervous stammers]

Lilith: I hope things were okay.

Amanda: [Loudly] Oh that was actually a joke!  No that was a joke.

Lilith: Oh… Got it.

Amanda: You should put it on a postcard, it’s very funny if you think about it for a very long time.

Syd: Ah! Metaphorical.

Lilith: And he just like moves over and he’s just writing into, he’s got like a word document that just says ‘Postcard Ideas’ and he just jots that down real quick: credit card fraud. I will find the joke later. As I was saying, in the beginning you are allowed to purchase items from Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Chest. You will still have to purchase them but you will have them available for use during your first challenge, and if you win, forevermore. And he hands you this laminated sheet of paper that has…

Syd: Ooh, laminated.

Lilith: Yeah. It has this list of gear and… Yeah, it’s got prices listed on there and you have your pick. I’ll let y’all peruse for a second.

Amanda: Oooh, I know what I want.

Lilith: Yeah, is there anything jumping out at you?

Amanda: Yeah I want those shades. Absolutely I want those shades. I mean they’re black, right?

Lilith: Yeah, they’re black.

Amanda: Yeah I want the shades.

Syd: Well then that confirms it for me, because that was my secondary pick! Can anyone guess what my primary pick is?

Amanda: Hmmm. Maybe the Compressor?

Syd: Yeah.

Lilith: Right on… Right on.

Amanda: Shocker.

Robyn: Kevin really wants the 4Loko.

Amanda: This is such- This is so good.

Syd: Oh sh- That Password Cracker though… Shit.

Cassidy: Is this just like a list of stuff?

Lilith: Yeah this is a list of stuff.

Cassidy: OK I–

Amanda: Petua goes over and reads it to, I go over and talk to Mikey. Hey Mikey, we’ve got some stuff here, the treasure that’s gonna be in the chest.

Cassidy: OK.

Amanda: I don’t know if I should do this out loud, over the podcast but I think Petua reads Mikey–

Cassidy: No I want you to, I want to hear what you’re telling Mikey. Like I want to know how Petua is phrasing each of these things.

Amanda: Alright. We’re doing this then.

Cassidy: ‘Cause, A lot of these words on these page, he’s not gonna understand.

Amanda: Alright. Well all of these items, in the pirate chest, right? Well they do different things. They can help us while we go around. So it looks like, there’s a collar. Have you ever seen a collar before Mikey?

Cassidy: Yeah. Yeah, like a dog wears.

Amanda: Yeah it helps you when you’re-… It stops things from hurting you.

Cassidy: Oh, OK!

Amanda: And um, if you eat a berry that hurts your stomach, it’ll help you out with that.

Cassidy: I don’t eat those berries, I know how to avoid them.

Amanda: Yeah. No definitely, uh, alright. And then there’s this electronic thing, I think Elektra’s probably going to want that, but it helps, it’ll help her to play her music a little bit better. Compressor, and it’s a steel battery powered effects pedal, and allows a bard to reroll on any one spellcasting roll. So there are some Night-Vision Goggles. Have you ever, I don’t know, when the sun goes down Mikey, if you can see still?

Cassidy: Oh yeah, I can see.

Amanda: Ok, so you probably won’t need those, but it’ll help you out if anybody who does. The other thing is though, if somebody tries to attack your eyes it’ll help you out there. So maybe that will be good ‘cause y’know, being able to see, that’s pretty good.

Cassidy: OK.

Amanda: Yeah. Then there’s oh let’s see, there’s a bandana, it’s a piece of fabric, it’s called the Real Tree Bandana. And it’ll be tied over, oh it’ll, well… OK. If you’re outside, right?

Cassidy: Uh-huh?

Amanda: And you have to sneak around, it might help you be a little more quiet.

Cassidy: Oh I’m really good at being quiet.

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and then there’s a drink! It’s called 4Loko, it’s the banned formula. There used to be a drink that–

Lilith: Hell yeah! [Chuckles]

Amanda: Yeah! And it’ll help you wake up if you pass out.

Cassidy: OK.

Amanda: Yeah and y’know there’s some other things that’ll happen but that’ll be the gist of it. And oooh! I think, Petua looks at the laser pointer, there’s a Laser Pointer! 

Cassidy: What’s a Laser Pointer.

Amanda: Well it’s a dot. Um, Y’know, it’s a very very small light? And you can point it anywhere you want.

Cassidy: Mikey just looks at you totally blankly.

Syd: You can shoot it up into the sky and make airplane pilots crash!

Amanda: I think pulls out her, she has a wristwatch and she kind of lets it catch the sun? And the reflection just kind of darts around the ceiling of this place. Like that Mikey but smaller and red.

Cassidy: Oh OK.

Amanda: Yeah… And then there’s a pair of sunglasses, which I think I’m gonna get, and they uh, you see through illusions or anything that’s not real. Well, not really I guess but they’re gonna help me figure out if there’s anything that’s not right?

Cassidy: OK.

Amanda: And then there’s the uh, password cracker. Which, oooh, that could be interesting. So, this might not be your jam either Mikey but do you remember when we were at the police station and they had that computer there…? Yeah so this will help us if we ever need to break into any of those.

Cassidy: I mean, that thing didn’t look very strong. I bet I could break into it.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah, no that wasn’t one of the good ones.

Cassidy: Ohhh, OK. Like there’s bigger ones.

Amanda: Bigger… Well sometimes the better ones are actually smaller, which is pretty crazy, but yes. And then there’s some Body Oil which will help, uh, that might be good too. It’ll help you move quicker I guess, and uh you can’t, if you wash it off it doesn’t work anymore but yeah it’ll help you move more freely. And then, hmmm. There’s a… Pierre Pinkenelly’s Hammer. Petua kind of frowns at this one. It’s a hammer that is a, mm, I’m sorry. It, uh, it helps you… attack I guess. And I kind of look up from the list. Is that, sorry could you… ? I go over to the guy who was talking to us and I uh…

Lilith: Yes! Yes, was there something you needed?

Amanda: Uh, t-this hammer… that’s not really, what can you–

Lilith: Everything on the list is 100% guaranteed to be just as listed and 125% listed at manufacturer retail price!

Amanda: …. Really?

Lilith: Yes! These are the privileges you get when you join Uncle Stickey’s Treasure Club or whatever it was.

Amanda: So, so you’re telling me- Alright, wait.

Cassidy: I like to imagine that he just ended the sentence that way. Like, he just can’t even remember what he makes his own thing called.

Amanda: Oh god… So, Petua looks deeply disturbed by the fact that Pierre Pinkenelly’s Hammer is on sale for 249.99. And the list, I just have the list crumpled up in my hand and I say Um… While I definitely am in, do you guys, here… And I just hand the list to everyone and go quiet. Um, yeah. So that’s my jam right now.

Lilith: You can buy as many things as you want, there’s no limit… ! I mean, I suppose there’s a limit on your credit card but…

Syd: Oh, right… It is definitely not fraudulent.

Amanda: No. No!

Lilith: Yes. Your completely above board credit card!

Amanda: I, I think…. Yes. I might try and buy this one with cash actually. Paper trails… not really my thing for something this important. I want the hammer! And I also definitely want the shades, but the hammer… I just want to see it, do you have it here with you!?

Lilith: He brings the hammer out and he sets it down on the counter. Yeah, you can take a swing with it and you can do whatever you like. But y’know, gotta pay for it.

Amanda: Yeah. Petua just holds the hammer. Well! If you guys want to buy anything… go hog-wild.

Syd: Yeah I’m definitely into the Compressor and the Password Cracker.

Lilith: OK… Um, Mikey anything catch your fancy?

Cassidy: Mikey doesn’t really know what, despite having these things described, doesn’t have any real sense of what’s going to be useful, so… He’s just going to pass that decision on to other people.

Lilith: Mkay. And did anything pique Kevin’s interest?

Robyn: Oh I mean, he’s all over that 4Loko.

Lilith: Ok. Yeah, yeah. Um…

Amanda: Uh, I think that Petua gets him the Laser Pointer just so he can know what it is.

Cassidy: Can we- Can I ask why this laser pointer is SIXTY DOLLARS?!?

Lilith: [Laughs]

Syd: Very Powerful.

Amanda: It’s very good.

Cassidy: Is it like one of those extreme lasers, burns through paper, those kind of things?

Syd: It’s like 1, 1 watt.

Lilith: It’s, it is… it’s pretty good? But it’s very overpriced. So I’ve totalled up your total and looks like we’re going to be… It’s about uh, $769. Is that going to be cash or credit?

Syd: Nice.

Amanda: Credit.

Robyn: Credit.

Lilith: OK, OK. And he, I assume you pull out the store purchasing card?

Robyn: Of course.

Amanda: Uh, yeah but wait a second? I do definitely buy Mikey a snow globe also.

Lilith: Awwwww!

Cassidy: Mikey wants the one that has the most trees in it.

Amanda: Yeah.

Syd: Awwww!

Lilith: There’s one, this is just me editorializing here, but there’s a beautiful one with I don’t know if you’ve ever been in the forests outside of Santa Fe, just gorgeous. And yeah, there’s a snow globe, despite the fact that it doesn’t really snow a lot up there but, whatever.

Cassidy: I mean it doesn’t really snow up in Albuquerque either, but that was still the first one you mentioned.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Robyn: Kevin also buys a hand-picked stack of postcards.

Lilith: Hell yes, ok, cool.

Syd: Uh, what kind of pickled goods we got here?

Cassidy: Can I have this too? You turn around and Mikey’s got a novelty T-shirt which is just… a pug’s face, but over the entire shirt.

Lilith: [Chuckling] God…

Syd: Are there any of those rusty metal rifle that says “We Don’t Call The Cops”?

Amanda: Jesus.

Lilith: Oh, Jesus… So, yes to the pug shirt. Yes to the weird cut-out rifle because I know what you’re fucking talking about and those things terrify me. And…

Syd: They’re awful.

Lilith: Ok, OK, he’s totalled it all up its 869 dollars, it always just keeps ending in sixty-nine!

Syd: Nice.

Lilith: And so he says Could I have that credit card please?

Robyn: Yyyyep.

Lilith: Ok, so he takes the card and I… um… Kevin I need you to just roll me a d20.

Robyn: Ok…. That is a 5….

Amanda: Uh-oh..

Lilith: [wincing] Oooh…

Robyn: Hmmm. How am I gonna do this.

Amanda: Well, wait a minute, hold on one second!

Lilith: Yes.

Amanda: I have a very difficult time believing that between the four of us, none of us have any money, right? I mean, we must have something. We probably rolled for, I don’t know some sort of PP for dollar conversion rate? Is

Lilith: Yeah I don’t know, I don’t know….  It’s kinda, I mean, I would imagine….

Cassidy: I have this. Mikey reaches into his back pocket and just pulls out a leather wallet and hands it to you.

Lilith: Honestly? Ok. So I’m going through the party right now? And we’ve got ‘mechanic’, ‘raised by sasquatches’, and ‘Soundcloud musician’ so yeah, I would say that Petua is probably the only one who is Not flat broke.|

Amanda: Actually wait–

Cassidy: Well Mikey has all the stuff that was in the winnebago.

Lilith: That’s true.

Amanda: Oh, OK. I take the wallet from Mikey, and open it.

Cassidy: It’s clearly not Mikey’s wallet.

Amanda: Yeah, Um… What, ok, could I, could I play some… Yeah.

Lilith: Go ahead. Nonono, there’s a couple credit cards, couple… there’s a few 20s in there.

Amanda: Mhmm. Well, alright. I pull out one of the credit cards and hand it to uh, Uncle Stickey.

Lilith: Oh good, you have another card, because there was a problem with that. Here, Kevin, was it?

Amanda: Oh yeah. Yes.

Lilith: Here you go. You might want to call your bank about that one.

Amanda: Mm-Hmm. See that’s why we joke about credit fraud, because it’s happened to us, and we’re just trying to cope. Um, anyways….

Lilith: Oh, that’s very, very understandable.

Syd: Ohhhhh yes…. Yes.
Lilith: Oh jeez. Oh god. Ok just… Again, for the people at home, Cassidy just threw an image into the discord of a…

Cassidy: If any of you are familiar with themountain.com? That’s where you need to go for all your t-shirt needs.

Lilith: I will include a link in the description of the podcast where you can purchase that for 22 American Dollars.

Cassidy: That’s a fucking steal, and you know it.

Lilith: I mean….

Cassidy: That’s a lot of pug face for twenty-two bucks.

Lilith: It’s, it’s…

Syd: It’s a whole body!

Cassidy: That’s at least 50 dollars of pug face.

Amanda: It’s a very good pug face.

Lilith: I mean, if, if we’re just going pound for pound on pug face then yes, it’s a great deal. Amanda, I do need you to roll a d20.

Amanda: OK. Don’t fail me now dice-a-roni. [rolling dice] Ohhh! Do I add anything to it?

Lilith: Not that you know of.

Amanda: It’s an 18!

Lilith: OK! Ok. Oh, it looks like that transaction went through. Congratulations, here are your items. And he kinda distributes them out among you.

Amanda: I give the laser pointer to Mikey and tell him Don’t shine it in your eyes.

Cassidy: Ok!

Amanda: Continue.

Lilith: Now! In order to retain these prizes you must pass this Gauntlet of Challenges which I have for you are you ready for the Gauntlet of Challenges?

Syd: Wait… If the whole point is to retain our treasures, why did we have to pay for them?

Lilith: Yes. Yes.

Amanda: That was gonna be my question too, but I do think that, for some of these there’s a significant mark down to their actual value. Although value is kind of fake, but yeah that’s a good question.

Lilith: Well, I mean, they’re nice things they’re not… I can’t just give them out to anybody who passes the challenges, still have to buy them. You just, when you join Uncle Stickey’s Treasure thing you are… marking yourself as a higher status. Higher, uh, class of adventurer. And uh, so you get cool stuff. You get to buy cool stuff! Some people don’t even get to buy this cool stuff! I’ve had to take it away from people…

Amanda: Right. I mean I think we just DID buy it. I think we just did buy it is the thing, and you just handed it to us.

Lilith: Yes. Yes, that is correct. But as I said–

Amanda: That’s not a great… [snort]

Lilith: As I said before; Bernice WILL take all of your items away… if you do not pass these challenges.

Amanda: Ooooh I forgot about Bernice. Well, fine.

Syd: What’s Bernice up to?

Lilith: Hey!… Motherfuckers better not run. Got my eye on you. And she points two fingers at her eyes and then two fingers at Elektra.

Syd: Elektra giggles.

Lilith: I know your type.

Syd: [snorts and laughs]

Amanda: I think you ARE her type. Anyways… That’s what this podcast needed: dyke drama. Alright. I….

Cassidy: I mean I figured it was probably an eventuality.

Amanda: It’s inevitable, I mean you saw, I couldn’t use any words, I went full Agent Cody Banks when we met turtleneck woman last time. I hold my hammer and I put my… Actually, you know what? Fuck it. I put my sunglasses on, indoors, and I look at the guy and I say I’m ready. So let’s do it.

Lilith: This is a-, I wanna just really quickly, because it was never mentioned. Those sunglasses, again, when you put them on your whole world goes black and white. They are referred to as ‘Roddy’s Shades’.

Amanda: Mmm.

Lilith: And I…

Syd: Oh. Oh! Oh my god.

Lilith: Thank you. It’s a They Live–

Amanda: OH MY GOD! JESUS CHRIST. IT’S A THEY LIVE THING.

Syd: She got it…

Cassidy: Did y’all really not get that till now?

Amanda: No! ‘Cause I- Ohhhh, my goooood…

Cassidy: What else would that, like what other Roddy would that be?

Lilith: I mean… Not everybody thinks about They Live as the Roddy Roddy Piper movie, babe.

Amanda: I, well– I haven’t seen They Live!

Syd: Yeah, I didn’t… I just piece it together that name until just now.

Cassidy: I mean, I didn’t either, but…

Amanda: Ugh… yeah. Me neither. Jesus. Alright… Ohmigod so no, can we just break this down for just one hot delicious second?!?

Lilith: Yes.

Amanda: I’m wearing the sunglasses from They Live and holding onto Pierre Pinoncelli’s hammer that he broke, I mean- I don’t even know if I want to go into the quibbles of delicious that–

Syd: Oh! I just looked it up and I get it.

Amanda: Okay, cool. So that’s what we’ve got. Yeah.

Lilith: Ok, so, for the folks at home, like–

Cassidy: I don’t get that.

Lilith: Yeah, let’s, let’s all remember that this is a podcast that’s being recorded for human beings.

Syd: Yeah yeah.

Amanda: Yeah, alright– Well OK! Pierre Pinoncelli is a performance artist, conceptual artist…  And the thing he’s most famous for is… You’ve all heard of the guy going up and punching a Monet but Pierre Pinoncelli did it first and for art reasons. And he took a hammer to Duchamp’s “Fountain” so- which is the urinal speaking of piss-related things. He did a lot of other stuff but y’know, the conceptual destruction of art pieces for art’s sake is his deal.

Cassidy: Yeah I just googled the name, he has a really really short wikipedia…

Amanda: Yeah.

Lilith: Yeah!

Cassidy: … but like so short that it’s actually intriguing.

Amanda: Yeah no I mean, in terms of like… I don’t know, like, clout in the art world? I’m not really sure. I don’t hear about him a lot, but… He’s out there! And he did try and bust up a Duchamp so that’s his game.

Lilith: OK, well, now that we’ve talked about the history of your items was there anything else that you wanted to discuss before we begin the challenge?

Cassidy: You got pants?

Lilith: Do I…

Cassidy: These ones don’t fit.

Lilith: I mean, I’m wearing pants. OH! Yes.

[Assorted Laughter]

Cassidy: While you were all talking, by the way? Mikey changed out of his oversized ‘dad’ button down and into the, although better fitting, still quite large pug t-shirt.

Lilith: We’ve got swim trunks. They come in two colors, both of them are horrible but we do have something in your size Mikey. And he hands you, just like… it’s… it’s a little too neon to be Pepto Bismol pink? But it’s just like that, but turned up a little bit. And then yellow.

Cassidy: What is it? Like a pair of swim trunks?

Lilith: Swim trunks. And yeah they’re pink and yellow.

Cassidy: Ok. Mikey starts unbuttoning his pants.

Amanda: Ohhhh alright.

Syd: Wait–

Lilith: Oh, oh. This is…

Cassidy: He’s taking them off.

Amanda: I do not have a safe–

Lilith: Stickey’s After Dark!

[Assorted Laughter]

Cassidy: Pants are down.

Amanda: Now we know why it’s called Uncle Stickey’s. Alright…

Syd: Oh lord.

Amanda: And I just, for the kids at home, I really feel it’s not in Mikey’s character to wear underwear but I could be wrong about that.

Cassidy: It’s totally not.

Amanda: Yeaaah.

Syd: Oh noooo.

Cassidy: Mikey doesn’t even know that underwear are a thing that exists.

Amanda: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Alright, Petua looks in the other direction.

Cassidy: Ok, the swim trunks are on.

Lilith: Oh, mmmm…

Syd: Sir, I apologize.

Lilith: We do have a bathroom. I just… wow.

Syd: Yeah…

Cassidy: I don’t like these. He’s kind of tugging at his crotch weirdly.

[Assorted Laughter]

Amanda: Oh my god…

Cassidy: He starts taking them off.

Lilith: [chortling]

Amanda: Oh god… Ahkay… Jesus Christ.

Syd: Do you have a bigger size?

Lilith: [Stammering]

Cassidy: The pants are back on now.

Lilith: Ok, Ok.

Amanda: Good.

Cassidy: No thanks.

Amanda: [Hurriedly] OK, I turn to Uncle Stickey. Please, for the love of God let’s start before anything else happens… like that.

Lilith: Mmm. Yes, that’s probably for the best. And he leads you to a door that goes down… You notice, it’s a stairwell going down, underground. It looks kind of dark down there. Can’t really see what’s down there but he gestures for you to walk ahead of him, down the staircase.

Syd: This is not suspicious… or weird. Not at all.

Lilith: No I wouldn’t say it’s suspicious or weird at all! Me and Bernice we run a… a tight ship here, don’t we?… Yeah, alright Uncle Stickey.

Amanda: Oh is Bernice following behind us I’m assuming?

Lilith: Yeah yeah, part of the challenge. Don’t worry about it.

Amanda: Yeah it’s… great.

Syd: Oh, ok.

Lilith: You go into this, and you actually had to go down quite a bit of ways. Welcome to the challenge course everybody! You’ll see we have here our first challenge, which should be The Great Wall of Friendship! And you see a 25 foot high wooden wall. And he says Well, so as with most walls your challenge here is to get up and over that wall but uh, there’s a little twist! My darling, darling niece, Bernice, will be standing at the top of the wall. And she will try to punch you in the mouth if you come to the top of the wall…. So, figure that out.

Amanda: Wait, h- could you run that down, I’m so sorry, one more time for me?

Lilith: There’s a wall. There’s a Bernice on top of the wall. She will punch you if you get on top of the wall, you need to get over the wall.

Amanda: … Right. And just to make sure, I mean, what are the, uh, rules here? Are we functioning as normal law-abiding citizens? I mean, I don’t really want to hurt your niece but like, how tough–

Lilith: You can try, jeez, oh my god. Look, take your swings, I’ll be fine… Uh, I assure you, Bernice is uh, quite, quite weathered. She can handle whatever you throw at her.

Amanda: [Resignedly] Alright. I mean, I’m down for that. Alright…

Robyn: Is it at all possible to walk around the wall?

Amanda: [laughs]

Lilith: Well, that… It is possible, you don’t–

Cassidy: I think he said we have to go over it. I don’t think that counts.

Robyn: [sighs]

Lilith: You have to go over it! It’s a rule of the challenge.

Robyn: [blows a raspberry]

Amanda: Alright. Well… I guess, I guess we’re gonna go up the wall then. Um, hold on one second, sorry….

Lilith: Bernice is now seated at the top of the wall, and she is just kinda looking down at all of you.

Amanda: [Rustling Papers] Does anybody have a Grappling Hook? And by that I mean, does anybody have an Adventurer’s Kit which would have a Grappling Hook in it?

Syd: Uhhh…..

Cassidy: What kind of wall, is this just like a wood wall, with no hand-holds or anything…?

Lilith: No handles, no.

Amanda: And approximately how tall is it?

Lilith: Twenty feet.

Cassidy: Do we have to ALL get over it?

Lilith: Yes.

Cassidy: OK!

Lilith: Yes it’s teamwork! You ALL have to get over the wall!

Robyn: I have rope, but not a grappling hook.

Amanda: Alright, well that’s something at least. Um… Okay. Hold on one second. I mean, does anybody have any ideas?

Cassidy: I mean I could carry you.

Syd: Well that was nice of you.

Amanda: Well… That’s a good idea Mikey, but could you climb up the wall?

Cassidy: Oh yeah. Maybe not like this. Or, not like this and carry you at the same time.

Amanda: Right. Well, Mikey, I mean you don’t have to carry us if you could get over the wall, uh, you could take the rope with you and hang it over the wall. Then the rest of us could come up.

Cassidy: … Oh, ok! I can do that.

Amanda: Alright!

Robyn: I also have, I just googled this because I didn’t know what it meant previously, I have a piton as well, I got a piton.

Syd: Piton?

Cassidy: Pitons. They’re like, climbing.

Robyn: Yeah.

Lilith: I think Mikey is the man of the hour. Let’s hear what he’s gonna do!

Cassidy: Ok, so you pass Mikey the rope.

Amanda: Mm-hmm?

Cassidy: And then… Something happens which is deeply disturbing. From a mechanical aspect, this is Mikey’s first use of the Wild Shape ability to turn into a gorilla.

Syd: Oh!

Amanda: Ahhh! I love it, love the concept!

Cassidy: But, that’s not really what it looks like as far as this world goes? This is more like some Altered States evolutionary regression kind of stuff?

Syd: [Less Appreciably] Oh… Ohhh Jesus.

Cassidy: So… Just some sort of fucked-up Gorilla-esque human ancestor is what you’re seeing? But wearing Mikey’s pug t-shirt.

Amanda: Do the swim trunks rip off, Incredible Hulk style?

Cassidy: Well he’s not wearing the swim trunks anymore.

Amanda: Oh right right, he’s wearing the– Ahhh…

Cassidy: They bunched and, it was the netting. It just wasn’t…

Amanda: Yeah, that’s not good. Alright.

Cassidy: But anyway that gives me a Climb speed of 30 feet a round? So I feel that’s enough to get over this pretty easily.

Lilith: Ok! Ok.

Amanda: Holy shit.

Lilith: That is… fucking amazing. I just [clears throat] On an unrelated note, this is just what Mikey’s doing. I just wanted to state on the podcast: I LOVE MY WIFE. Um, anyway!

[Assorted Chuckling]

Lilith: Mikey, you, in this horrifying gorilla-human… Uh…

Cassidy: I’m sort of imagining it to be like an orangutan but without the hair?

[Various Noises of Horror and Disgust]

Cassidy: Like something distinctly inhuman and apelike? But doesn’t cleanly correspond to any ape you’ve ever seen in your life.

Amanda: So kind of like if you look at those charts of which prehistoric creatures got left behind by the path of evolution and don’t exist anymore? Yeah.

Cassidy: Yeah.

Amanda: Alright.

Syd: [shudders]

Lilith: Ok, Ok, there’s some fucking missing link shit going on here.

Amanda: Mm-hmmm!

Lilith: And so this, this thing jumps up. Climbs up the wall and Bernice is a little-bit taken aback. But uh, as you climb up she does take a swing at Gorilla… fucking Gorilla-Mikey. Uh, let’s see, that one…

Cassidy: You know what’s funny is… Turning into a gorilla, or an ape rather because there’s no specific gorilla, actually reduces how many hit points I have.

Lilith: Hmm! What does it make your–

Cassidy: Like it doesn’t actual–

Lilith: What’s your AC?

Cassidy: Oh, it’s actually the same. Well, it’s 12.

Lilith: Twelve? Ok.

Cassidy: Mikey’s AC is twelve and so is the ape’s, so…

Lilith: OK. So, she tries, she takes a swing and she misses. Ah, aw drats! Ah beans.

Amanda: I cast a spell at Bernice, as much as we love Bernice, I feel like it’s the only way we can get her off that wall so Mikey can… Is Mikey on top of the wall now?

Lilith: Yeah, Mikey’s on top of the wall, Mikey has the rope.

Amanda: Alright. Well I think, I mean, I guess… [More Hesitantly] Should we yell over at Mikey to let down the rope?

Cassidy: Oh I imagined he was holding one end of it and y’all were holding the other.

Amanda: Ahhhh, ok. Alright, um…. Well shit! I guess we’ve got a way up now! I go over to the rope and start climbing the wall.

Lilith: Ok, ok.

Amanda: Hammer in hand.

Lilith: Yeah, uh, make me an Athletics check.

Amanda: … mmm that’s not bad. Yeah athletics, definitely not… I got a 14 on my check.

Lilith: Fourteen? Ok, Ok, great, fantastic. You are able to make it up the wall. You are, you’re at the top and Bernice kinda doesn’t know which one of you to go at but she kind of kicks at Petua… Oooh, I know that hits. Yeah, she just connects boot to face on Petua, and I need you to make me a Dexterity saving throw.

Amanda: Mkay… [Rolls Dice, Cries Out] It’s a nat. 20!

Lilith: OK! You’re able to hold onto that rope and you’re able to make it up to the top. By the way, you did take two damage, just, yeah…

Amanda: Even though it was a- oh, guess it did it.

Lilith: You did save on the Dex throw to not fall off the wall, so…

Amanda: Right, right right, do I get to attack back or no?

Lilith: You can if you want.

Amanda: Well, Jesus, yeah, I’m definitely about to do that shit. I wipe my probably bruised and bleeding nose, if she kicked me in the face, and I look at my hammer and I say “Uh, I guess this is worth a shot” and I swing it at her knees.

Lilith: [Chortles]

Syd: Oh god…. Jesus

Lilith: Roll to hit.

Amanda: I mean not, not like hard. Just enough in the knees. [Rolls Dice] With a hammer.

Syd: Just enough to get a message across.

Amanda: Wait, hold on sorry, that was a… What do I add to an attack roll? Just nothing, just to see if it hit right? Sorry. It’s been a while.

Lilith: Uhmmm, yeah for you, for a physical attack- Well, the hammer is, I think it has a +1 or something to it.

Amanda: Yeah, it’s a simple-… yeah for Warlock spellcasting but not for this. I got a 17 anyways, so.

Lilith: OK, ok. So you manage to hit Bernice right in the fucking knees. And she is, she takes the hit, how much damage does that do?
Amanda: It does 1 d6+2? Um, but, oh god I feel so bad. That’s 7 damage.

Lilith: Ah don’t worry about it, Bernice is ok. She’s on one knee, yeah, Mikey has the rope. Petua is safely at the top of the tower. Bernice, she kinda seems like she… Petua and Mikey might be lost causes. She’s looking at the remainder of the party. Gonna see if she can try to prevent one of y’all from getting up.

Syd: All right.

Lilith: Yeah, go for it Elektra.

Syd: I’ll go. I wanna try to put her to sleep.

Lilith: Oh fuck.

Amanda: [Laugh] All Right.

Syd: So I’m gonna y’know, direct the speaker in her direction and do some soft soft synths–

Lilith: Some chillwave.

Syd: … to put this large woman to sleep.

Lilith: OK. I assume there’s like a save I have to do now right?

Syd: Uhm, let me see… [murmurs] … No.

Lilith: Wait, you can’t just put people to sleep without

Syd: Alright, hold on. OK: Spell sends creatures into a magical slumber, roll 5 d8. The total is how many Hit Points of creatures this spell could effect. Creatures within range are affected in ascending order of their current hit points. Starting with the creature that has the lowest current hit points, each creature affected by the spell falls unconscious until the spell ends. Sleeper takes damage when someone uses an action to shake or slap the sleeper awake.

Lilith: OK. OK.

Syd: So really it has to do if I match her hit points.

Lilith: Yes, roll those die for me.

[Lullaby-like Ambient Synths are punched in]

Lilith: I’m feeling sleepy already. Um… Yeah, roll those die.

Amanda: [croons the ‘Lullaby & Good Night’ melody]

Syd: That’s that, and now… [Rolls Dice] That’s 8… 13… 15… 23… 28.

Lilith: Twenty-Eight? She uh, kinda blinks a little bit. But then she just kind of shakes her head, and then she Huh. Got some sick tunes kid. Come on, get it. She’s on her feet.

Syd: Um, as my bonus?

Lilith: Mm-hmm?

Syd: I will… cast Bardic Inspiration on… Kevin hasn’t gone up yet, right?

Robyn: Nah.

Syd: I will use that on you then.

[Synth Horn Fanfare]

Syd: It gives you a Bardic Inspiration die, a d6, which within the next 10 minutes the creature can roll the die and add the number rolled to one Ability Check, Attack Roll or Saving Throw.

Lilith: Ok!

Syd: Creature can wait until after it rolls the d20 before deciding to use the Bardic Inspiration die, but MUST decide before the DM decides whether the roll succeeds or fails. Once it’s rolled it’s lost.

Lilith: Ok. Cool, cool. Alright.

Syd: And then I’m gonna try to scale the wall with… Can I do that at the same time with movement? OK.

Lilith: Yeah, sure! Go ahead, go ahead, roll me an athletic check.

Syd: [rolls dice and sputters] That’s, that’s a, that is a 1.

Lilith: It’s a one? OK.

Syd: That is a one.

Lilith: Oh, just flashbacks of gym class.

Syd: Guh.

Lilith: Elektra just gets on the rope and… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just sweaty palms ‘cause Bernice is just staring Elektra down just as soon as she gets on the rope? And you’re just not able to get up. The rope. At all! And uh, Kevin!

Robyn: Yes.

Lilith: What are you gonna try?

Robyn: Well, as a rogue… I don’t, I feel like I don’t have too many options in this situation. I’m gonna try to point and go “Hey look at that!” and then try to sneak up the rope really quick.

Lilith: [Laughs] Are you gonna like throw something, or… ?

Amanda: Uhhh…

Lilith: You’re gonna try to distract uh, Bernice….

Robyn: Yeah I’m just gonna be like ‘hey, hey look over there!’

Amanda: Hey! Uhm… sorry. I didn’t wanna interrupt.

Robyn: No please do.

Amanda: But uh Kevin, and everyone… Our goal is to get over the wall right?

Robyn: Yeah.

Amanda: And we have to be over the wall. What if… I’m just throwing this out here, cause it’s obviously just gonna be more and more difficult when there are more of us on the wall and Bernice keeps trying to kick us down. What if Mikey grabbed her and went down the wall, and like, crawled down it; because he’s still a gorilla right? And then I hold the rope?

Robyn: That’s fun. I like that.

Amanda: I mean if it’s difficult if we don’t have any spells to cast or something but also if Kevin if you wanted to try something I’m also down for that. I don’t wanna…

Robyn: I don’t have any spells, so…

Amanda: Alright… yeah… I feel like that’s a thing that can happen right? I think that Mikey can successfully rappel down the wall holding somebody or at least–

Cassidy: Mikey is shaking, or, he’s uh nodding vigorously.

Amanda: Alright, Mikey? D’you wanna do that?

Cassidy: Nodding more vigorously.

Amanda: Alright! I kinda just step aside and hold the rope! And I look over at Bernice and I say Hey, shouldn’t have kicked me in the face! 

Cassidy: I make a grapple attempt then.

Lilith: Ok. Roll me that strength check, I’m contesting it.

Cassidy: I got a 19. Or sorry, a 20.

Lilith: You got a 20, ok. You–

Cassidy: Not like a natural 20 just 17+3.

Lilith: You are able to successfully grapple Bernice. She’s just kind of struggling against you though.

Cassidy: OK as part of, so… When I shapeshifted I adopt a stat line of the animal in question, including its actions. So being an ape means I automatically get multi-attack? Because I get two fists.

Amanda: [Chortles] Right… !

Cassidy: So the grapple counts as one of those attacks, I’m just going to use the other attack to just straight up, swing on her. Like if you could imagine this ape, this fucked-up ape creature having her in a headlock, just like, yeah. That’s what I’m doing.

Lilith: Ok

Cassidy: Mikey’s a little heated from that kicking Petua in the face…. Uh, do I… ? I just want to look… Do you know the grappling rules that well? I’ve got them in front of me here. I just want to know if there’s if having… If attacking a grappled creature, there’s any penalty to their AC or anything?

Lilith: Um, I’ll give you advantage.

Cassidy: It’s just like, I’m probably going to do this a lot, so I just want to know how this actually works? I have played many grapple-fighters in my life, because I am that person.

Lilith: Shocking! Shocking! I would’ve never guessed.

Cassidy: Actually I’ve only played two. But both of them were really successful… OK I got a 15.

Lilith: Fifteen? Ok, you connect with that swing. Um?

Cassidy: I got an 8.

Lilith: Yeah. Her nose is very bloody. Sorry, what was… go ahead Amanda?

Amanda: Oh yeah no, I was just wondering if Mikey was planning on jumping off down the wall now that he’s got Bernice held back. Because I’m just wondering if having somebody physically restraining Bernice is like, possible? Since that seems to be the obstacle? That was what I was wondering about. But if that’s not a thing–

Cassidy: Oh I just figured that would be probably a two-turn kind of operation.

Amanda: Ohhhh.

Lilith: Yeah, sure. She’s restrained but now she’s going to attack with Disadvantage. She rolled a… 13! 

Cassidy: So just against my AC?

Lilith: Yeah.

Cassidy: Normally that’d be a hit.

Lilith: That’d be… OK.

Cassidy: Yeah I don’t know what, again I don’t know what the grappling rules are but we’ll just call it a hit for now I guess.

Lilith: Well, yeah. I gave her Disadvantage based on the grappling.

Cassidy: Ok yeah, that’s enough for me.

Lilith: And ok, so she manages to punch Mikey in the face for 3 damage.

Cassidy: OK

Lilith: And, uh, yeah! Again once… now the field’s open. Anyone who wants to just try something can go for it.

Robyn: I’m just gonna try to climb the darn rope.

Lilith: OK. Yeah, make me an Athletics check.

Robyn: Whuh that is a… That is a 6.

Cassidy: I like that this is a party of people that just didn’t go to or failed gym class.

[Assorted Laughter]

Amanda: It’s very true.

Cassidy: The best part is I said that referring to the characters, but that’s probably true of the players as well.

Robyn: They don’t make, they didn’t make us try to climb ropes. I was good at– Yeah, that never happened.

Amanda: Wow… what!?

Cassidy: Well I just meant that, but did you fail gym class?

Robyn: No!

Cassidy: Oh well, you’re a square then.

Amanda: I did…

Robyn: I wouldn’t have been able to do the rope thing, but they never had us do it! So I passed.

Amanda: [sotto voce] There we go.

Lilith: We’re all very successful and that’s why we’re making a Role-Playing podcast for the internet. That’s very clear.

Amanda: Yeah… Mhmm

Lilith: So… Robyn what was that Athletics check again?

Robyn: It was a six.

Lilith: It was a six? Ok. So once again, yeah, Kevin just kind of flails… Just trying to get up that rope, is not able to do it.

Syd: Lemme give it a try.

Lilith: Ok.

Syd: Athletics check… [rolls dice] Goddamnit! That’s a 5.

Lilith: HA!

Amanda: Woooow….

Lilith: [Chuckling] Just everybody… I- I dunno guys, it might be time to start thinking about a change in strategy.

Amanda: Yeah, climbing up that rope, huh? Uh…

Lilith: Petua, is there something you wanna try?

Amanda: Yeah, um, alright. The only thing that I could think of to do besides to get everybody up and over the wall is to topple the wall, and I feel like that won’t work, right?

Lilith: I’m not gonna tell you if that will work.

Cassidy: I mean I feel like it’ll work if we’re given enough time.

Amanda: Yeah. But how solid is this wall?

Lilith: It’s uh, it does not… Plywood and 2x4s and it’s a lot heavier on the plywood side than the 2x4s.

Amanda: Alright. I think I would like to try and, I guess, grab the rope? And, well, hmm. What’s the best side to do this on? ‘Cause Mikey’s still fighting Bernice.

Lilith: Correct.

Amanda: Alright I think I’m gonna let Mikey finish fighting Bernice and see how that pans out before I do anything.

Lilith: OK, Mikey, what’re you gonna do?

Cassidy: I just wanna like… I guess this would fall under the ‘shove’ action? But I just wanna, like, throw the top of the wall.

Amanda: [Giggles] Good shit. Good shit.

Lilith: Okay.

Cassidy: Like on the far side, not where Electra and Kevin are?

Lilith: Yeah, yeah.

Cassidy: ‘cause I just think that’s another opposed strength test… Well it says I can either… Like drag her off the wall, because I’ve got her grappled? Orrr just shove.

Amanda: I think it would be good if you were on the other side of the wall with her, actually. So that might be a thing worth doing.

Cassidy: OK then I don’t have to roll for that I just can move her–

Lilith: Okay.

Cassidy: … and drag her, but I can only move at half my speed.

Amanda: ‘Drag ha’.

Cassidy: But I kind of just, ‘backpack’ her and fall from the wall.

Lilith: [Laughs]

Amanda: Yes. I love this.

Lilith: Holy shit. OK… Now hold on. You just said you fall off of the 20 foot wall?

Amanda: Mikey did get UP the wall without a 20 foot rope!

Cassidy: Yeah… ?

Amanda: So like, I feel like going down is just as easy.

Cassidy: I’m gonna make sure she’s on the bottom when we land, but…

Amanda: [gleefully] Yeaaaaaah.

Lilith: [Laughs] So you just, you just like–

Cassidy: Mikey is not especially worried about hurting himself in this scenario.

Lilith: I didn’t think so… ! Um, so Mikey took 3 points of damage from that fall. And Bernice, she seemed to take that fall a lot harder, obviously. But she is just flat-out, on the ground, groaning. I’m gonna say that you lost grapple control of her when you landed.

Cassidy: Ok.

Lilith: Uh, Electra and Kevin?

Amanda: Alright.

[Synth Music Cues Up, Specifically an 8-Bit rendition of a Vangelis standard]

Syd: Then yeah I guess, gotta just go.

Amanda: I’m holding the rope.

Lilith: Just do it again. You’ve got fucking, Chariots of Fire music playing while you’re rolling this dice roll. Let’s do it.

Syd: I love… was that Vangelis, I think?

Lilith: That was.

Syd: [Rolls Dice, then in disbelief] It’s… and 11.

Lilith: It’s an eleven! Oh my god! She stuggled, but Elektra makes it to the top of the wall! It is…

Amanda: [Hums the “Chariots of Fire” theme]

Lilith: Yeah, it’s a little embarrassing how much you struggle? Especially with the other ones, but hey! You’re the bard, whatever! Kevin!

Syd: I’m not used to climbing stuff with my gear on, y’know?

Robyn: Um, how long does Bardic Inspiration last again?

Syd: Um…

Lilith: It’s kinda just ‘till you use it, right?

Robyn: Oh I thought there was a time limit on there. Alright, cool.

Lilith: You lose it eventually, but like…

Robyn: Yeah…. OK cool.

Syd: Like, when you sleep or something, I think…

Robyn: Cool so I’m also gonna try to just climb that rope again.

Lilith: OK.

Robyn: Eh…. Alright, got a 14.

Lilith: Fourteen, OK!

Syd: Nice!

Lilith: Kevin is able to make it up the wall and all three of you are, you’re on top of the wall… I gotta tell you, with Bernice incapacitated on the other side of the wall I think the uh, the descent is going to be a lot less exciting. I’m just going to… You all three make it down from the wall. Congratulations. Uh, good job. Streamers, come out of the base of the wall.

Cassidy: Where was Uncle Stickey this whole time?

Amanda: Yeah.

Lilith: Uncle Stickey was watching. 

Cassidy: So he’s just chill with us beating up his niece

Amanda: Beating up his niece, yeah.

Lilith: Oh yeah. Like he said, Bernice can take it. Bernice is gonna be fine, don’t worry. So, so–

[Soft synths creep in]

Cassidy: I mean I think we proved Bernice can’t take Mikey.

Amanda: This is true.

Lilith: I mean… yeah, but she’s alive! Bernice kinda gets up and dusts herself off. There’s lots of streamers and confetti. Good job! You’ve passed the first challenge! This is but one of three, but you’re doing great so far. Congratulations, Mikey! Uh, do we still call you Mikey?

Cassidy: Mikey nods.

[Skagos – Blossoms Will Sprout From The Carcass fades in]

[Outro – Music Break

(untranscribed lyrics)

It’s the fury of the storm

It’s the endless falling rain

It’s the growing of the dark

It’s the thrive of decay

It’s the voice of woe

It’s the call of the moon

It’s the cold retribution

The dark rider known as death]

Lilith: Hey everyone, Lilith here with a quick reminder. Just a couple things, couple programming notes. 1: We’re on iTunes now so you can subscribe to us, review us, that really helps us out quite a bit. Also we have a Patreon now! If you go to patreon.com/ghostpuncher and you can kick in a little bit if you’ve been enjoying the show, if you want to help support it that’d be very, very great. As of right now I’m running the whole show out of my own pocket, hosting fees, recording equipment, everything like that. Which I’ve always been happy to do because I love this show. But if you want to help out, make things a little bit easier for me, I’m not exactly rolling in cast. Once again that’s patreon.com/ghostpuncher. Thanks!